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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He likes vulnerable women - should I be worried

308 replies

Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 09:30

Hi all

Am recently separated and kind of seeing a guy, 15year age gap, he txt's me constantly, have gone on a handful of dates. Due to my separation (ex refused to tell family so wasnt public even though separated a year) we have had to be discreet.

Txting last night, silly conversation, he is also saying I am stunning but he isnt into me for my looks, I asked him what it actually is about me that he likes. His response was 'probably how vulnerable you are as a person, I'm attracted to vulnerable women as they need something'.

I was stunned.

Should I run?

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 11/01/2020 08:51

What about the other mean of being vulnerable, should that be considered?

I did consider it. But this is not about semantics - it's about the man. He needs someone to rescue; you want to be rescued. Perfect recipe for codependent disaster.

OP, come on! You know all this, or your wouldn't have posted. It really is time to grow up, isn't it?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 11/01/2020 08:51

*you

Freshstart2020 · 11/01/2020 10:51

No txting nothing!! Maybe he has got the message

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 11/01/2020 11:06

Good .
Have you ?
Just take time alone to recover and become stronger.

Freshstart2020 · 11/01/2020 11:11

No I havent contacted.

To be clear my marraige is officially over almost a year but practically over prior to that. I have clearly not rushed into dating and my children are my world with zero plans to have anyone in their life

OP posts:
Happygirl79 · 11/01/2020 11:14

Red flags!
Unless you WANT to be dominated run!

AnneKipanki · 11/01/2020 11:14

I did not mean texting.

AnneKipanki · 11/01/2020 11:15

However, that is good news @Freshstart2020 z

SpamChaudFroid · 11/01/2020 11:19

If I was looking to get involved with a man, "likes BDSM and vulnerable women" wouldn't feature on my wishlist.

Whatisthisfuckery · 11/01/2020 11:28

OP, do be careful in assuming he’s lost interest because he hasn’t been back in touch. If he still thinks you’re worth a crack, which is entirely possible, then he’ll hold out a bit in order to build suspense. It’s not unusual, in fact it’s almost ubiquitous that these sorts of men will come back for another go from another angle. Please block his number, and block him on every platform where he can see what you’re doing or communicate with you.

Many of the PPs on this thread have experience of horrible creepy fuckers like this man, you would do very well to take on board the advice you’re given here. It just might save you from consequences you can’t imagine.

Please believe us when we say that you really aren’t ready or able to engage in the dating scene safely. The fact that you have a deep desire for somebody to know and understand you thoroughly. As understandable as this desire may be, it indicates that you have a need to be validated, as if you need another to interpret you. I understand this need. When I left my marriage I was quite lost. Like you I was with my XH from very young, 18, and I knew nothing else other than him and the very narrow life he restricted me to. I felt entirely dislocated from myself, because I identified myself as a part of my marriage, not a person in my own right. In order for my life to have feeling I thought, there had to be another person to make me complete.

The good news OP is that you can find yourself. It might take a bit of time and some self reflection and facing up to a few difficult truths, and while it can be a difficult and sometimes painful process, it’s more than worth it in the end.

In order for you to do this you need to spend time as a single person. You need to find your feet and your place in the world as a fully realised, independent adult. Only by doing this will you understand yourself, who you are and in turn what you need and value in another.

Remember, what another sees in you is different to how you see yourself. The qualities another person values about you may not be qualities you necessarily recognise in yourself, or ones you’re reluctant to recognise. A large proportion of other people’s view of you is projection, especially if you hardly know them, so who you are and who they view you as can be quite separate. Only be spending some time rebuilding your sense of self will you be able to judge another person according to their view of who they think you are. This can be very important when choosing a partner and deciding whether somebody’s motives are honest, because if who they see you as being can sometimes be so utterly removed from the way you view yourself that it indicates bad intentions, or a mismatch of values and expectations.

So please take heed of what posters are telling you on this thread. many of us have travelled similar paths to you and come a cropper.

AnneKipanki · 11/01/2020 11:32

Good post @Whatisthisfuckery .

Branleuse · 11/01/2020 11:33

good that he hasnt contacted so far. I think hes waiting for you to.

Just know OP, that men like this are actually two a penny.

Pornsick edgelords. Its actually becoming a problem for a lot of women now

RusselHoward · 11/01/2020 11:39

Do you think it's normal the way he talks about you? Your posts have made my skin crawl and feel so uncomfortable. You sound exactly like a girl I knew that was groomed by an older man who said similar things, she ended up going along with it, thinking he was just interested in looking after her and 'making her better'. He destroyed her life. Be sensible and find a relationship that doesn't have you doubting and writing MN posts, you know deep down this is a terrible idea.

itsgettingweird · 11/01/2020 11:41

I'd be running faster than Usain Bolt Grin

Whatisthisfuckery · 11/01/2020 12:20

And, OP, instead of the text suggested earlier, if you feel you want to text him, I’d suggest saying something like:

‘It was nice to get to know you a bit, but a man who is attracted to vulnerability is not what I’m looking for in a relationship. Thank you for being so honest early on, it saves us both time wasted when we aren’t compatible. All the best.’

I think that would be better. Don’t say you’re not vulnerable, because you clearly are and he knows it, that’s why he picked you out. Instead you’re demonstrating to him that you’ve seen who he is and that you’re having none of it.

loserssaywhat · 11/01/2020 12:35

@Branleuse totally agree. When I was OLD nearly every second man told me he was Dom.
Or had a dark side or some other nonsense.
Pornsick indeed.

fuckitywhy · 11/01/2020 12:37

No don't text him again, block. You have no reason to engage with him again. Protect yourself from further mindfuckery!

SunshineCake · 11/01/2020 12:38

Fucking hell if you want sex then get a bullet but Jesus do not go any further with this man. Or else if you are determined too, tell us your name as we'll be reading about you later in the year in the news Sad.

UniKittie · 11/01/2020 13:11

@Freshstart2020 not sure if you know but your OP is being shared in Twitter.

everythingisginandroses · 11/01/2020 13:21

Bye guy!

OrangeLindt · 11/01/2020 13:48

@Whatisthisfuckery wow talk about supporting a vulnerable woman eh? Nasty to say the least

messolini9 · 11/01/2020 14:33

@OrangeLindt, wow talk about supporting a vulnerable woman eh?, that is exactly @Whatisthisfuckery's post is doing. As were all her PP's on this thread.

In fact, I can't see where you are getting the notion about "nasty thing to say" from any of the sensible, knowledgeable advice Fuckery has been giving the OP.

Sagradafamiliar · 11/01/2020 15:02

Orange
What do you mean?

PumpkinPie2016 · 11/01/2020 15:12

Weird Confused

Definitely run (if you haven't already!)

ByeMF · 11/01/2020 15:13

Orange I thought @whatisthisfuckery's post was excellent, so much so I wondered if she works with victims of abuse.

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