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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DD go on this trip?

230 replies

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 10/01/2020 18:45

Hands up, I’m quite anxious about this exact situation, I fear abduction but DH also thinks he’s leaning towards no as well but we’d like further opinion.

Dd has been invited by cubs to go on a seven day camp during May half term to a city 80 miles away. She’s 9, will be almost 10 at the time.

She goes on school trips, other cubs trips, family sleepovers etc and she’s our youngest child fwiw so no pfb here.

I just think this is too far and for too long and too risky but would appreciate your votes!

Am I unreasonable for declining the invitation?

OP posts:

Doingitforhim · 10/01/2020 19:17

I went away with brownies when I was too young to join the brownies as I was on the waiting list and they had a drop out. Also used to go with the scouts because my Mate’s dad was a leader when I was about 11 or so. My children went camping with my husband at 5, had a ball. I don’t think the distance matters. If you trust the adults it’ll be good for them to muck in with the rest.

LordOfTheWhys · 10/01/2020 19:18

I think it depends on your DD.
The Scouts have been running events for years. They're very experienced and will have risk assessments for every aspect of the trip.
DS wouldn't want to go but he is prone to illness and anxiety so it wouldn't be fun for him. If he did want to go, then I'd follow his lead.

cardibach · 10/01/2020 19:18

The fact that she's only 9 and lacks an adult capacity to make decisions for an entire week? In a place she doesn't know?
She’s not making most of the decisions. The cub leaders are, managed
DD did pony camp for a week at a time. First year she did it she was 8. It was in tents, no leaders, just teenaged helpers camping out. Adults in nearby house. She lived it. Very close to trench foot when she got home though...

ohwheniknow · 10/01/2020 19:20

Your anxiety disorder is for you to deal with, not to transfer to your child.

coconuttelegraph · 10/01/2020 19:21

I’ve never heard of a cubs camp where the kids camp in tents, it’s normally in huts/dorms/cabins. Which one is it?

You can no longer say this - my DC went on cub camps in actual tents, what an oddly aggressive post. Surprisingly you haven't heard of every camp in existence.

I don't think there's one clear cut answer OP, there are many factors to be taken into account however abduction isn't one of them, has this ever actually happened in the UK, surely it would have been huge news.

thetreeisstressingmeout · 10/01/2020 19:21

You trust them for 3/4 nights so you should trust them for 7.

mummaaw · 10/01/2020 19:21

I went camping with the school and we were all in a private feild not just in the middle of nowhere so it probably very safe

saraclara · 10/01/2020 19:22

You need to separate your GAD from your decision. You can't restrict your DD's activities for the rest of your life. And it's important that she doesn't pick up on your anxiety.

Clearly you know that abduction is probably the least of likely to happen of all the risks that your daughter faces in life.
So focus on the realities of this trip, and what she wants out of it (assuming that she wants to go).

redbullgivesyouflings · 10/01/2020 19:22

I have GAD and my main trigger is abduction. I can’t rationalise that to you I’m afraid but it’s a very real fear.

Are you seeking any help for this? Please don't let your anxieties dictate what happens or does not happen in your DD's life. It's really not fair for her to end up fearing or being averse to something just because you are.

Ikeameatballs · 10/01/2020 19:24

YABU.

Does she want to go? Without your influence?

This risk of abduction is so low as to be negligible. The risk of her going and wanting to come home mid-week is, I think, moderate. But you could easily get her home if this happened.

Original poster

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 10/01/2020 19:24

Your letting your MH affect your children. This is not good.

Actually I think I’d disagree. I’m aware my feelings aren’t rational hence asking for advice/opinions. I don’t discuss this in front of my children. In 16 years I think this is the first time I have hesitated. When ds2 was 9/10 he went on the same camp of 7 days but the location was much closer.

I have seemed help for my GAD, I was given CBT. I am better than I was but accept I’m not cured. I used to have panic attacks and insomnia and physical symptoms, most of which is disappeared. I still have the background thoughts and worries which I continue to work on.

OP posts:

Iggleonkupsy · 10/01/2020 19:26

I have voted YABU because I do think if she wants to go that you should let her. However i don't want to minimise your anxiety because anxiety is a real thing and I know how hard it must be for you at the thought of her going for a week.
I think you need to get some help for your anxiety as these trips may become more frequent as she gets older and you don't want to rub your anxiety off on her.
One of my best friends, who I love dearly, had the most anxious parents ever growing up, and now that she has 2 children of her own, she is at the doctors/ hospital so much. She is so anxious and barely leaves them with anyone. You can clearly see how much the anxiety pushed on to her. It is a shame.

Witchend · 10/01/2020 19:26

Please don't stop her.
This was me at Brownies when dm wouldn't let me go because if the bus was late back, it might be icy, and the bus might crash.
I remember far more the upset I felt when my friends were talking about the trip than the enjoyment of going on other trips.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 10/01/2020 19:27

The fact that your fear is real does not mean that the risk is.

Loveislandaddict · 10/01/2020 19:27

i wouldn’t worry about my dd in those circumstances, and would happily let them go.

Pineaurouge · 10/01/2020 19:28

Where I live the kids go on school trips from age 3! At 7 she was away for a week on a french island and at 10 she has just returned from 7 days skiing in the alps. It’s such a great opportunity for them!

dontmesswiththeGC · 10/01/2020 19:28

When people say 'too long' what do they mean by this? what's the difference between being away for 3 nights or 9? Is the too long part coming from parents as they'll miss them? I used to be a youth leader and had kids on residential camps from aged 8 for 9 nights. They were fine, sometimes some initial homesickness but that's usually in the first couple of days anyway so once they get past that, 3 days or 9 really made no difference when they were having a good time. It's definitely kid dependent, if they want to go then why deprive them of the experience and independence?

Loveislandaddict · 10/01/2020 19:29

What difference does the location make? You said the risk was abduction from a tent - that element is the same in both camps?

Iggleonkupsy · 10/01/2020 19:30

Also just to add, I'm a brownie leader and whenever we do overnights, we update the facebook group a couple of times a day. Usually with photos (if parents have given consent). It only takes a couple of seconds to update and we usually do it when the children are engrossed in an activity/ eating so it is not to the detriment of the children. We do this because we know it can be a big deal and quite scary for parents when their children are away from home. If I knew you had real anxiety over this, I'd be fine with sending you a personal message morning and evening if that helped..

MillicentMartha · 10/01/2020 19:30

If she wants to go, I think you should let her. My DS2 with ASD went on a 4 night residential in a chalet type hut with his special school when he was 4yo. It was a bit nerve wracking but it was really good for him.

NC4this123 · 10/01/2020 19:32

Can you not volunteer to go too 😊 that’s what I’d personally do!

CatteStreet · 10/01/2020 19:34

7 days/nights is rather long at that age, but the distance is neither here nor there IMO and these things are risk-assessed to the smallest detail. I do understand the the idea of them sleeping in tents without adults sounds unsafe at first glance, but there will almost certainly be policies and plans to ensure the children's safety - leaders may even take it in turns to do a sort of night watch.

lostsoulsunited · 10/01/2020 19:34

The fact that she's only 9 and lacks an adult capacity to make decisions for an entire week? In a place she doesn't know?

That's what the cub leaders are there for. She'll be choosing her sandwiches like a PP says and not much else really.

NicLondon1 · 10/01/2020 19:34

When I was 10 I went on a summer camp without parents for 3 weeks and loved it! I'm sure she'll be fine, it will be an adventure. Your choice though of course.

zafferana · 10/01/2020 19:34

Your fear of abduction is utterly irrational, but that's a long trip for a 9-10 year-old to be going on and many families want to do something together during the May half-term. TBH, my 12-year-old wouldn't be very keen to go away for that long! If you want to say no, say no, but don't do because of the abduction thing - that would be absurd.

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