My mum has turned into a racist, advice please

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

I suspect its because of the man she's now with, and she's easily led/a bit simple/believes posts from Britain First on FB/lives a fairly small life.

For context, I had a wonderful childhood and there was no hint of any racism at all. Its all come about after my Dad died a few years ago; she seems to have developed these views.

I find it disgusting, but also incredibly frustrating as she cant seem to think for herself (this unfortunately has been a lifelong trait, she seems to adopt views of people she spends a lot of time with and tends to be very changeable). My Dad was a very measured man, and racist views were never given any entertainment.

Im embarrassed to go out with her in public because of her remarks, its horrible. Im just so so sad about it all.

Does anyone have any advice please?

I would just ignore. Where I live this is commonplace (not from me) and you here it all the time. All of my family members, all of my husbands family members and everyone I know really often speak in generalised sweeping racist terms as you've described. If I was to confront them every time I'd be doing it constantly. It's a sad world

I think that is actually what I would expect. When you know somebody, you think of them as that person, not as a member of that not-like-me group

Oh I'm sure you are right, I think its more nuanced though. There are certainly pockets of mixed populations where its a massive issue but IME they tend to be poorer areas, often left behind and its worse at times like now when the far right have been riding Brexit and populism very hard. The change in levels of overt racism has been massive in the last few years.

Is the town or area one where the demographic has changed greatly in a small amount of time?

It does not excuse racism but if an area has changed quickly with a large number of poople from one particular race/background then people who have been there for a while and known it previously will have different and (wrong) coping methods.

🤷‍♀️ I don’t know why people are answering the OP, she already stated that she was hiding the thread, because she didn’t like being called out on her disablist language. 🤷‍♀️

65? She's only a year older than me, so she can't going gaga yet!

I'd give her the stern word, every single time. Prefaced with "Mother, you know I find racist remarks offensive and upsetting. If you keep saying things like that, I will have to leave/go home and leave you here/you'll have to leave*"

And stick to it, every single time.

If that doesn't work, tell her to make a doctor's appointment, in case her personality change is an early sign of dementia.

*delete as applicable

My Bil says pathetic things like that. His favourite being....”Muslims have never invented anything, they hate us but love all our technology.” My DH always tells him to shut up, he’s ignorant etc but he’s a pig headed racist bigot.

mvslim.com/10-things-you-use-every-day-that-are-invented-by-muslims/

@bluemoon19, I have a vile racist BIL, there seem to be a lot of them about.

I started saying "You know I find racist comments offensive and upsetting, if you carry on, one of us will have to leave".

The first time, I followed it through with getting the car keys and telling DP to get his coat on, unless he wanted to get the train home. He got his coat, and we left.

He doesn't do it any more, just makes pejorative remarks about Corbyn to try and wind me up instead.

My dad's become the same. Retired and spends a lot of his time on the internet, seemingly believing everything he reads (not only has he become very racist but also a conspiracy theorist).

I remember reading a study that said the greatest predictor of whether someone shared fake news on the internet wasn't political beliefs but was age. Older people were around 10 times more likely to share (and presumably, believe) fake news than younger people.

I think that's a real issue: there is a hell of a lot of disinformation that we're regularly exposed to online and older people, who didn't grow up with the internet, are generally less savvy at navigating it.

it's not your responsibility to change her.
Plus you are extremely unlikely to.

Just an interesting aside thought. A lot of people have commented about BIL with these views. Are these BIL your DHs brothers? Are these maybe views that were from when they were younger that your DHs have moved away from. What hapoens if when you get older these views resurface? Or the filter that prevents the thoughts being publicly aired gets switched off.? Do you then leave your partner you have loved for 40 years. Do you accept it is something outside of his control, that your DC wont want to be around him?
What if your own views and thought processes dont keep up with new trends and you find the views you have held for years suddenly no longer acceptable and everyday words you have always used suddenly become offensive. Is it going to be ok for your DC not to see you anymore and not let their DC have a good relationship with you. Or should your DC be saying sometimes it gets difficult for people when they are so used to something being one way for x amount of years to remember that it has changed and they now have to use a whole new way of thinking and speaking?

My mother will be 70 next year and wouldn't dream of making comments like you describe, as she's not racist and never has been

My father is 77 and would, but he has always been a racist (we are NC)

My sister is 43 and I suspect harbours racist views. She is very careful because she would lose her job, but she makes remarks I find quite telling.

People saying let it go because she's 63 are being patronising I think. 63 is born just before the Sixties NOT "well they lived through the war so"

63 is young enough to be firmly told and old enough to know better.

Oh, and hiding the thread because you don't like the fact that you've been justifiably criticised for using prejudicial language of your own is embarrassingly ironic

I took "a bit simple" as a way to avoid saying "my mother is thick" -- would the latter be disablist, and if so why? I mean, what is an acceptable way to say "my mother doesn't seem to have, or maybe use, much of a brain", when it is clearly descriptive of her mother's condition rather than intended as a judgement on her mother's condition? (Maybe it was meant to be an excuse for her mother?) Would thick, gormless, stupid, dull, inane, obtuse, dense, crass, dim, asinine, fatuous, fuddled, gumptionless, witless, or bird-brained be better? Why?

If we are not allowed to differentiate between those who are clear of thought and those who are not, it may sometimes make it a bit difficult to discuss someone having done something mind-bogglingly stupid, I'd've thought.

Totallyfuckedupfamily thank you, I’ll show that to the vile Bil.

i have a mother like this too.

Homophobic, racist, anti feminist.

Can't change her spots.
I ignore.

"My mother is not particularly intelligent/ is not a critical thinker" would suffice without being loaded, surely

About the surgical instruments thing: trepanning seems to have been around since Neolithic times, because evidence of it having been done to early skeletons has been found. Would that require a surgical instrument?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit, I don't think most people talk like that! I cannot in fact remember ever hearing anyone say of another that they were not a critical thinker. Maybe I don't move in rarefied enough circles.

"What do you mean?" usually has racists frantically backpeddling of their own accord

Perhaps not but you do have to be really careful how you phrase things on here or you lose your thread to a chorus of pedantry.

That said : "Simple" HAS been used and is best known as sly derogatory descriptive term for people with LD for years.

Which is a shame because I think if that wasn't the case it could describe a certain type of adult without LD admirably.

The commonest seems to be "two (somethings) short of a (something)" or "not the sharpest knife in the box", or the like.

Maybe I don't move in rarefied enough circles.

Possibly. There is no need to use derogatory terms to describe someone if you have the slightest suspicion that those terms may be racist, disablist, etc. There are at least two words in your list that can be viewed as offensive to people with SEN. I’ll leave it up to you to research which ones. We’ve all, at some time in our lives, used inappropriate language, even if we don’t care to admit it. The difference between ignorance and knowledge is not what you know or don’t know, but your willingness to learn.

The OP had no interest in learning why her terms were offensive, so choose to unfollow her own thread. Don’t be like the OP, embrace learning. I’m not talking about academic learning, but just being civil.

It's very easy to accidentally use ableist language re. mental health or LDs. Its very ingrained in our every day language use. Who can forget Beyonce's seminal anti-people-with-mental-health-problems anthem, Crazy in Love?

I'm not saying people shouldn't correct it, and the OP probably should have acknowledged it, apologized and hoped the thread would move on, but yeah this thread does seem to have been derailed now.

Well im still getting notifications, so here I am again.

I didnt hide the thread because I was being called out, I hid it because it was getting off subject that I wanted to discuss. I believe I said that.

I did also say in a previous post I didnt mean 'a bit simple' as offensive. I am sorry if some took offence. What I meant was 'unintelligent/dim-witted' etc.

Thanks for everyone who's replied.