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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD go on this trip?

230 replies

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 10/01/2020 18:45

Hands up, I’m quite anxious about this exact situation, I fear abduction but DH also thinks he’s leaning towards no as well but we’d like further opinion.

Dd has been invited by cubs to go on a seven day camp during May half term to a city 80 miles away. She’s 9, will be almost 10 at the time.

She goes on school trips, other cubs trips, family sleepovers etc and she’s our youngest child fwiw so no pfb here.

I just think this is too far and for too long and too risky but would appreciate your votes!

Am I unreasonable for declining the invitation?

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 10/01/2020 22:13

DS1 went to France for 5 days on a school trip in yr5 and he came back a different boy. Confident, happy and enjoyed every second of it.

I'd let her go tbh

ineedaholidaynow · 10/01/2020 22:15

DS went on a number of camps with cubs, always in tents. Beavers in our group also go on camps and sleep in tents. As other PP have said adults aren't allowed in the same tents but will be close. All helpers on the camp will have undergone a DBS check.

DS never went on a such a long camp and they were never in cities, usually in fields and usually for 2 - 3 nights.

He did go on a school residential at a slightly younger age than your DD to the Isle of Wight which was much more than 80 miles away. If your DD has been used to going on camps/residentials then the distance shouldn't really make a difference to her (although I can understand it might to you)

willstarttomorrow · 10/01/2020 22:18

My daughter joined beavers as soon as she was old enough and then moved up to cubs, scouts etc. Her leaders have done it for years and as a group have several children with additional needs/ complex behaviours. They also have an extremely high retention rate, in that young people stay on into Explorers despite it not being particularly 'cool' and teenagers usually wanting to leave the scouts movement.
Part of the reason for this is that our amazing volunteer leaders are happy to organise camps with loads of fun activities, some level of freedom and fun which most young people today would never experience otherwise. My daughter did a similar camp at the same age and had the best time. She was in a tent with her friends which was an amazing adventure, the leaders were in a tent nearby and as usual had about 2 hours sleep because they responsible for camp. I was secretary for the group for a while and these incredible leaders were paying for their own camp (and capitation) several times a year so the children had this experience. Honestly, there was not a moment I was worried for DD in their care, although I accepted accidents can happen.

Lots of scout campsites are incredible. Many have zip wires, zorbing, rafting etc on site. All activities needing a trained supervisor will have one. A similar school residential will be 3x the cost. I have known some children be tearful at leaving their parents but when on their way all was forgotten and they return tired and happy.
I am struggling to understand your anxiety. Yes a week may seem a long time, but if you trust the leaders and know your child will be having a good time then surely this oppurtunity is a good thing? They already have been away with the group and it has been fine. Surely the reason why your child has joined the scout movement is because you want them to have these oppurtunities, it is hardly a recent thing that they do camp. Lots of children manage it at this age and have the best time so it really is about your anxieties. Also, it really is not far away. If needed you could be there in under 2 hours.

Badgerstmary · 10/01/2020 22:19

Good luck with making your decision tonight. I think people have been rather harsh to you. You were brave to ask on here & a far better sounding parent than those who have been rude to you. When I originally posted I hadn’t seen that you have anxiety (posted as you were writing it) .

Mumtotwo82 · 10/01/2020 22:20

At the end of the day this is your child op and you have to decide what's best for her. Talk to people you trust and know like you parents or Dh to see if it's irrational fears or more than that. MN is not always the best for advice as you get such mixed answers and it may make you more frustrated at what to do. I haven't got what you have and my oldest is only 7 but I feel in two minds about sending him away for a week in two years time.

LynetteScavo · 10/01/2020 22:21

A week is too long away from home at that age.

There are some really horrible comments on this thread.

I totally get the fear of abduction, although it's almost definitely not going to happen.

If this was a teenager who totally understood what it meant to be away from home for a week then I would say you need to let them go and deal with the anxiety, but not in this case.

Grandmi · 10/01/2020 22:21

My daughter went on 7 day trip with Brownies and had a fabulous time. It never crossed my mind about abduction and an sure the trip generally works otherwise they would not offer it ..nowadays they do risk assessments for everything!!

lassie25 · 10/01/2020 22:22

My boys went all through Beavers,cubs, Scouts, Explorers until age 18 and I don’t recall them going away for that length of time at that age. They did eventually go away for week long trips and longer but not until they were in their teens. Personally I think it’s a bit too long but if their friends are up for it and they are keen to go then they will be fine.

lpchill · 10/01/2020 22:22

Im a cub leader. If you where one of my parents I would want you to talk to me about your concerns so I could explain the risk assessments, planning and actions on the camp that I would be taking to keep your child safe to hopefully put your mind at rest or work with you to put it at ease.

It is a long time for cubs I personally wouldn't take them away that long (unless I have taken those children away before a few times as they are really young) but scouts who are at youngest 10 1/2 I have taken away and have been perfectly fine.

At the end it's up to you at the end of the day but please talk to the leader about your concerns. I just had to do this with a parent for 1 night away. First time away from home ever. He's going to love it and he was also a bit worried but I also talked to him and he is very excited and mum is much happier. She felt silly telling me but I have a child too and it's perfectly natural to feel the way you do, you may need to know the plans for things or just the confirmation that the leaders do care. Or it doesn't help but at least then you have done your best to make it happen and it just wasn't the right time for her.

ActualHornist · 10/01/2020 22:23

I wouldn’t like it but not because I fear abduction. At that age my kids had only ever spent the occasional overnight without me and DH nearby. I know they’d be miserable, and a week is a long time.

My oldest boys (Y6, 11 next week) are going to a PGL thing this year with school. That’s not as long although it’s about the same distance. But it’s with kids they’ve known for years.

FAQs · 10/01/2020 22:29

Def depends on the child, not the parent.

My daughter went to Spain for a week in year 5, also the usual PGL and over the years, France, Belgium and New York I’ve been anxious each time, especially Spain it was a language and watersports week!

But she was keen so I put my fears aside.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 10/01/2020 22:34

Sound like she will have a blast. Have you thought about speaking to the cub leaders about the trip? The adult/child ratios and usually the camps are secure and specifically set up to take youth groups.

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/01/2020 22:39

I find it very hard to relate. All my dc went away in chur h camp for 7 days age 7, an hour and a half drive away. Also three day’s with school age 6. 9 is really not too young.

Ohyesiam · 10/01/2020 22:40

It’s about wether she’s going to n enjoy it, isn’t it? Not about how you will handle it.
My dd would have loved it, at 9 , ds would struggle to do 1 night at 12.
Personally I hate either of them being away.

Madcats · 10/01/2020 22:41

7 days does seem a long time if the school holiday is just one week.

My daughter has been doing residential school trips since year 3 and the kids come back like zombies for the first few years (so all trips finish on a Thursday or Friday to give them the weekend to catch up on sleep).

Presumably your DC would be back Sunday afternoon with a pile of washing and a bit of homework to get done before school the following morning?

As long as she has plenty of friends in the group, I would let the child decide.

Thesispieces · 10/01/2020 22:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Putthekettleonplease · 10/01/2020 22:44

How ridiculous. Don’t the people running it have kids? There is no way I would let mine child go.

Justcallmebebes · 10/01/2020 22:53

I was sent 14,000 miles away to boarding school at not much older. Never got abducted! She'll be fine and will most likely have a blast

MayMiracle · 10/01/2020 22:54

I'd just say no.

She's 9. That's still very young in the grand scheme of things.

There will be other opportunities.

You're her mum. You're calling it. Don't give yourself a hard time.

For what it's worth, I have a 9 yo dd. I don't think I'm particularly anxious, but I wouldn't agree to a 7 night away trip. It feels too long for a relatively young child.

Justcallmebebes · 10/01/2020 22:55

Just Google it. 8000 miles so bit of an exaggeration, but same point!

lisag1969 · 10/01/2020 23:04

I wouldn't let mine go. X

OrangeLindt · 10/01/2020 23:05

7 days is a long time away for a 9 year old, I would be anxious as well.

willstarttomorrow · 10/01/2020 23:10

@ipchill is totally spot on in her advice. Please reflect on your anxieties and if your DC would manage and enjoy this camp, and if you are reassured, consider of you can give it a try. For all those posting 'too young', what is this based on? Too young for the young person because they would genuinely struggle or because of parent anxiety? Most kids of this age who have been on camp for a week have managed just fine and they have had experiences that would have been impossible without having some time away from family. This includes building some independence and self esteem separate from parental input. Aĺowing this is an important part of the parental role.
As posted before, DD's group is bloody amazing and I know they differ. However I have worked in child protection for several years, and have found the scouts to be a bloody amazing organisation when looking for oppurtunities for young people who have none at home. Whilst I appreciate your DC is not in this position, please consider that your anxiety will have some impact and therefore allowing this camp if tconfident is a positive for your child. I am amazed so many people on this thread seem to think this is just too young and would say no. If the leaders are confident it is worķable and you are reassured after speaking to them, your child will get so much from this. They are not too far off high school and in my experience children are increasingly struggling because parents are becoming too risk averse/ not allowing enough freedom for young to grow into independent adults. Yes part of our role as a parent is to keep our children safe, we also need to do the ground work so they can be safe as adults. This means we have to allow them some independence and decision making so they can learn from mistakes. In my opinion, scout camp is a great plave to start.

DressingGown · 10/01/2020 23:13

@Justcallmebebes I went to boarding school at 9 years old and my parents were in another country.

Rachelfromfriends1 · 10/01/2020 23:16

I think 7 days away is OTT