To not let DD go on this trip?

[GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat]

Hands up, I’m quite anxious about this exact situation, I fear abduction but DH also thinks he’s leaning towards no as well but we’d like further opinion.

Dd has been invited by cubs to go on a seven day camp during May half term to a city 80 miles away. She’s 9, will be almost 10 at the time.

She goes on school trips, other cubs trips, family sleepovers etc and she’s our youngest child fwiw so no pfb here.

I just think this is too far and for too long and too risky but would appreciate your votes!

Am I unreasonable for declining the invitation?

If you don't let her go because of your anxiety disorder then you will be letting your MH affect her. It's not fair.
It would have been obvious you had anxiety even if you hadn't said because fearing abduction on a cub trip is not a reasonable fear.

@aroundtheworldyet what a disgusting comment to make. You sound utterly vile.

aroundthewroldyet then they’d better not have kids, because if they’re fucked up it sounds like they’d affect their own kids. Or are you the one who decides?

@Butterfly98 so should the OP not take her own children to a camp site? The children are not safe at any campsite?

Statistically the chances of abduction at a camp site are minuscule and an irrational reason to not let the add go If she wants to.

They may be in tents without adults in the tents, but the adults will be in tents next to them.

When I did camps, I heard a tent zip opening from fifty yards away, and woke immediately. I imagine the Cub Leaders going will be exactly the same.

If your DS did the same, albeit a nearer location, then you are not being fair to your DD. There is no more risk of abduction the further away from home they are.

No Adults In the Tent Due to Fears About Sexual Predators
Adults won't share sleeping quarters with your under 18s on ANY Trip.

Well.... DD went on a trip with Brownies for 5 nights. Or maybe 6. When she was 7yo. She'd never spent a night away from us & had only been in Brownies 6 weeks. I asked for advice about it on here.

She went & had a great time. So I'm YABU camp.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

I agree. It’s just a disgusting spirally circle. Some people manage to get out of. And not do the same to their own kids. Most don’t. I feel sorry for all of the children of parents who load their own mental health problems onto their children.

Just because something is posted on AIBU doesn't give posters a
carte blanche to be complete fuckfaces.

MN is horrible tonight.

OP it would have been too long for my DS at the age. You need to see how she really feels about it.

Your not unreasonable to think she child is to young or it is too far. YABU to not let go based on a fear of adbuction. (which is usually by people a child knows.)

The cubs will not be staying without adults. Minimum ratios are 1 adult to 8 cubs PLUS a spare adult.
Adults and cubs are not allowed to share tents but they WILL still be there.
Whenever we go on camp, be it 1 night or 5 nights, we talk to the cubs before they put any of their kit in their tents. We get them to buddy up at night and they all go to the loo just before bed and are told to wake a tent mate if they want to go to the loo in the night.
They are also shown which tent is Akelas and told that if they need to wake someone overnight not to be afraid to, nobody will ever be in trouble for waking me if there is a problem.
If anyone is woken at night, 2 adults will go together to sort the problem. An adult will never go alone into a cubs tent and will avoid going into tents unless there is a need for us to go in.
I’ve been camping with cubs for years and have only ever had one go home who was upset constantly but had had a rough year in the family.
This year, one Mum was exceptionally anxious and on the verge of pulling her son due to his anxiety. Thankfully she emailed me and I was able to email back with a very detailed plan, menu plan, camp plan etc and put her mind at rest. I offered to go round to their house and chat but she and he were happy with our plan. She told him that if he really hated it, she would pick him up on day 2.
He became a little distressed on the first evening and usually we find delaying tactics until bedtime work. This time it didn’t, when I came back with my pudding he was getting very cross due to anxiety. I sat with him while we ate pudding and explained that it was now 8:30 and Mum would have to drive for a long time to get to us so she would expect me to put him to bed anyway so he may as well stay the first night. He then suddenly said “so basically you want me to stop crying and enjoy myself?” I said “well, kind of, stop crying at least and we’ll maybe see how the first night goes because we have this and that and the other to do tomorrow and then if you still want to go home tomorrow, tell me when we finish the activities and mum can get here in the light”.
He stayed all week and has been on the next 2 camps. He absolutely loved camp and actually comes up to me very frequently on camp to say how pleased he is that he has come and to thank me for letting him come etc etc.

However, as a parent, it’s very scary letting your child go on camp. My DS went to the jamboree last year and had 2 weeks in America and a week in Canada. He had an amazing time. DH and I were nervous wrecks before he went and only got through by having a major diy project that we had to get done while he was out of the house due to his severe asthma and we were still both at work every day.

Only you can know what you can cope with but do talk to the leaders.

You obviously don’t recognise sarcasm, aroundtheworldyet. The only disgusting thing is your narrow minded, bigoted comments.

I’m just sick of picking up the pieces with children of parents who can’t deal with their MH issues. It’s so depressing it’s unreal.
It makes me despair.

I have 2 young DDs and am terrified of abduction too, ignore the dickish comments. We can't control our fears.

So people that don't agree with your irrational fears are making dickish comments? Not like your mad fears that are totally stupid? Control your fears and don't project them onto your children,

At no point did I say that anybody disagreeing with her is dickish. I was referring to the wholly unhelpful "Get over your irrational fears!" posts. You're either being obtuse or you're just thick. I'm leaving towards the second.

That’s a lovely post Gibble1 and I’m sure it will reassure many of the concerned parents on here, much more than those mocking the OP, will.

@Spongejack Of course I'm not saying the OP shouldn't take her children to camp sites! We go to camp sites with our children and mostly they've been good experiences. The fact is some sites for us were more secure than others. Yes, statistically abductions are unlikely to happen, that is why I used the word 'occasionally' but admittedly I should have used the word 'rarely' instead as it's more appropriate. The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine but ultimately it's her decision.

Struggling to get over the comment about being surprised that cubs camp in tents....

Both my dds are in scouting and the youngest is 6 and has been away for two nights in a tent! Absolutely loved it!

Offer to help. They will be massively grateful. I help at all of the camps (not overnight or for the whole time so don't feel I'm impacting on the experience for my dc) and it helps with my own insecurities.

OP, my eldest DD has massive anxiety. It's definitely taken over her life at times. Her issue is worried she will get lost or lose me or her dad (we are divorced). She is under camhs-it is bad.
But she always always (so far) has pushed herself to do big events and trips despite the awful fear. Twice I've had to collect her early but I will still take her to them if she wants to go and try.

What I'm rambling on about, is that my 10 year old can push herself and has realised her irrational fear can't rule her life....

There has never been an abduction from a cub camping trip.

@aroundtheworldyet

Maybe you need to redirect that despair and rage at the lack of mental health services existing to help these parents instead of being a complete twat to people on the internet.

OP, I'm sorry that you are getting a hard time on here. Some posters clearly don't understand what it's like to suffer from anxiety.

My mother has GAD and has done for as long as I can remember. I truly have no idea how she got through our childhood, it's only now that she tells me how impossibly difficult she found it. However, she was determined not to let her anxiety get in the way of opportunities that we might want to pursue because she was aware of how much it had made her miss out on herself. So she bit her lip and allowed us to crack on with stuff, including quite a few extended periods away from home. It must have been sheer hell for her at the time, but I will forever be grateful for the choices that she made.

I'm not an anxious person myself - thankfully she managed not to pass it on - but even I find it difficult sometimes to deal with my dd's growing independence, but we just have to find a way of coping with it. Parenthood is a gradual process of letting go, and that's what makes it so difficult. But it isn't fair to wrap them up in cotton wool, we have to let them explore and have their own adventures.

Whatever you decide about this trip, please make it about what's right for your dd, and not about your own feelings. She will thank you for it in the future.

OP, I think the most important thing is does your DD want to do it?

Secondly, you are seeing 'distance' as a factor in increasing the risk of 'abduction'. Your rational self knows this isn't true. Camping a mile away vs camping 100 miles away doesn't raise the absolute risk. You managed to deal with this to let your DS do the same trip, so you will manage to deal with it to let DD do the same trip (if she wants to) as the risk level is exactly the same.

PS well done for posting, I think that's really positive that you are seeking advice rather than saying no to the email. Though AIBU isn't always the kindest place to post...

It seems aaa bit long- fair enough a weekend away at that age but 7 days is a long time and the distance would worry me a bit too. I don't know if it is rational but gut feeling is nope

@RightEarlobeBreath
I do on a daily basis. But sometimes I just can’t believe that someone is fine letting their son do something and not their daughter. And it’s ok for their mental health issues to destroy their child’s childhood.

I read the what you saw at your friends house thread earlier and it was an echoing and depressing tale of people having children when they have no capacity to deal with their own mental health.

One of mine went to Paris with her Cub pack - aged 8.

Last year three of mine went to Paris (aged 11 (Scout by then), 10 & 8).

School take them away for a week from Year 3 (so age 7/8).

For me the key is always if they want to go - can't imagine this lot turning a camp/trip/holiday down.

OP is not destroying her child's life. She is here asking for opinions because she wants the best for her daughter.

You are projecting. Stop it.