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AIBU?

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Original poster

He likes vulnerable women - should I be worried

308 replies

Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 09:30

Hi all

Am recently separated and kind of seeing a guy, 15year age gap, he txt's me constantly, have gone on a handful of dates. Due to my separation (ex refused to tell family so wasnt public even though separated a year) we have had to be discreet.

Txting last night, silly conversation, he is also saying I am stunning but he isnt into me for my looks, I asked him what it actually is about me that he likes. His response was 'probably how vulnerable you are as a person, I'm attracted to vulnerable women as they need something'.

I was stunned.

Should I run?

OP posts:
ScrimshawTheSecond · 10/01/2020 10:37

Cross post, Rave.

The fact the OP even asked the question shows the subconscious is jumping up and down waving red flags and screaming.

I feel for the next 'vulnerable' woman this man finds.

helberg · 10/01/2020 10:38

We have had this conversation, he cannot understand why I am interested in him.

Ah... he trots out that classic line. It's part of a script. It's manipulative.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 10/01/2020 10:38

Run. I hear Australia is nice. Seriously though ditch him, so many red flags.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 10/01/2020 10:39

Kraai
Show them a lot of respect, be kind to them, listen to them, show some token vulnerability yourself so they feel sorry for you.

In the middle of this, drop a little test here and there to see how they respond. A "dark side". "I like BDSM". And mix that with absolutely no pressure, and understanding that she isn't "into it"..for the moment, because she hasn't tried it yet. But she's very understanding, open minded, doesn't want to hurt people and eager to please.

This gave me chills. When I was younger, this is exactly how teenage and young adult friends described their boyfriends' behaviour. It was always, 'he's into BDSM but he's respectful and understands I'm not into it'. I'd never thought about it before, but of course it was grooming. At the time, we saw it as just unfortunate that these poor men ended up with girls who weren't into BDSM and ended up having to work around it. It was a sign of love, even. "I'm so special to him that he wants to date me even though I'm not into that!"

It was grooming.

Why weren't these BDSM fans looking for girlfriends on the BDSM circuit, where you find women who are there for themselves, not to please a boyfriend? Is it because they know the difference between BDSM and an abusive fucker?

helberg · 10/01/2020 10:39

He has said he would love to transform me, that I have no confidence when I have it all and should be confident.
He does like a challenge

It just gets worse.

ohwheniknow · 10/01/2020 10:39

Attraction or wanting to be rescued?

Because you write like someone who's found her rescuer and is immersed in that lovely warm feeling of being rescued.

A rescuing dynamic in a relationship is a recipe for disaster.

Original poster
Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 10:39

Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
ofay · 10/01/2020 10:40

Something not quite right here...….

Plumbus · 10/01/2020 10:41

Plumbus to be honest I want to believe this as I see that side to him

You know him better than us. There's no doubt, it's an unusual comment. Does it make him some kind of BDSM abuser/groomer/manipulator etc...who knows?

His response was 'probably how vulnerable you are as a person, I'm attracted to vulnerable women as they need something'.

My response would have been: "what 'something' do you think I need"?

His answer might have given a bit more insight into his motives.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 10/01/2020 10:41

Bloody hell.End it!

Fr0g · 10/01/2020 10:42

Well done on not replying to most recent texts - stay resolute rather than vulnerable.

AutumnRose1 · 10/01/2020 10:43

“ He seems a little uncomfortable with the age difference/ looks as he doesnt want to be seen as a sugar daddy or take advantage”

OP do you live in the world? He’s fucking delighted to be seen with a younger woman.

Original poster
Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 10:43

ohwheniknow

I probably am, I have no idea who I am or what I want

OP posts:
KundaliniRising · 10/01/2020 10:43

You would benefit from counselling and doing the freedom program op.

You would do well to understand red flag, grooming and abusive behaviour, before you start dating anyone.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 10/01/2020 10:43

Fresh, many of us will speak from experience. Abusive men usually follow a pattern. There will, of course, be some (literally) incredible parts to him, which he is carefully showing you right now. He will be charming, so sincere. He'll be irresistible, and often vulnerable himself, I expect.

nowaypose · 10/01/2020 10:43

Run, he sounds like a total creep.

Original poster
Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 10:44

Plumbus

I asked thim that, he said 'who knows'

OP posts:
Lizzie0869 · 10/01/2020 10:44

I would absolutely hate to think a man was into me because I was 'vulnerable'. I am vulnerable, as it happens, as an SA survivor, but it doesn't mean I'm weak, I'm not at all. And neither are you, you're stronger than you know to have come through what you have.

So yes, red flags here, and he's also so patronising, yuck!! Angry

FenellaVelour · 10/01/2020 10:44

There's a difference between submissive and vulnerable. One has a place in BDSM, the other in abuse.

Exactly this. If he’s looking specifically for vulnerable women, he’s telegraphing loud and clear that he’s an abuser.

loserssaywhat · 10/01/2020 10:44

Why weren't these BDSM fans looking for girlfriends on the BDSM circuit, where you find women who are there for themselves, not to please a boyfriend? Is it because they know the difference between BDSM and an abusive fucker?
This ^^
I wouldn't give the time of day to any man online who announces he's a Dom or into BDSM in the early days of dating.

Junie70 · 10/01/2020 10:44

You're in no place OP to be looking at a new relationship.

Focus on you, your kids and getting your life back together.

Look for someone else when you are stronger, wiser and in a good place mentally.

enjoyingscience · 10/01/2020 10:44

This gives me the creeps. So glad you’re not replying!

Original poster
Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 10:45

AutumnRose1

Maybe I am completely dumb, but he says he is not interested in my looks, that he wants to enjoy me, not show me off.

I am cringing writing this, but I do get told I am beautiful

OP posts:
helberg · 10/01/2020 10:46

Why did you start a thread just 5 days ago talking about how your ex had moved out just a week before and you talk about wanting/needing intimacy with a man and not really wanting a relationship?
No mention of this guy at all in your other thread but you've now been on a handful of dates.

Ok, so the two threads are not really mutually exclusive - but if you didn't want a relationship 5 days ago why do you already seem so invested in this guy on this thread.
Don't get into a relationship - you don't really want one anyway. It's too soon. You need to work on yourself first and then start dating and maybe have a bit of sex with someone. Then when you're in a better place, think about a relationship.

But no sex and no relationship with this guy.

CatInTheDaytime · 10/01/2020 10:48

He has said he would love to transform me

😱

A healthy, genuinely confident and worthwhile man would be with you because he likes you as you are. He can't understand why you like him - sounds modest and self-deprecating, but it isn't, because otherwise transforming you wouldn't be on his agenda, would it.

He's a controlling arsehole and he's now testing you to see if you fall for his lines and like the idea of yourself as a vulnerable little wifey who Mr BDSM gets to "transform" control or possibly worse, much worse-