My mum has turned into a racist, advice please

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

I suspect its because of the man she's now with, and she's easily led/a bit simple/believes posts from Britain First on FB/lives a fairly small life.

For context, I had a wonderful childhood and there was no hint of any racism at all. Its all come about after my Dad died a few years ago; she seems to have developed these views.

I find it disgusting, but also incredibly frustrating as she cant seem to think for herself (this unfortunately has been a lifelong trait, she seems to adopt views of people she spends a lot of time with and tends to be very changeable). My Dad was a very measured man, and racist views were never given any entertainment.

Im embarrassed to go out with her in public because of her remarks, its horrible. Im just so so sad about it all.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Yes, it is very sad for you, but her attitudes sound really extreme if she can't even get through a day out without coming out with some racist crap.

You'd think anyone would be capable of at least keeping it inside their head for a few hours. She sounds obsessive.

i think "obsessive" is a bit strong

I do also think there is a difference between making nasty comments and using outdated language without racist intent. I have had to tell my husband not to say "coloured" . He is not racist but "black" can sound rude to older people and not everyone keeps up to date with language changes.

'White trash' is quite outdated language too. I bet many would find that offensive.

My Dm is in the middle stages of dementia and just recently she is saying things like ' I don't want to be served by him or a certain doctor'.
She doesn't say the same if it's a female that's black or Muslim or any other race.

curiousaboutsamphire I don't understand your reply to me. What exactly is nice for me? I would have thought becoming fearful, conservative with a small c etc was the same as getting more narrow minded. I can see that you said it happens to some people more than others so didn't make a sweeping generalisation but I do stand by thinking that people shouldn't be held to a lower standard just because they are older, unless there is a cognitive issue.

My mum got a bit like this when she retired from work. She became embarrassingly racist and nobody could understand why - her best friend at work was from overseas!

She developed dementia some 15 years later and I wonder sometimes if this was the first symptom of it, or whether it was just the 'world becoming smaller and therefore more under threat' thing.

Challenge it
My parents are late 70s. Whenever my Mum comes out with nonsense like that I ask “ did you read that in the Daily Mail?” Shuts her right up

Age is no excuse.

65 is not old but IME (mine and DH’s family members so not exactly large sample!) it’s prime ‘I don’t give a shit anymore’ age.

Old enough to know better, young enough not to care. This is certainly the case for 90% of the stupid offensive things my dad says.

My Mum is also a racist.

She will always refer to a non-white person's race, as though that is relevant to whatever interaction she had with them: eg the Indian family up the road park their cars in the wrong places, the shop assistant was black but he was ever so helpful, the Chinese doctor was very brusque etc. It's not vile "go back to where you came from" stuff, just a persistent othering that she cannot get over no matter how often I point it out.

It also amuses me that she gets herself in knots about what she's "allowed to call them". Maybe just stop referring to people's race Mum, then your problem's solved.

Not sure she's getting worse with age (maybe more vocal / less of a filter). I have just remembered that I actively distanced myself from a boy I really liked as a teen because he was from another race and I knew it would cause issues with my parents, so I decided not to pursue the relationship. Still wonder about him sometimes....

Maybe you could challenge it by asking, e.g. why do you feel 'they' can't swim? Where did you hear that?

I think also some people as they get older seem to have no filter and don't think before speaking which perhaps doesn't help.

white trash is an insult as are some racist terms used towards black and Asian people which are too offensive for me even to write, everyone of any age knows they are offensive. There are other words which have become unacceptable more recently but were once not considered offensive. A similar thing has happened with language used to describe disabilities. Some much older people use them without realising, eg coloured rather than black.

I don't think it's something that is part of aging.

A lot of people in the older age brackets would have probably grown up with racist and sexist views and they're just airing the world view they've had all their lives.

Some of us older people - I'm 71 - however, grew up in homes where they never heard racists and/or sexist views and as a consequence are neither racist or sexist and will not become so as they get older.

I know a couple of people who have questionable views regarding race, especially regarding Muslims, one in their early 40s, one in their 30s.

If you look at the racists chanting at football matches or crowds in race riots, they tend to be young, or at least youngish, men in the main.

I don't think people who are not racist when they're young are suddenly going to develop racist views as they age. I do however, think that people feel able to be a bit blunter in their speech as they age and therefore might, as they age, feel freer to air their racist view to all and sundry.

It sounds like your mother is going along with this man's views. It might also be the case that she kept any racist opinions she held in check when your father was alive and now feels free to air them, especially if they match the new man's views.

All you can do is challenge any shit she comes out with. Doubt it'll change anything, but at least she'll know you find it unacceptable.

Forgot to add: I've noticed a gradual diluting of racist attitude through the generations in my family: granddad was an arse, Mum is as stated above, I am not knowingly racist and I think my own kids are largely oblivious to racial differences and see skin colour the same as hair or eye colour. So there is hope.

Id never really considered her age a factor in this. I always just assumed it was because she lives a small life. She does work, but thats in the town she lives in. Its a small town in the North of England. I think thats the main factor.

The first sentence was sarcasm.

I do stand by thinking that people shouldn't be held to a lower standard just because they are older, unless there is a cognitive issue. What lower standard? I have observed that for many reasons, some of which include but are not restricted to, fear, lack of understanding, increased feelings of isolation, etc, some people become less accepting of differences, changes and 'others'.

Because I can understand it doesn't mean I excuse it! Nothing in that post said I do!

Challenge it. My generally sweet, open-minded, but uneducated mother thinks that anything printed in a newspaper or said on the radio (especially if written or said by a man) must be true, and believed everything said by a local shockjock radio presenter until I started showing her evidence that everything he said was essentially unfounded racist gossip. No, Nigerian taxi drivers were not regularly mugging their passengers. No, the congregation of the new mosque were not slaughtering goats/stoning adulterers on the lawn.

My father is slightly similar about the internet. I made him watch me upload something to a blog and edit a Wikipedia entry to say something outrageously untrue about his hometown — it had a population of 2 billion and a werewolf problem or something — in order to demonstrate lack of credibility of sources.

I would challenge her everytime even a "can we not be racist around me please I dont like it" enforced with your absence if she keeps on

OP - What do you mean when you describe your mum as "a bit simple", I don't think that's a nice thing to say.

Her comments are definitely racist, but using an insult that’s common for people with SEN ie:a bit simple doesn’t exactly cover you in glory, OP.

Im not willing to go into why i've used the term 'a bit simple', although my reasons are very justified. It isnt the point of this thread.

She doesnt have SEN.

I think if you've stopped going around so much already you need to come clean with her why.

A simple letter explaining your unhappiness at her new racist views does not tie in with the person you are or the kind of attitudes you want around your family. You have reduced the frequency of your visits because of this. If she takes that on board maybe you would be able to have a mum daughter relationship like before.

I don't know if it would work but i think if it was my mum I would give it a shot at getting better.

Naive?

white trash is an insult

It is indeed but it didn't come about as a racist insult.

Its a class based insult used by better off whites about poor whites, rather as in the UK white people talk about "chavs" or the "Jeremy Kyle types" or just about anyone on benefits.