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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD go on this trip?

230 replies

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 10/01/2020 18:45

Hands up, I’m quite anxious about this exact situation, I fear abduction but DH also thinks he’s leaning towards no as well but we’d like further opinion.

Dd has been invited by cubs to go on a seven day camp during May half term to a city 80 miles away. She’s 9, will be almost 10 at the time.

She goes on school trips, other cubs trips, family sleepovers etc and she’s our youngest child fwiw so no pfb here.

I just think this is too far and for too long and too risky but would appreciate your votes!

Am I unreasonable for declining the invitation?

OP posts:
Mulledwineinajug · 10/01/2020 23:21

You absolutely can’t allow your dd to be impacted by your anxiety. Your feeling of fear is real but the risk isn’t real and the far greater risk is of your dd either taking on your anxiety and becoming anxious herself, or feeling responsible for alleviating your anxieties. It is for you to manage your anxiety, not to limit what your dd can do so that you don’t have to.

However, my ten year old wouldn’t want to go away for a full week. If she wanted to, I would let her. Re the tents, ask to see the risk assessment and talk it through with the leaders?

drspouse · 10/01/2020 23:26

@lljkk in Guiding leaders can share sleeping accommodation with girls.

7salmonswimming · 10/01/2020 23:34

I think 7 days is too long at that age, boy or girl, but otherwise I think it’s fine if she’s fine with it.

Glitterfisher · 10/01/2020 23:53

Both my DCs went away skiing with school at 9 years old for 8 days. They were fine and stayed in dorms without teachers in a hotel. Worst thing for me is the 24 hour travelling on a coach, could never relax till the were there then home safely. The 6 days in the middle I was ok with.

I would be way more nervous if they had been in tents but probably not enough to say no as it's my fear not theirs I guess. DS2 has night wakings and used to sleep walk so even when he did 1 night camping it made me nervous.

Not sure why all the nastiness towards the OP. The whole thing with anxiety is that its not rational but doesnt make it any less real. My husband suffers and it can be really tough. Your DD may not feel ready either so it may not be an issue anyway. I think it is very difficult to say no to her going, 80 miles is not very far at all and ti be honest if it was 10 miles this really makes no difference to how safe she'd be.

Costacoffeeplease · 10/01/2020 23:57

I don’t understand why the distance is relevant. 80 miles is nothing. Don’t pass your baseless fears on to your children

DrCoconut · 11/01/2020 00:15

DS2 goes on cub camps. The leaders keep a tight rein on things and the kids are closely supervised. He loves going despite his ASD and it's broadened his horizons so much.

SE13Mummy · 11/01/2020 00:24

Given your anxieties about abduction, I wonder if it would be helpful for one of the Cubs leaders to introduce the idea of the camp to your DD first off? That way, she would have a chance to think about it herself, separately from your fear about the event.

It may be that the event doesn't interest her, that she'd prefer to do whatever you usually do at the May half term, that she's not interested in being away for a whole week etc. which may mean your worry about whether or not to let her go is not needed. She may of course come home loving the sound of the camp and being desperate to go in which case you may need to let her know that you're feeling unsure about it and need to work out if there's a way you can feel differently about it.

It must be hard to have fear of abduction on your mind so much. When you were doing CBT were there any techniques you found helpful that might be able to be used for this situation? It sounds as though you've focused on the 'what's the worst that could happen?' question but I wonder if you've been able to think about 'what's the best that could happen if she went?' or if you've been able to find any evidence to look at the likelihood of your fear being realised? Perhaps it would be worth jotting down how many nights your DCs have spent away from you and have a go at calculating the percentage of those nights that either of your DCs were abducted. Another statistic to calculate is the number of nights Cubs have spent camping at that site vs the number of abductions from the site. There are lots of questions you can ask yourself to help challenge your negative thoughts about this event. Even after asking them, you may continue to have negative thoughts but you may be able to stop them escalating by using what you've found when researching.

kateandme · 11/01/2020 01:38

everyone is different.
there are families on here that thinks it too much.and they know their child so therefore its too much.and others who for their own child it would be too much.and thats fine.
but lets not have a go at op for her 'baseless' fears.for one she is suffering from a crippling disorder not to be put down upon.and as a parent we all work on small fears we have about cetain things as we bring them up.not always right but still...they bring up many different children.
i would say op with what your suffering with is to keep talking to others.especially your dh.he knows your own dc like you do so imagine you wrent scared.for them would it be too much or woud they be ok??and go from there.
for me at that age i would have found it too much.and it would have effected be quite badly.for my brother also.for my sister she would have been fine once on the coach with her mates.so go by your own dc.but try to each time your fear creeps in talk to someone so they can rational it out.

Plumbus · 11/01/2020 05:51

Tbh I don't see what you are going to get out of this thread (particularly on AIBU). You know full well that the reason you're unsure about the trip is because you have anxiety. Posters who are also anxious parents are going to say YANBU. Everyone else is going to say YABU. You're probably going to cling to the YANBUs to justify your feelings. Your child being abducted is vanishingly unlikely in ANY situation, whether they are 80 miles away, 800 miles away or 8000 miles away. Better to continue to work on your irrational fears than to seek MN's justification of them.

This.

Caveat: YANBU if the 80 miles is taking them somewhere 'Up North'. It's really grim 'Up North' and would not want my children exposed to that level of poverty and desolation. WinkGrin

Yeahnah2020 · 11/01/2020 06:14

Abduction???? You can’t be serious. I’d say no because it’s a long time at that age. 4/5 days would be fine. Why don’t you go along as parent help?

LotteLupin · 11/01/2020 06:55

I think she's too young to go away in a tent for so long, potentially in poor weather.

I wouldn't be worried about abduction (presumably they'll be in a campsite?) but I wouldn't allow my daughter that age to go a week outside not on a bed, probably not bathing properly, no washing of clothes, not sure about food and routine all out and probably staying up late talking. I'd imagine she'd be utterly exhausted when she comes back and take two weeks to recover ...

Dontdisturbmenow · 11/01/2020 07:13

You absolutely can’t allow your dd to be impacted by your anxiety
This again and again and again.

I too always feared abduction. It actually stems back to me my youth when I went through a phase of fearing being abducted myself. I even put cotton in the locks thinking that the abductor wouldn't be able to put a key in the lock. I also developed a love of heavy rain and thunder because in my child's mind, I believed an abductor wouldn't bother coming in bad weather.

I have had many horrible moments when panic took over when my kids started to be able to walk places on their own and we're not back when they were supposed to/didn't answer their calls. Thankfully, they knew the mess I became and were overall very good at always keeping in contact/be back on time, but there were times things happened that were not in their control.

However anxious I got though, I NEVER allowed it to stop my kids doing things. As a matter of fact, my DS was taking the public bus on his own to go to school and back, which also involved a bit of walking when he was just under 10 yo. He had call me the second he was at school/home and I couldn't relax until he did.

They are now both young adults and are extremely independent, confident and streetwise, and I am so relieved that my fear didn't hold them back. I still get anxious! I was grabbed by panic not long ago when DS was not home after his shift at work on a Saturday evening. It is only 5 minutes walk down the road, he is 6'3''! He was just asked to work an extra hour, I knew that was the obvious reason, still I couldn't breath again until he was home.

This feeling is very common and I feel really sorry for the kids whose life is hold back by their parents because of it. It's not fair on them, and is only likely to transfer anxiety on to them.

JustACog · 11/01/2020 07:29

You're being ridiculous to not allow it for fear of abduction

The more sensible reason to not allow it is that 7 days camping is too long for an 8 year old.

Funf · 11/01/2020 07:33

Go with her as helper but blend in to the background, she will love it.
If not keep the phone on and car full of fuel just in case. As above talk to leaders

spongejack · 11/01/2020 07:48

@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou I disagree OP has spoken of her anxiety not once has she even mentioned how her DD will feel. It's not even been discussed with the child yet! So how can she be wanting the best for her daughter?

transformandriseup · 11/01/2020 07:59

It's probably because our country is huge and that I'm used to driving longer distances to get around but I would also think 80 miles isn't that far as it's 40 miles just from our scout hq to the local county campsite. We organise a weeks trip abroad every few years and take children only a year older than OP's DD. They stay in tents too. I can understand OP's concerns though as camps can be quite daunting and I hate camping in bad weather myself and I know I would prefer a camp in the summer but some are saying it's unreasonable to organise trip for children that age and for that length of time and distance. That bit isn't unreasonable as our scout/cub group does them all the time even at this time of the year. If we didn't get good feedback we wouldn't keep running them

lumpy76 · 11/01/2020 08:07

Last year our then 12 yr old ds - selective eater (this is relevant) changed school he was given the opportunity to go to China as part of his Mandarin lessons. (Nb state school). At the time he had not flown since he was 2 so had no memory. Had never been away from home for more than one night and even then only twice & only knew 2 kids to any degree - one a girl so he wouldn't ever be sharing a room with her. The trip was for 16days and I (at the time) had a very long standing phobia of flying - hence why ds hadn't flown!!
He wanted to go and given the the trip was massively subsidised cost wise knew he'd be very unlikely to get another chance like it ever. So he went....as a part of 30odd 12 & 13yr olds and 4 teachers he flew to the other side of the world (I was very anxious as he did this). He had the experience of a life time! He had a digital detox due to Chinese laws (we were able to FaceTime) - he lost a few kgs due to his eating BUT he tried a couple of new foods and even liked one of them! He came home more mature and independent.
Don't let your anxiety of something with a minuscule chance of happening stand in the way of your dd doing things.
Let your DD decide if she wants to go!

transformandriseup · 11/01/2020 08:27

It's probably because our country is huge

Oops that should have said county Blush

RedHelenB · 11/01/2020 08:36

My dd went quite a way away for Brownie camp in y4. Some parents woukdnt let them go but it was their kids that missed out cos the ones that went had a blast! Certainly the threat of abduction never cccured to me as the leaders had done camps for years.

spongejack · 11/01/2020 08:40

@lumpy76 that's a great account of why you give your children confidence by letting them go! In reality you couldn't just go and get him back from China so it was a massive decision. 80 miles away is just a couple or three hours drinking so not far at all.

iklboo · 11/01/2020 08:49

Caveat: YANBU if the 80 miles is taking them somewhere 'Up North'. It's really grim 'Up North' and would not want my children exposed to that level of poverty and desolation.

Quite right. We'll have 'em up t'chimbley or down t'pit before you can blink Grin

iklboo · 11/01/2020 08:51

Sorry you're anxious OP. Are there shorter 'taster' trips she could try first to ease you both into it?

Rezie · 11/01/2020 08:57

Our scouts summer camp is 4 days to under 9yo and 7 days of over 9yo. If you are not comfortable then you don't have to let them go. Is there a compromise? Like going for 3 days and you pick them up?

I'd your own anxiety is the only thing thing stopping you, please talk about it to somebody. I'm sure you don't want it to effect your child.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/01/2020 09:02

iklboo OP’s DD has been on camps and residentials before but not for so long and so far away.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 11/01/2020 09:04

There are no hard and fast rules that state you have to let your DC stay away ever.

However, I am a Cub leader and the DC have travelled with and without me since they were small; I'm a big believer in letting them go off and have (supervised) adventures that build their self confidence and teach them to be more independent. Obviously it depends on each individual child, but if adventures can be done safely, they'll be great for her in the long run.