To not foot the bill?

[WillowB]

So DH is 40 in a couple of months. Doesn't want a party but I want to mark it in some way.
My thoughts are to book a table at our local pub for around 10-12 close family members and surprise him with a birthday meal/cake/balloons etc.
I was telling my mum about my plans & she said 'ooh that will end up costing you more than a party' she thinks everyone would expect me to get pay the bill
I was thinking everyone would pay their own share. I'm happy to buy some drinks but can't afford to pay for a meal for 12 people as I'm not working at the moment.
Will I look tight if I don't pay the bill? If so I might have to rethink!

Would it be worth having a chat with the restaurant & working out a fixed price menu (with several choices). Then you can print off invitations with choices & set cost per person & stating special birthday cake & glass of bubbly/wine on the table from you. Nice to provide actual invitation with details of time/date/location, & rsvp so you know who is joining you. No ambiguity regarding payment or any cheeky so & so expecting you to pay for their double gins all evening.

Honestly can't get my head round people saying effectively don't tell them. You need to tell them at one point, and it's clearly way better to do so in advance and not when the bill arrives. It's really shitty not to tell people.

Have had both experiences. But it’s been paid for something like a 40th celebration (instead of paying for a party I assume). And I did the same for my DM’s 70th.

Why is everyone still discussing who pays? He doesn't want to mark the occasion! You are insisting he does and will be fine with it! Can't you respect his wishes?

We did exactly this for my mum’s 75th last year. There were 16 of us and absolutely no way my dad could foot the bill. I would’ve/could’ve helped him out but my sister and sister in law could not and it would’ve caused friction. In the end we decided that dad would pay for the drinks and we would all go dutch- splitting the bill so you only paid for how many if you in your family. This suited everyone and no one grumbled/sighed/called us right.

I have no clue why some people would think if you eat at a restaurant your automatically paying the entire bill. People are on a budget and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed opening up the meal to close family and asking them to pay.

Good luck.

I wouldn't expect to pay unless it was made clear on the invite.

If I invited people to a birthday meal I would expect to pay the bill. However, in my daughter's circle of friends they all pay for themselves. I agree with pp, if money is tight don't bother with the meal, there's bound to be misunderstanding on someone's part whichever way you word it.

I wouldn't expect to pay but if I were 'hosting' for my DH I would foot the drinks bill.

In a Leeds council estate, in the 60s, it would be the norm to pay for everyone if you went out for a restaurant meal? That is surprising
Well no, I don't think I even went into a restaurant before the age of 20. Certainly my parents never did. Yet on the rare occasion since then when friends or relatives have invited to a significant event, they have paid. That is my experience.

It's obvious that the answer to this question is going to depend on who is asked and who is being asked.

There aren't any universal rules and it's not rocket science to work out that the simple solution is to be clear at the time of asking.

You do what you are comfortable with, it really really doesn't matter what anyone does in their social circle.

I’d would expect you’d pay and would want you to make it clear if that’s not the case.

In my social circle we would all expect to pay for ourselves. We did a similar thing to you, invited close family for an meal to celebrate a significant birthday but we made sure the restaurant was good but reasonably priced, and then instead if dessert everyone ate the beautiful birthday cake my sil made. We cleared this with the restaurant beforehand, and they were great, especially when we bought some bottles of champagne from them to toast with.

It's incredibly rude not to tell people beforehand that they're expected to pay for themselves.

I've been to loads of peoples' birthday meals and everyone always pays for their own meal and covers the birthday person's meal too.

Only on page 1 but when we have done similar in our extended family for 18th, 40th etc we have always paid. Restaurants, venues or in my brothers case a BBQ in his garden as that was better for his budget
However when we go out as a casual get together even if it is to celebrate birthdays we split the bill.
However we are all working with similar(ish) incomes

If I did this I would be paying for everyone. When I was younger...20s and 30s, people would pay for themselves, but I don't feel comfortable asking ppl to pay when I invite them anymore.

I wouldn’t expect for you to pay! I arranged a meal out for my birthday last year and nobody seemed surprised at the end that I wasn’t paying.

Pick somewhere with a set menu and let them know the cost when you invite them, that way you can make it clear and they can judge if they can afford it

I have never, ever been to a meal in a restaurant where I expect my food and drink to be paid for, apart from weddings.
I didn't know it was a thing, that normal people would be rich enough to afford to take out 20 pals/family and pay for it 😯

I don't think it matters as long as you are clear:

• would you like to join us, our treat
• would you like to join us, it will be around £20 each for 2 courses, we'll pay for the first drinks
• would you like to join us, it will be around £20 each for 2 courses plus of course whatever you drink

My husband's family came out with us for tea for his 40th last weekend. They all expected to pay for themselves and it wasn't discussed before. Ended up that we paid for the drinks and a bit more and his mum paid for the rest.

I would never go out for a meal and expect the person to pay for it all. If anything I'd expect to pay towards the birthday persons food and drinks.

According to some poster, anyone without a VERY healthy disposable income shouldn't be asking friends to join them for a birthday meal.

Know your place, poor people!

Message people
It’s DHs birthday on xx date I’m thinking of going to xyz eatery. If you want to come let me know and I will include you in the booking. I will need a deposit of £x per person to confirm so please let me have your deposits by xx.

If invited to a big celebration birthday, I would expect the host would be paying and I would bring card and a nice gift.

If I got a message saying we are meeting at XYZ's for ABC's birthday, I would assume it was more casual and expect to pay.

I was invited to a colleague's 50th dinner as she had discussed the venue/menu with us I knew I would be paying for the meal. It was a lovely evening, but on the night, a neighbour and her brother/SIL got very drunk and left without paying. I was one of the last to leave and my colleague was very upset when she received a larger than expected bill. It took the shine off the whole evening, as she had to pay up.

Later, I was told there was a big argument with the brother who claimed he had been told she was paying and the neighbour was off the Christmas card list.

I personally would have laid on some low key food and drinks at home, but if you are going out for a meal and not footing the bill (which I think is ok), then I'd at least get some bottles of wine for the table. In fact, a BYOB restaurant would work well. I would also specify no gifts, just in case it's a tight time of year for some people.

I didn't know it was a thing, that normal people would be rich enough to afford to take out 20 pals/family and pay for it

We’re normal people. We had a private dining dinner for 16 people for my husband’s 60th and I saved up for it. It was hardly a surprise that it was coming.