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Original poster

He likes vulnerable women - should I be worried

308 replies

Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 09:30

Hi all

Am recently separated and kind of seeing a guy, 15year age gap, he txt's me constantly, have gone on a handful of dates. Due to my separation (ex refused to tell family so wasnt public even though separated a year) we have had to be discreet.

Txting last night, silly conversation, he is also saying I am stunning but he isnt into me for my looks, I asked him what it actually is about me that he likes. His response was 'probably how vulnerable you are as a person, I'm attracted to vulnerable women as they need something'.

I was stunned.

Should I run?

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 10:14

lemonsandlimes123

Its not always as black and white. He did control it to an extent by saying he wouldnt tell. We have young children, he wouldnt move out. I was biding my time

OP posts:
annualleavepurchase · 10/01/2020 10:15

Op, life isn't like 50 shades of grey.

This man sounds like bad news. There will be no happy ending here.

MsPepperPotts · 10/01/2020 10:16

Yep he's looking for someone to control and you are his perfect candidate...vulnerable, coming out of a possibly abusive relationship.

Initially they can be absolutely charming, total gentleman, say all the right things that you want to hear and then how easy it is to get you on the hook.

You need to give your head a wobble because the vast majority of these type of people don't actually care about anyone other themselves and how they want/demand their needs met.

Your emotional needs and wellbeing do not even come into it at all no matter how they gift wrap the idea to you.

You need someone who is loving and caring towards you and actually want to make you happy not some controlling manipulative person who gets off on grooming vulnerable women.

So many red flags here.

lemonsandlimes123 · 10/01/2020 10:16

You have young children, you have only separated from your husband recently, WTF are you doing jumping into a new relationship at all, let alone a fucked up one. Be single, for you kids sake if not for your own.

FlorenceKettle · 10/01/2020 10:16

Stop being so silly

Hmm
ChristmassySpice · 10/01/2020 10:16

OP, please re-read your post of 09.49

Then tell him you are ending it.

You are basically saying there are red flags all over the place. That also you yourself aren't particularly in a good place.
If you let him take any further hold on your feelings, it will be much much harder to get away. Because by then, he will have convinced you that you need him. And possibly talked you into lots of other things you aren't at all sure of (BDSM for a start)

Think about it... if you were making a list of a perfect partner, would it read like this:

  1. Likes vulnerable women
  2. Into BDSM
  3. Has a Dark Side

There will be more to his dark side. So much more. Don't wait to find out.

lemonsandlimes123 · 10/01/2020 10:17

WTF did you need to 'bide your time' if you were simply separating from a perfectly lovely non abusive partner?

loserssaywhat · 10/01/2020 10:17

He sounds absolutely gross.
He's attracted to vulnerable women and into bdsm because this allows him to subjugate and abuse women with impunity.

Vile. He'd be instantly blocked if it was me.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/01/2020 10:18

@lemonsandlimes123 - Oh, I totally agree with you. I'm fucking frustrated. And then I also remember how blind I was, and how I needed to go through a shit-tonne of pain and misery and repetition to start undoing a lifetime of damage. Because, of course, no one else has a clue even though they do because, of course, this one is different no it fucking well isn't.

Vanhi · 10/01/2020 10:18

He also has been v upfront saying he doesnt want to rush into anything and wants me to be happy for me before we establish anything

Yep, grooming. Saying the right things whilst bombarding you with texts. Setting himself up as Mr Nice Guy whilst also dropping in bits of information, like the BDSM, to see how you respond to that. He is finding out where your boundaries are and then pushing them.

Run. Do not worry about being on your own. Being on your own is better than being with an abuser. And free from abuse, it's easier to find the rare nice men who are out there. Well actually, there are a lot of kind, decent men out there. The ones who aren't also taken are rare, but very definitely worth taking your time to find one.

Excited101 · 10/01/2020 10:18

Ah op, I can’t see you taking any notice but as others have said- you need to get out. He’s being dependable and supportive to ‘groom you’ but keeping that twist of intrigue (‘darker side’) to keep you interested with his ‘air of mystery’. He’s saying he doesn’t fancy you to keep you vulnerable which is how he clearly likes you. It’s disgusting and weird. Get out while you can- expect you won’t.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 10/01/2020 10:19

Telling you he likes vulnerable women is also designed to get you thinking that he'll "fix" you. That he will understand you and that somehow you'll be in control of the situation when really he will be using it to manipulate you.

You have kids?! Seriously, work on yourself and read all the very good recommendations before you date anyone.

GoldfishGirl · 10/01/2020 10:19

Run. Run for the hills.

Unless you want a dominating/submissive relationship because that sounds like what he wants.

I would argue if you have no real desire for it now...then you don't.

Be really careful, they can always be looking for ways to make it happen and you become confused and hyper sensitive as it can seem more important to them than the fundamentals of a relationship.

I would just be really clear and say I am not into a power struggle, if that is your thing then suggest you move on.

My other advice is look at his actions not his words. 'I'm so busy', 'You are a great swimmer,' - is hardly an offer to help or a small thoughtful gesture. It's 'well you cope so well on your own I don't need to do anything'.

For background I had a bf like this. I was clueless about bdsm but realise now that is what I got myself into. It was a constant undercurrent of our relationship.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/01/2020 10:20

In fact, I'm going to go a step further - sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to begin healing.

@Freshstart2020 - My advice (for what that's worth): book yourself into some therapy alongside your relationship. Your future self will probably thank you for it, even while right now you'll probably tell me you don't need it.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 10/01/2020 10:20

When a man tells what he is, believe him.
There's only one reason men like vulnerable women and that's so they can control and manipulate them.
They're often the type that never trust anyone, don't fall in love (he says he doesn't want to be crushed, so won't allow himself to), but want their women to fall in love with them so they depend on them and are more easily controlled.
Clear as glass once you learn to spot them.

BlueEyedGreeness · 10/01/2020 10:20

It sounds like a red flag but then again he's openly admitted it, perhaps he used the wrong word and is just one of those people who likes to feel needed and to take care of people. 🤷🏼‍♀️
Be very cautious going forwards if you still want to.

AutumnRose1 · 10/01/2020 10:21

OP “ I met my ex very young with him all my adult life so have no dating experience at all”

Only just saw this. Spend some time alone.

Plumbus · 10/01/2020 10:22

Perhaps he meant 'vulnerable' in that he wants to look after you/nurture you/protect you against the big bad world rather than anything dodgy/sexual/BDSM?

Seems a bit odd he'd reply to your question in such a way that on the face of it sounds dodgy as fuck.

Beachcomber · 10/01/2020 10:22

I agree with everyone else. Red flag. Run now.

I fear that you won't though. If you don't, be very very careful. And consider keeping a diary so that you can attempt to keep on top of the shifting sands and potential erosion of your boundaries. If you find yourself agreeing to / accepting things / doing things that you said you wouldn't a few weeks or months previously then get help.

cochineal7 · 10/01/2020 10:22

‘He isn’t looking for a quick shag’ in this particular context doesn’t actually sound as positive as you make it out to be. Because he hasn’t quite got you where he wants you yet. It’s an old chestnut, but when people tell you exactly who they are, listen.

Wineislifex · 10/01/2020 10:23

Is this not just the plot from 50 shades?! High flying man into BDSM pursues naive inexperienced girl..

AutumnRose1 · 10/01/2020 10:23

lemons “ the whole narrative about 'abusive relationships can happen to anyone' is, to a certain degree, horseshit. Those of us who haven't been in abusive relationships isn't because we haven't met an abuser, it's because when they pull shit like this we walk away.”

I said this on MN once. I was regaled with stories about how it happened and there were no red flags when the entire relationship was a red flag.

Original poster
Freshstart2020 · 10/01/2020 10:23

I know you are all right, I didnt answer him last night after his last txt and wont be contacting him

Need to take care of me. I wasnt rushing into relationship. My marraige is over a year and my children are my world. I have no intention of have any man in there lives. I suppose I am missing intimacy and a connection with someone, as I never really had this with ex

OP posts:
TherapistInATabard · 10/01/2020 10:23

He is telling you everything you need to know, OP. You're hearing 'honest, open, protective alpha male' but what he's saying is actually really sinister. And you'll be a 'prude' or 'frigid' when you don't like his BDSM, by the way.

Kraai · 10/01/2020 10:24

He likes vulnerable women because they can be moulded.

Show them a lot of respect, be kind to them, listen to them, show some token vulnerability yourself so they feel sorry for you.

In the middle of this, drop a little test here and there to see how they respond. A "dark side". "I like BDSM". And mix that with absolutely no pressure, and understanding that she isn't "into it"..for the moment, because she hasn't tried it yet. But she's very understanding, open minded, doesn't want to hurt people and eager to please.

Wait a bit more. All the time being respectful, kind, benevolent, caring. And then add a few more "drops", go to far and apologise profusely, be very sad, say it was just a joke.

OP I could go on here. This is the game you're in. The end is that you'll realise you're being abused after your self-esteem plummets and you're not sure what's going on, you know he loves you and he's a great guy, but you can't understand why you're not feeling like you thought you would.

I have a friend who was heavily into S&M and he was very clear that both parties have control. There's a difference between submissive and vulnerable. One has a place in BDSM, the other in abuse.