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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum has turned into a racist, advice please

166 replies

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 09/01/2020 12:26

I suspect its because of the man she's now with, and she's easily led/a bit simple/believes posts from Britain First on FB/lives a fairly small life.

For context, I had a wonderful childhood and there was no hint of any racism at all. Its all come about after my Dad died a few years ago; she seems to have developed these views.

I find it disgusting, but also incredibly frustrating as she cant seem to think for herself (this unfortunately has been a lifelong trait, she seems to adopt views of people she spends a lot of time with and tends to be very changeable). My Dad was a very measured man, and racist views were never given any entertainment.

Im embarrassed to go out with her in public because of her remarks, its horrible. Im just so so sad about it all.

Does anyone have any advice please?

OP posts:
ActualHornist · 09/01/2020 12:27

What is she saying?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/01/2020 12:28

without examples it's hard to advise....

fedup21 · 09/01/2020 12:29

What is she saying?

How do you challenge her?

FishCanFly · 09/01/2020 12:30

How old is she? I would totally ignore. My dad is a bit like that. Just avoid the subject which may trigger her to spout shit.

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 09/01/2020 12:31

My mother is prone to this. Every time she says something I stop her and counter it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/01/2020 12:31

I can only say that I have watched both my parents become more insular and bigoted as they got older. I have seen so many older peole do the same and feel some of the same less liberal changes in myself as I age (mid 50s).

I think that is, to some extent, part and parcel of getting older, more conservative (small c), less willing to embrace change. Not everyone will experince it, many will only experience a little of it, but some will experience a lot of it. It may be fear, intolerance, or a whole host of other things.

And yes, it is sad and it can be embarrassing and angering! I don't think there is a single answer, you just have to navigate it as you think is best for you!

Me? I a much estranged form my DPs so it rarely bothers me. BoneheadBIL is awful, is excruciatingly racist, but we barely see him either and he does get told he is a dickhead, often!

Original poster
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 09/01/2020 12:32

Specifically towards people of a Muslim background who come from a West Asian/Pakistani sort of area.

Just very sweeping comments like; "none of them can swim", "they all smell of curry". Very sweeping generalising comments that are incredibly stupid. Nothing at all aggressive etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 09/01/2020 12:32

shes 65

OP posts:
FishCanFly · 09/01/2020 12:33

shes 65

Yeah, ignore. You can argue with her till the cows come home and get nowhere.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 09/01/2020 12:34

I would challenge her and also ask her what would your Dad have thought about her remarks, or maybe say that your dad would've been very disappointed/ shocked to hear her express such views, would that get through to her do you think?

Original poster
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 09/01/2020 12:34

I do argue against the stupidity of her remarks. She doesnt listen. Its very difficult to argue/reason with her when she just wont entertain it.

OP posts:
paranoidmum2 · 09/01/2020 12:35

YANBU. You need to take a tough approach. Warn her that if she makes another racist remark then you will leave (whether it's out and about, at her house). If she makes a remark, then stick to what you said and leave. You need to be consistent.

nibdedibble · 09/01/2020 12:36

Mine has too, over the years. The man she lives with is awful for it.

She knows my views about racism and doesn't express anything in front of me but in fact she is almost never in front of me, because I choose not to spend any time with her.

Just knowing how she thinks about fellow human beings is enough, she's said too much now and I know what's festering away in her tiny mind.

There's quite a bit else, but her views on immigration were enough for me to radically cut down contact. I appreciate for others it will be more of a wrench. You have my every sympathy.

messolini9 · 09/01/2020 12:38

she seems to adopt views of people she spends a lot of time with

Then surely a sensible option would be to 're-educate' her yourself?
"Come on mum that's an awful thing to say, you would never have heard dad say it" etc

ActualHornist · 09/01/2020 12:39

My dad (second generation immigrant by the way) does this sometimes.

Sweeping ‘all do/think/feel this’. I got sick and tired of arguing with him so now I just tell him to shut up, I don’t want to hear his rude remarks. Just shut it down immediately.

He once argued with me about using ‘negro’ to describe a black person. I was gobsmacked. Honestly gobsmacked. I did argue against it, then I just told him he’s welcome to use whatever language he wants, but he doesn’t use it round actual black people, then he may want to reflect on why. Or use it, if he wants to be bullheaded, and run the risk of a confrontation.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/01/2020 12:41

I don't think I can say what it was BoneheadBIL was saying... on a bus in Mosely. I'd get banned! But he said it often, loudly... and thought he was being funny, endearing, laddish!

MonsteraCheeseplant · 09/01/2020 12:42

I don't know what's best but I would just respond with things like "wow thats a horrible thing to say", " eugh that's unpleasant to hear" etc...

Paintedmaypole · 09/01/2020 12:44

curiousaboutsamphire as a person over 65 I find your post a bit insulting to older people. Unless someone develops an illness causing cognitive decline their is no excuse for becoming narrow minded. OP , I would not actively argue with your Mum but I think I would say that she is making sweeping statements which you disagree with and you wonder if she is thinking for herself. Then I would keep off any topic that might take the conversation down that path.

Original poster
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 09/01/2020 12:45

I try to reason with her but to no effect. Ive been quite nice about it so far. I think i'll have start saying things like 'thats a horrible thing to say' and just shut the conversation down.

Ive stopped going on trips out with her. That in itself is sad because we live quite a fair distance apart, so days out and weekend visits was when i'd see her. I cant just drop by for an evening, for example. Its just very sad.

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 09/01/2020 12:46

65 is not old and I dont think this age can excuse this behaviour. It does sound like she is parrotting the new man. It may be that your Dad tempered these attitudes as often happens. As others have said I think you need to chip away at telling her you cannot tolerate such comments. No one else will

clairefrasier · 09/01/2020 12:46

OP,
I had to have a chat with distant relative as he is very islamaphobic. I tried to explain that extremism is in the minority and is not representative of the Muslim community. Used a good friend as example, thought I was getting somewhere and he back down and apologised. But after few months reverted back to his racist views but was less vocal about them. So would say to your mum that if this is what she thinks to keep it to herself as you find it terribly offensive and embarrassing. I think you will struggle to change her views while she is with him.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 09/01/2020 12:47

My nan does this, she believes everything she reads in the Daily Mail "they wouldn't be allowed to print it if it wasn't true" and is getting worse. She's 90 though, so I just tell her to stop reading the DM and change the subject.

WonderTree · 09/01/2020 12:48

"It's not OK to say racist things like that." Then leave if it carries on. And don't expose your kids to it (if you have kids).

I have a similar approach with my mum, although her problem is hating fat people, rather than racism.

No reason why you should accept this or give her an audience for it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/01/2020 12:50

Well that's nice for you Paintedmaypole

But I have no idea why, given that I was really careful in how I phrased it, included an explanation that had bugger all to do with becoming narrow minded and a clear statement that not ALL people will experience this (and that I have myself, in some ways)!

Phsaw!

Paintedmaypole · 09/01/2020 12:50

I do also think there is a difference between making nasty comments and using outdated language without racist intent. I have had to tell my husband not to say "coloured" . He is not racist but "black" can sound rude to older people and not everyone keeps up to date with language changes.