He likes vulnerable women - should I be worried

[Freshstart2020]

Hi all

Am recently separated and kind of seeing a guy, 15year age gap, he txt's me constantly, have gone on a handful of dates. Due to my separation (ex refused to tell family so wasnt public even though separated a year) we have had to be discreet.

Txting last night, silly conversation, he is also saying I am stunning but he isnt into me for my looks, I asked him what it actually is about me that he likes. His response was 'probably how vulnerable you are as a person, I'm attracted to vulnerable women as they need something'.

I was stunned.

Should I run?

Urgh, who does he think he is, Mr. Grey?

Ruuuuuuuun!

Run for the hills and don't look back. He's grooming and playing the long game. You don't need this and need to see the red flags before you get in too deep.

OP, can already tell by your responses that you’re going to carry on talking to him.

Big red flag. Please see the light

Grim. Yes, of course you should run!

What is the long game?
I met my ex very young with him all my adult life so have no dating experience at all

Some people don't learn, how about not dating anyone else for a while instead of jumping from dickhead to dickhead

I agree - run. He's grooming you.

He 'doesn't want to move too quickly' because everything needs to be on his terms.
You'll develop feelings and his games will start and you'll let him fuck you about because you'll feel like you need him.

He likes vulnerable women because they're easy to manipulate.
He wants control in the bedroom and IRL.

He sounds like the kind of person who'll force you into things in the bedroom and convince you that you agreed to it.

BDSM is not a problem if both partners are into it. But there needs to be CONSIDERABLE trust between partners for that, and his 'vulnerable women' comment is creepy AF. I'd be put off OP.

I'm not sure there's anything any of us can say to persuade you, OP. Maybe you need to go through it to see for yourself. Best of luck with that.

Run. Fast. Block.

GiveHerHellFromUs yes I agree everything is on his terms. He has a high flying job, CEO type.

Damntheman yes I agree with your comment. I have no issue with people's preferences, I cant say if I am into it or not as i have never experienced. But it is too early for any of that

And if you are not into BDSM you are not into it. It would be unlikely that you will suddenly develop a taste for it having not had any inkling prior

Your choice OP. You want to stay with a man who has announced he wants a victim, nothing I can do, you’re an adult.

lemonsandlimes123

My ex was not abusive. I dont see that this man has done anything abusive to me either

When I read in the press of women murdered by their partners, who then get acquitted because they claimed it was “a violent sex game gone wrong”, I always wonder how these women got lured into these terrible relationships. Now I know.
OP, I don’t want you to be the next victim I read about. Leave now.

lemonsandlimes123

How does anyone get into it if they haven't experienced? Is it not about exploring?

Those of us who haven't been in abusive relationships isn't because we haven't met an abuser, it's because when they pull shit like this we walk away.

Those of us who have grown up in profoundly dysfunctional, often abusive, households are often not only not equipped to make healthy choices: we also choose what we know, and so perpetuate a damaging cycle.

OP wants a strong man to rescue her - to 'take' her. I've seen where that leads far too many times, but it's often an easier option than taking responsibility for our own power and our lives.

He sounds like one of those guys who describe the self as a "dom" when really what they mean is they are on a power trip using bdsm terminology as a cover for their desire to abuse women. There are plenty of them in the bdsm community. They are assholes.

There is a marked difference from the PP friend who reflected on his dating past and noticed a trend to someone who actively looks for specific types of people. As an extreme example its the same as someone realising they have only ever dated white guys compared to someone saying I only date white guys. One is a reflection, the other is racist.

Of course he is lovely in person, but I'd be running faaaaar, far away and working on my self-confidence and people pleasing if I were you. Who really agrees to keep quite for more than maybe a few days after they split up with someone?

He has said he cannot allow himself to get too involved emotionally yet as he doesnt want to b crushed.

Ugh, he's seeing how long he can keep you hanging on for him while you get more emotionally invested in him. Then he can reel you all the way in cos during that time you've been so busy waiting on him to decide how wonderful you are that you've done no work on yourself and you're primed for him to be the full dickhead that he really is. It's the same as all the guys who use the "I've never fallen for anyone so quickly before" line after like a week. It's a play. It's to make you think you are that extra special magic person who's going to turn this guy's world around.

Very early on I made a comment about feeling I was drowning most days and he said I am a great swimmer. I see both sides

When he barely knew you. How would he have any idea how you are actually coping?

Just walk away.

freshstart - Your ex told you who you could and couldn't tell about your separation, that's not normal. This guy is so clear.y grooming you to anyone with half an eye open.

OP of course he is grooming you he is clearly indicating his preferences and he is so confident that his process is working he is even telling you he likes your vulnerability - a move clearly designed for you to feel you can be vulnerable with

And he ISNT into BDSM that is a highly regulated area where the dominant one would never dream of getting involved with anyone who wasnt out as a submissive at all. He just has a dark sadisitic side he wants to act out with you.

The long game is clear - to get you so far down the rabbit hole with him you give him carte blanche to remove any sexual boundaries you have for HIS pleasure. BDSM would have clear boundaries and would be for both.

Please end it now

OP doesn’t want advice. She just wants us to tell her that it’s ok and she might like it if she tries it, she’s brushing off any advice to the contrary. She’s perfect for grooming, as far as he is concerned.

afistfulofdolores - agreed. But what is frustrating is when it is a situation like this. The OP knows it isn't right thats why she posted. Everyone has agreed this is a massive red flag but now she is starting to make excuses about why she should stay. At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself.

OP I agree with other posters concerns that regardless of what you read from us you're going to carry on anyway. Please please just read that book as if nothing else it will help you spot warning signs and behaviour patterns. And I'm taking about yours, not just his.