To not foot the bill?

[WillowB]

So DH is 40 in a couple of months. Doesn't want a party but I want to mark it in some way.
My thoughts are to book a table at our local pub for around 10-12 close family members and surprise him with a birthday meal/cake/balloons etc.
I was telling my mum about my plans & she said 'ooh that will end up costing you more than a party' she thinks everyone would expect me to get pay the bill
I was thinking everyone would pay their own share. I'm happy to buy some drinks but can't afford to pay for a meal for 12 people as I'm not working at the moment.
Will I look tight if I don't pay the bill? If so I might have to rethink!

@nearlygranny that sounds lovely. Do you remember how she worded it? I want to tread that fine line between being upfront & being rude!

If its called a party then I would expect the host to pay but if you just say you were thinking of going to xx for a meal for DH birthday do you want to join us? then I would expect to pay for myself. In fact I have done so many times. Usually the person organising would send a menu so people have an idea of the cost.

If I invited people to a celebratory meal then I would to pay for it, so I think you need to make it clear in the invitation that you expect people to pay for themselves.

Op your message sounds fine and makes it clear you're not paying.

I'd certainly take no issue with that message.

I'd also say I agree with a pp do you not run th risk of your husband trying to pay? I know mine would. He'd be uncomfortable with me inviting everyone for his birthday and expecting them to pay so there would be a bit of discussion when the bill came.

Honestly for the cost of the cake and champagne as he's said he doesn't wish to mark him why not take just him out for the evening. A nice dinner and some drinks?

Unless a lot are children champagne and cake will be £400.

I would expect you to pay for me in the circumstances you describe unless it was clear from the invite, as you are (sort of) inviting me to a party just at a different venue.

As others have said you really need to arrange a set menu with a fair bit of choice on it or the 'a la carte' crowd will object. Just be clear in your message that it's going to cost £ x per person for x courses, drinks separate but you'll supply some fizz (don't offer champagne) and a slice of birthday cake. Obviously adding "we'd really like you to come and celebrate with us" but being clear you can't treat everyone to the meal.

I'm another one that wouldn't expect to be paid for in any case.

Won't buying Champagne at a restuarant work out at more than the food costs? I know the cheapest bottle at my local pub/restaurant is £50 - you can have 3 really good main courses for that

As long as you're clear from the start it shouldn't be an issue. I've been invited out for meals where we've paid for ourselves and others such as a small christening where the parents bought the food and we got our own drinks. I find the food is usually fine, it's the alcohol that can push prices up. My dh is 40 this year, I was planning a BBQ where we provide all food, desserts and.soft drinks but ask people to bring rjeor own drinks. For my 40th I was going to invite family and friends to an indian buffet which I am planning on paying for, but I've got a few years to go, so plenty of time to save! I would pay for myself for a friends or relatives birthday no problem! I never go out and expect to be paid for.

I wonder if any of the PP who said they wouldn't expect to pay as always assume the host would pay, have ever left a meal and not paid when actually the expectation was that everyone would pay for their own meal.

If DH's birthday had been in summer then we'd definitely have hosted a BBQ or some sort of gathering at ours.
It's trickier in winter as although we have a fair sized house it's lots of smaller rooms which don't lend themselves to entertaining big groups but the difference between a bbq & paying for everyone's meal is a few hundred quid.

I am of the opinion that if you invite guests for a celebration, then you should pay.

However, if you make it clear (somehow) that everyone has to pay for their own meal, that will be OK.

Traditionally, if you are "inviting" people you pay. If you expect the payment to be shared this is also fine but it is imperative you make it clear from the beginning. You can do this by sending a menu along with prices. There is usually only bad feeling when paying comes as a surprise.

When my husband was 40 I did exactly this and invited people by email making clear it was a joint enterprise. He had a lovely time though he thought he'd hate to be surprised ( as he mentioned a few days before but it was too late then)!

If I issue an invite, I expect to pay. I can see why your mum commented as it’s the norm here.

Arranging a surprise party but expecting guests to foot the bill would be seen as really cheeky here.

If I was hiring a hall and providing catering then I wouldn’t expect the guests to pay, I would see that in the same way as a wedding reception.

However, if I was asking people if they would like to meet up for a meal at a reasonably priced restaurant then I would assume everyone would pay. I would probably throw in a contribution towards drinks.

If I wanted to go to some swish restaurant then I would assume I would be paying for everyone.

I don't think it matters as long as you are clear:

- would you like to join us, our treat
- would you like to join us, it will be around £20 each for 2 courses, we'll pay for the first drinks
- would you like to join us, it will be around £20 each for 2 courses plus of course whatever you drink

I'd find that last one a bit weird if someone said it to me tbh! MN is an education sometimes.

I had a friend who used to "invite" people to his birthday parties at restaurants every year. They were expected to pay for themselvesand him. Every year the restaurants got fancier and fancier. Because they were friends of his from different parts of his life, they didn't have loyalty to each other, so they would one-up each other by ordering the most expensive appetizers and dishesand my friend would treat himself the most extravagantly of allknowing that the bill would be split. Maybe one or two people would take the opposite approach and insist they "only had a salad" and pay the minimumbut they'd be mocked the moment they were out of sight. A total nightmare.