To not foot the bill?

[WillowB]

So DH is 40 in a couple of months. Doesn't want a party but I want to mark it in some way.
My thoughts are to book a table at our local pub for around 10-12 close family members and surprise him with a birthday meal/cake/balloons etc.
I was telling my mum about my plans & she said 'ooh that will end up costing you more than a party' she thinks everyone would expect me to get pay the bill
I was thinking everyone would pay their own share. I'm happy to buy some drinks but can't afford to pay for a meal for 12 people as I'm not working at the moment.
Will I look tight if I don't pay the bill? If so I might have to rethink!

Also don't think my parents or grandparents have ever paid for everyone's meal in a pub/restaurant unless they were just taking their children & grandchildren out.

Definitely social class (wealth) rather than generational.

“We’re going out for a meal for dh birthday. He thinks it’s just us but there’s a set menu for £25 each if anyone wants to come and join us? Will be brilliant to see his face at a table full and I’ll get some bottles of wine for the table. Let me know if you fancy it!”

Honestly, he'd be fine with it. We've been together 23 years. Trust me!

Donquixotedelamancha X posted with you there but thank you for this info. I had wondered why people ask this as I have never heard of you having to pay for everyone when you invite them for a meal

You invite, you pay - especially when it's a celebration.

It would be normal for the host to pay in that situation.

This!

I think champagne/wine for the table is a great idea. Will definitely do that

As has been said, say it upfront. It's x amount per person for the set menu. Hope that's okay. Or something like that.

As a guest, I wouldn't expect to pay. It would probably be better to lose the surprise element and let DH tell his family that you're going for a meal and they can join you if they want. He'll know how to word it so they understand.

I wouldn't expect to be paid for unless the host specifically said it was on them, so quite the other way about from the more affluent types on here. I've had to pass up invitations that weren't in my budget too. Nobody was offended - in my circle, we've all been there.

Donquixotedelamancha X posted with you there but thank you for this info. I had wondered why people ask this as I have never heard of you having to pay for everyone when you invite them for a meal

Most welcome.

I'm not surprised that different social groups have different behaviours. What fascinates me is the insistence that the majority are rude and that everyone knows this is obligatory about something which is clearly just a social convention some groups follow and not practical for anyone below a certain income.

You see the same thing about language where the Hyacinths insist that some common idioms are always rude (and, of course, everyone knows this).

@WillowB

Honestly this is going to depend entirely on your family/social circle.
There is no hard and fast rule or etiquette to it despite PP’s opinions.

There are certain situations in which you’d be expected to pay;

• You invite kids/teens/students to a special occasion meal without their parents (knowing they have no /very little income)
• You express ‘our treat’ at the time of invitation.
• You pick somewhere unreasonably expensive.
• It’s a wedding/christening or similar event which people fully expect to be catered. Adult birthdays/anniversary’s often aren’t catered- just drinks.

There will almost always be some who sit there and think you should have paid, others who will have their wallets ready before the cheque even arrives, it’s just different people and different mentalities. I always find it awkward.

Maybe word it I’m planning to book a table at X to celebrate DH’s birthday. Would you like to join us? I wouldn’t expect that was going to be paid for but some still would!

I'm surprised it took so long for a Hyacinth to arrive

That's unfair. I was brought up on a Leeds council estate in the 60s and I'd expect to pay for people I'd invited for a significant event. I don't know many who wouldn't. The thing to do in this instance is make it very clear. I also don't know anyone who wouldn't be perfectly happy to pay for themselves. It's just better to know beforehand.

I would expect to pay for my own meal in this situ. I've never been to a birthday meal out that we didn't pay for and split the cost of the birthday boy/girls food too.
I think being invited to a party is different - and you make clear then that it's drinks and nibbles, or just drinks or whatever.
For my 40th we had a room in a bar and put money behind the bar and paid for finger food. When the money behind the bar ran out every one paid for their own drinks and were fine about it.

In our group, if you invite you pay. Maybe have something at home and provide food and drinks. It wouldn't make a difference from actually going out and then at least you would be hosting for your guests.
I dont think inviting and making it clear that they would need to pay is wrong either.

I think the wording used by @anoonymouse covers it. A friend did similar for a 30th - and they covered a bottle of bubbly and a few bottles of wine for the table, and bought their own cake to have instead of dessert. If can get a place that does a set menu price then even better (so no complicated working out payments)! And you may need to cover a tip. Hope it all goes well x

I would always expect to pay (and possibly chip in for birthday person depending on the set up). The only time I would clarify was if it was a very expensive restaurant because I’d need to know if I can afford it before going! Although of my parents invite us they usually insist on paying.

Definitely mention thay you're expecting everyone to pay for themselves.

You may find it awkward to mention it now, but think of the scenario where you're suddenly expected to pay their bill, which would be more embarrassing, surely?!

If you want to do something, bring a cake and ask the restaurant to put few of their wines/bottled water to put on the table (that you pay for).

Several years ago we invited my DH's workmates and partners out for a Christmas meal (in total there were 29 people) to celebrate passing his Chartership. Menu choices were sent out so meals could be ordered in advance, and once we had people's choices I chose wine and soft drinks that would compliment the food (to be on the table).

We'd made it clear on the invite that we were paying for everyone, yet when the bill came some people tried to insist on paying towards it, so I guess it can depend on the people you're inviting and what they're used to.

Depends on the people you are inviting. I mentioned I had been invited to a meal on NYE and my aunt thought it was shocking that they weren’t picking up the bill for everyone as I had been ‘invited’. It wouldn’t even cross my mind that I wouldn’t pay for myself ... so as others have said wording is crucial so everyone is clear.

That's unfair.

I deliberately quoted someone who was pejorative about not paying for everyone. I think the parallel between those who think anyone who doesn't conform to their 'manners' is lesser and Mrs Bucket is an apt one.

As mentioned above, just having a different set of social mores is not at all odd.

I was brought up on a Leeds council estate in the 60s and I'd expect to pay for people I'd invited for a significant event. I don't know many who wouldn't.

In a Leeds council estate, in the 60s, it would be the norm to pay for everyone if you went out for a restaurant meal? That is surprising.

I wouldn't even think that someone was going to pay for me. Just assume I'd pay myself

It might be that because when we usually went out for a meal with them, which we used to do once a quarter, we'd normally split the bill equally, so it's what everyone was used to.

Do you normally go out with the people you're inviting, and if so what's the done thing then?

Well you should certainly pay for bil but if you're clear from the outset it's fine for everyone to pay for themselves. Might have already been said but are you sure he actually wants this? I know a few who would hate to have a surprise meal foisted on them (obviously you know the guy so have probably already considered this).

@Baileys4two
We don't tend to go out with them all that much. When we've been out for SIL or DNs birthdays we've always paid for ourselves however when my Dad & FIL had big birthdays they paid for everyone, though I always fully expect to pay for myself

Of course you pay

But it depends on your social circle/family. In ours we would pay everything if we invite- and this is an invitation

If the norm in your family is something else then that is fine

but... from your mum response it isn't the norm.

It’s a nice idea, OP. But do make it clear when you contact people that you’re just suggesting you all go out for a pub meal together, with everyone paying for their own meal and drinks. You’ll provide the cake, or whatever you arrange with the pub.

But do make that clear when you first get in touch. If people accept and then find out they’re expected to pay for themselves, it could be embarrassing.

It’s about the thought, not the cost. Have a great time!