My mum has turned into a racist, advice please

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

I suspect its because of the man she's now with, and she's easily led/a bit simple/believes posts from Britain First on FB/lives a fairly small life.

For context, I had a wonderful childhood and there was no hint of any racism at all. Its all come about after my Dad died a few years ago; she seems to have developed these views.

I find it disgusting, but also incredibly frustrating as she cant seem to think for herself (this unfortunately has been a lifelong trait, she seems to adopt views of people she spends a lot of time with and tends to be very changeable). My Dad was a very measured man, and racist views were never given any entertainment.

Im embarrassed to go out with her in public because of her remarks, its horrible. Im just so so sad about it all.

Does anyone have any advice please?

From what I've experienced, some people are racist but don't recognise themselves as such.

A woman I know says things like: 'I got it from the paki shop'. When I point out the word is racist she says oh I'm not a racist and the next thing she says is: 'don't go there its full of foreigners'. I've basically given up.

Before you think she's probably old - I'm the old one - she's 20 years younger than me.

I'd never really considered her age a factor in this

I agree.

I always just assumed it was because she lives a small life. She does work, but thats in the town she lives in. Its a small town in the North of England. I think thats the main factor

The curious thing about most of the surveys I've seen on social attitudes toward BAME people is that the likelihood of negative reaction is almost inversely related to direct experience of BAME people. There are one or two exception areas but the most hostile attitudes tend to come from areas with the least BAME people.

If the OP’s mother is anything like mine, she’s had a limited education, isn’t accustomed to reading critically, or thinking about the ideological biases of political parties/publications, or the ways in which statistics can be slanted to fit particular ‘stories’ etc. She has a deep ingrained, respect for (male) journalists, presenters, and it doesn’t occur to her that such people are fallible, misguided, lying etc

Ive given it quite a lot of time, a few years. Please dont think she's said one racist remark and ive decided to cut down contact as thats not at all the case.

Have you tried asking questions and forcing her to think about the statement? This sometimes works. Phrases like:

"Why do you think that?"
"That seems pretty sweeping, how would you feel if someone said XYZ about you?"
"I'm interested to hear where you got this information from?"
"Could you explain what you mean by that?"

If that doesn't work follow with:

"That seems like quite a cruel thing to say."
"You brought us up to not to be so mean, I'm really disappointed in how much you have changed since dad has died."
"I find it really difficult to spend time with you when you say these things. It's very upsetting."
"Did you never hear the expression 'If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all?'"
"I'm going to have to cut back how.kucb time we spend together of you keep saying these hurtful things."

although my reasons are very justified.

She doesnt have SEN.

Then you’re just comfortable using a disablist insult, then. Right. Nice one.

It isnt the point of this thread.

Threads don’t work like that, OP. You don’t get to give off about racism, but demand not to be called put on using insults used for vulnerable people. Racism is completely wrong, but so is disablism.

@FramingDevice thats exactly it, coupled with a professional life that doesnt encourage critical thinking

shes hasnt got a disability

My sister has turned into a knob over the years. She's older than me and has been influenced by the company she keeps and the newspapers she reads. I don't really see her anymore.

My DM used to be quite judgemental about people and I just used to tell her I wasn't going to have that conversation with her and shut it down each time. I'd be really clear about your boundaries otherwise you are colluding.

Have you tried pointing out to her that your father would have hated to hear her talk like that?

My mother is racist, but less overtly. If, for instance, I mention someone doing something dishonest, she will always say something like "Is he black?" or "Asian, I suppose"? Every time I say "No, white British, actually" - even if it isn't true.

@pigsDOfly well said!

Sorry OP, but people don’t suddenly “become” racist or start expressing racist views. They’ve probably always had them and have found similar people/ a political climate where they can express their views freely without backlash or repercussions.

That being said, don’t give up on your mum. Challenge her at every instance when she says something racist. Ask her what makes her think that, why does she think that. Most likely, she will be unable to give you any concrete reasons to support her horrible statements (and daily mail/the sun doesn’t count). Don’t fight fire with fire. Instead, use cool logic to poke holes in her narrative and (hopefully!) she will begin to realize how foolish she sounds. Best of luck xx

I havent, i'll try that way of going about things. Ill also shut her opinions down and not reason with her, and reasoning doesnt seem to work.

Thanks all for your help. Its been nice to hear stories about others who have experienced a similar situation.

My dads partner does this just randomly uses racist terms and thinks its funny-apparently its how she was brought up
so even though shes only in her 50s now she still cant learn that some things arent acceptable anymore

Just very sweeping comments like; "none of them can swim",
Is that racist? It just sounds like your DM is stupid if she really believes this. I'd take her to the public baths and point out some people of Asian/pakistani origin and get her to acknowledge they are swimming.

"they all smell of curry".
She is probably generalising here rather than being racist per se. Clearly all Asian/Pakistani people do not smell of curry although I travel on a bus with many people who are Indian or pakistani and many of them do smell of the kind of spices used in curries. It is natural to exude smells of spices, garlic etc if they are a predominant part of you'd diet, wherever you originate from.

Britain First was banned from Facebook in March 2018. The EDL and the BNP were banned from the platform in 2019. Where is your mother getting her racist information from?

I think if you define racism as being prejudiced against a particular group of people with no experience to base this on, or believing that all members of one race have the same traits/abilities, then yes, its racism.

FWIW I also think its stupid.

CuriousaboutSamphire

I don't think I can say what it was BoneheadBIL was saying... on a bus in Mosely. I'd get banned!
Where is Mosely? I've looked it up but can't find it. Is it in an area where there are predominantly Asian people?

You don't just turn racist, you either are or aren't. Usually it is conditioning from childhood.
Your mum is a racist and always has been, you are just seeing it now.
Call her out everytime.

@ohprettybaby its an area in Birmingham, if im thinking of the right Mosely

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Does she make comments in public? My mum and dad make xenophobic and racist comments and it's got worse in the last 5 years. They both used to be really accepting of anyone and everything but that's definitely changed with Brexit. My mums mixed race, brown skinned, her father was from Bangladesh and he immigrated here in the early 50's. I can never get my head around her having those views when she was born to an immigrant. I used to point out how awful their comments were but they use each other to back each other up. Luckily they would never dare say anything offensive in public.

DH is the same age and I ignore him, and tell the DC to do the same. I even have a mixed race DB!

she's easily led/a bit simple/believes posts from Britain First on FB/lives a fairly small life

It's not ok to use the term 'a bit simple' to describe anyone. It originates from a slur towards those with LD.

I also dont know if I believe that you either 'are' or 'arent' a racist, as thats a bit determinist for me.

I guess thats a difference in outlook on life though