To not foot the bill?

[WillowB]

So DH is 40 in a couple of months. Doesn't want a party but I want to mark it in some way.
My thoughts are to book a table at our local pub for around 10-12 close family members and surprise him with a birthday meal/cake/balloons etc.
I was telling my mum about my plans & she said 'ooh that will end up costing you more than a party' she thinks everyone would expect me to get pay the bill
I was thinking everyone would pay their own share. I'm happy to buy some drinks but can't afford to pay for a meal for 12 people as I'm not working at the moment.
Will I look tight if I don't pay the bill? If so I might have to rethink!

When it was my DH birthday we all went to Cosmos which is one of those buffets that are eat as much as you like for a set price and they have loads and loads of different types of food

I paid for the meal which was pretty cheap £16 per person but everyone got there own drinks

If I invite people for a meal then I expect to pay

You invite, you pay - especially when it's a celebration. It would be normal for the host to pay in that situation. Obviously, you don't have to, as long as you tell people in advance, but it would be quite unusual in my circle, and seen as rather tight/rude.

I'm surprised it took so long for a Hyacinth to arrive. No matter how many people point out this is unheard of for them about 5-10% of posts will be upper middle class folk trying to educate us plebs about the correct way to behave and explaining that everyone knows this.

I think it's a generational thing, the whole you invite, you pay thing is from the days when people didn't do stuff like this unless a special occasion. Now people go fir dinner all the time.

I don't think friends would expect to pay but to avoid confusion with family maybe make it clear that you are not fronting the bill, I'd just say 'bill to be split between those who attend but I'd like to contribute £100 (or whatever) to the bill so everyone can have a glass of champagne on me'.

Then everyone is clear, and there's no resentment after.

Slightly off topic but if your DH is anything like me, I would consider a surprise gathering like that a party and would be very uncomfortable with it.

In my family, if you invited someone to something like this, you would foot the bill.

Absolutely fine, I wouldn't think you tight at all. Just make sure people know in advance they are paying and no one will mind.

I wouldn't know which is expected in general, but if your DM recently did one where she paid for everyone then people may well assume you are doing the same.

Be explicit at the point of invite!

I would expect to pay for my own in this situation but would appreciate a heads up on the cost.

When you're inviting them just add something on the lines of 'There's a la carte, which can be quite pricey but they also do a set meal for x amount.' or 'Last time we ate there the food came to about £x for 2 of us for 2/3 courses. I'll pay for some wine for the table'

You don't have to say 'you are expected to pay for yourself' in so many words. Just a comment as to the general price and what you are paying for then I think it is quite clear.

Before mumsnet I didn't realise anyone would expect to pay for everyone at a celebration meal. I've honestly never been invited to a birthday meal and expected the hosts to foot the bill. It did actually happen recently to me but I protested because I really didn't want them to pay for me and everyone else.

I think most people expect to cover their own food and drink and often the meal of the birthday person too.

Definitely if you invite you pay in my family. I think you need to make it very clear when you invite otherwise it could be embarrassing OP.

I think it depends what is the norm in your family/friendship circle. In mine it is the norm to pay your own way and not that the birthday boy/girl or their partner pays and I would certainly not expect my meal to be paid for.

You need to make it clear.
I've been to several milestone birthdays and they've varied from

• "I'm going out for a meal at x place to celebrate my birthday, would you like to join me?" - expectation you pay for yourself

• "I've booked room above local pub and there will be a buffet" - pay for your own drinks, food provided

• "I'd like to invite everyone for dinner at z restaurant, my treat" - inviter pays

That said, the only celebration I've been to where the inviter paid for everything was my parents and they only invited their children and partners!

Going out to the pub/restaurants for a birthday meal is a totally normal thing to me and I have never once expected or had the birthday person pay for everything!
If anything it has been the other way round and the "guests" have chipped in for the birthday person's meal/drinks.

It must be a social circle thing as you would have to be much, much wealthier than anyone I know to casually pay a £500+ restaurant bill

DH did similar for my birthday, he paid for a private room and drinks then everyone paid a contribution towards the food.

Work out where you want to go and how much you're happy to pay, ask for set menus and invite people mentioning the cost up front.

Before yo do anything I would make very sure he wants this. A surprise would be my idea of hell

I think a set menu is the way to go because then you can include the price in the text/email.

I'm booking a table at x for DHs birthday if you would like to join us'

.....and here is a copy of the menu and prices so you know the costs upfront

I think it's a generational thing, the whole you invite, you pay thing is from the days when people didn't do stuff like this unless a special occasion.

When I first saw a thread on this, some years back, I'd never heard of expecting someone to buy your meal at a restaurant so I asked a lot of questions:

• It's not geographic.
• It's not generational (no-one I know, of any age, has heard of it offline).
• I'm reasonably sure it's a class thing. The people who insist paying is the norm have no concerns about the expense that implies. Many times I've been told that those who can't afford it shouldn't be having group meals in restaurants.
• The wording seems to be really important. Using the word 'invite' means you are paying apparently.

I agree with the PP who said this might be a generation thing. It was probably normal for your parent's generation to pay for everyone's meal.

rather depends on whatever's the norm in your social /family circle - but best to make the situation clear at the outset - you want it to be a fun occasion, not something that leaves people stewing with rage.
As you are inviting people, it would be a good gesture to pay for wine for the table, or even just a couple of bottles of champagne/prosecco to provide a welcome drink.
Have a great evening

For posters who've mentioned the surprise aspect - he'd be fine with this & it is only close family. It was a party with music & loads of guests that he really didn't want.

As a previous poster said, if you share a copy of the menu and say from the start that the food can be ordered individually at the bar, but you are booking seats and providing a few bottles of wine and juice, everything will be fine.

If i get an invitation to a birthday or special event, I dont expect to pay for food. As long as you're upfront and make it clear to everyone, that they pay for their own meal. You may find some wont come because of it. Could you not look into funding buffet style food? It may be a cheaper alternative.

I think it’s a generational thing. I don’t think many people of my age (late 40’s) or younger ‘foot the bill’ but my mum & other older family members do.

You don’t need to say soevufucslky ‘you’ll have to pay for yourself’ but just make it clear from your wording that’s what’s happening (do not ask if it’s within their budget, that’s rude)

Are you sure your husband would like this surprise anyway? If he doesn't want a party but you want to arrange something I would make jolly sure that it is something he would enjoy before you go ahead.