He likes vulnerable women - should I be worried

[Freshstart2020]

Hi all

Am recently separated and kind of seeing a guy, 15year age gap, he txt's me constantly, have gone on a handful of dates. Due to my separation (ex refused to tell family so wasnt public even though separated a year) we have had to be discreet.

Txting last night, silly conversation, he is also saying I am stunning but he isnt into me for my looks, I asked him what it actually is about me that he likes. His response was 'probably how vulnerable you are as a person, I'm attracted to vulnerable women as they need something'.

I was stunned.

Should I run?

Yeee-euch! And yikes. Seriously, run away.

It's not unusual for controlling or domineering men to home in on recently separated women or a woman they see as vulnerable, although they don't always admit it. As for the "darker side" - next!

RUN - FAST - he sounds weird - and anything that you got into with him could quickly become toxic - especially given his preference for bdsm -

get out while you can -

I'm glad you've made that decision @Freshstart2020.

I wish you and your children the best. You don't sound like a vulnerable woman really - just someone who wouldn't mind a bit of nice adult company.

How much do you really know about him? How did you meet. What is his situation with relationships? Please listen to the advice that people are giving you. Give yourself time to get over your ex before jumping into the next relationship. This one certainly doesn’t sound right for you.

And 'Fifty Shades of Grey' was not a documentary.

It was a story of how an vulnerable, inexperienced woman is controlled by a man. If Christian Grey had been fifty, missing teeth and an overweight postman, how much would Ana have put up with from him?

He wouldn't even have got through the door.

Plumbus to be honest I want to believe this as I see that side to him

Please run and don't look back. I once found myself in a relationship like this. He called me vulnerable, I didn't think I was but he drilled it into me that I was and he was there to save the day. He love bombed me in ways I could never have dreamt and then he pulled the rug so quickly it was awful- I wouldn't wish the mental trauma on anyone. It was a long long time a go now but it still sends shivers down my spine how manipulative someone could be.

I’m guessing he’s a “Dom” and is into BDSM.

There are many issues here...

He sees you as vulnerable? If you are then maybe it’s not the right time to be getting into a relationship?

He’s likely to be a controlling narcissist which is why he likes vulnerable woman, they are easier to control and he gets a kick out of thinking he’s helping you.

Why are you keeping things quiet from everyone to please your ex?

I would ditch this guy and wait a while before getting into another relationship, get everything sorted with your ex first, let things settle and when your ready you will find someone who is nice and not a nut case.

Christ on a bike!

Block and run.

Do not look back.

Kraai has it spot on.

OP I personally would hit the roof in someone called me vulnerable. But equally I have the 'strong independent women' chip on my shoulder lol

One thing I admire about him is his honesty. You have to give him that at least but that's about it. I would be very concerned getting involved with someone who prays on vulnerable women.

He may well have a knight in shining armour complex. I used to be similar and wanted to 'fix' everyone. But it's exhausting and frankly some people don't want to be fixed.

Have you out rightly asked him about the BDSM thing? It might be something you're open to in the future but without zero pressure from him. I'd make that clear from the outset. But equally he sounds like he likes a challenge and that might be what you are to him.

Just be very careful.

Oh goodness, just seen that you have young children and have come out of your first long term serious relationship.

RUN

Men like this sniff out and home in on women in your situation.

Spend some time being single and focusing on yourself.

Ugh. Sprint like you're in the Olympics and going for gold.

How does anyone get into it if they haven't experienced? Is it not about exploring?

Please don't go down this route.

Put it this way. If you had not met this man it would not be on your radar. Therefore you are thinking of ways to please him.

Its fucking pointless because the bdsm desire is unsatiable.

I agree very much with pp who said unless you are out as a 'submissive' you are totally unprotected here.

No just no OP. Far too many red flags.

For now just concentrate on your children.

This one clearly isn't the one for you, but don't worry you'll find yourself a good partner with the connection when the time is right. Go and enjoy doing the things you want to do with your children, build a great life and a very busy one with hobbies, days out (not things that cost a fortune just fun things).

There is no point advising this woman. She's already under his spell. All the best OP but don't say we didn't warn you.

Zaphodsotherhead

That made me laugh!!!

We have had this conversation, he cannot understand why I am interested in him. There is the age gap, admittedly I am pretty and people would never put us together. We met through work, I had an instant attraction to him, like I was drawn to him. He seems a little uncomfortable with the age difference/ looks as he doesnt want to be seen as a sugar daddy or take advantage

And yes you are very vulnerable and very naive

Abusive in the context of relationships means controlling not nasty or violent (although some nasty and violent elements may be used later on).

Before you date again I'd seriously consider doing the Freedom Programme course so you can learn the difference between healthy and abusive relationships.

It's really worrying that you can't see the grooming or abusive dynamics in what you've described here.

You say yourself you don't have enough experience to have a strong model of "normal" or healthy in a relationship; they can help you gain that perspective and give you a model of healthy relationships. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I met my ex in exactly this way - I am hoping for your sake its not him! 9 years later I'm divorced, he's not allowed near me or the kids for safeguarding reasons and he drove me to a nervous breakdown while married to him.

Please run for the hills

He will make you vulnerable and be turned on by doing it. He will keep you vulnerable and undermine your efforts to build strength or power in your life. He will exploit your vulnerability and convince you it's what you both want.

Maya Angelou said it best: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

He's showing you who he is.

If you continue he will take that as assent for him to treat you as 'vulnerable'.

Run.

Red flags all over the place.
Run now.

I'm just writing what 100 other people have already written. You don't seem to be listening though. You asked if you should run. The poll is at 99% saying yes and now your later posts are making excuses for him.

You probably are vulnerable in the sense that you have come out of a long term relationship and are just starting to date for the first time in your adult life. Men like him are on to people like you straight away. They think they can manipulate you and get you exactly where he wants you.

He's said he has a "darker side". Fuck - I wouldn't be hanging around 15 seconds longer to find out what that might be.
He is telling you who he is. You're not taking this on board at all.
Of course he's nice and charming - that's called grooming.

FFS, please block him now before you get too far down a road you can't turn back from.

Oh for goodness sake OP. I've run out of material to make all these flags.

Butterflyflower1234 I think you may be right about the complex. He has said he would love to transform me, that I have no confidence when I have it all and should be confident.

He does like a challenge