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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH should be able to sleep with me having my bedside light on?

470 replies

DataColour · 09/01/2020 12:01

Or AIBU?

DH wants all bedroom lights off by 11pm on the dot. Whereas I sometimes wish to have my bedside light on and read for awhile longer. He says he is too tired to stay up later, which is fine, but AIBU to think that he should be able to sleep even if I've got my bedside light on?
If I am as tired as he claims to be I can just go to sleep by turning my bedside light off, even if he has his light on. He got me one of those lights that fix on to your book, but apparently even that light is too bright. He won't even tolerate my phone light (I might occassionally use my phone if he doesn't want my bedside light on).

Some days I'm just not tired enough to just turn the lights off and go to sleep at 11pm. He thinks if I want to read I should be doing that downstairs, but that's just not the same.

I imagine I am being unreasonable, but I just don't get that much of time to myself (don't get to relax till gone 9.30, with kids and housework etc).
We both wake up at about the same time...7.15ish.

OP posts:
contentedsoul · 11/01/2020 19:16

The bedroom has to be pitch black for me to sleep, even the readout off the digital clock on partners bedside keeps me awake - its turned away.

Yet...I can doze off in seconds during daylight hours

Weird

Everydayishistorytomorrow · 11/01/2020 19:25

@FishBulb spot on comment.

Twinkled · 11/01/2020 20:58

You are NOT being unreasonable. Can't quite fathom why so many here think you are . You have busy days and would like to relax and read in bed until you feel sleepy . Can there be some give and take on his side as it sounds like his needs are a priority over yours . Also he gets out for long cycle rides etc so I hope you also have a similar amount of time for you to do whatever you like too. Give and take X

73Sunglasslover · 11/01/2020 21:22

Twinkled, what someone 'likes' does not trump what someone else 'needs'. Some people cannot sleep with the light on. This is not a choice, this is how it is. We also can't choose to need less sleep than we do. How do you suggest the OH compromises whilst also getting the amount of sleep he needs. Eye masks do not work in blocking out enough light for people who are very sensitive. It is easier for the OP to compromise on this particular issue.

adaline · 11/01/2020 22:36

Can there be some give and take on his side as it sounds like his needs are a priority over yours

Needs are more important than wants. If DH insisted on coming up to bed and fannying around with the light on I would probably strangle him!

OP doesn't have to read in bed, she just likes it. If it's so important, she can go up earlier and read until 11pm.

Equanimitas · 11/01/2020 23:41

Twinkled, what someone 'likes' does not trump what someone else 'needs'.

But he doesn't "need" to be asleep by 11 on the dot. He doesn't have to get up in the mornings.

73Sunglasslover · 11/01/2020 23:56

He has to get up to look after the kids.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/01/2020 00:17

@Equanimitas why are you still banging on? When he goes back to work he'll need to get back into a routine. It's much easier to just stick to his current routine.

And considering he's doing the school run and OP said they get up at 7:15 it's not unreasonable to ask for the light to go off at 11 to allow him to get his 8 hours.

EGx25 · 12/01/2020 08:02

So I'm going to go 50/50 on this answer. Yes if he cant sleep with a light on then that needs to be respected however if you need to read before bed I'd try going to bed earlier.

I personally think it's a relationship killer to never go to bed at the same time so some compromise is needed to allow you to have time in bed together to talk, cuddle ... etc which doesnt result in you then being kicked to the sofa if you wish to read when he's going to sleep.

So as others have said, I'd try the kindle or buying him a high quality eye mask - itll be softer than your bog standards and likely more moulded to the eyes to keep light out when he moves.

I'd also suggest - if you can because it gets got and stuffy - using the kindle under the covers so the covers absorb the light. If I'm reading on my phone before bed I just duck my head under the covers and there isn't much light left to annoy my DH.

NeighbourProblems · 12/01/2020 11:30

I personally think it's a relationship killer to never go to bed at the same time so some compromise is needed to allow you to have time in bed together to talk, cuddle ... etc

Do you really think that? I always go to bed separately from my husband as he doesn't talk or cuddle, he either goes straight to sleep or wants sex, the latter of which doesn't necessarily always take place in the bedroom either!

icannotremember · 12/01/2020 11:35

Go and read elsewhere and go to bed when you're ready to sleep. This is just selfish.

EGx25 · 12/01/2020 12:18

Like I said, personal opinion but yeah i do. I couldn't imagine always going to bed separately from OH and not having that time to snuggle up. We dont necessarily always have sex in the bedroom either but I do think it's important to get time together where you can cuddle up with out any distractions. My ex would stay downstairs playing computer games for hours and It made me feel so distant every night

Dowser · 12/01/2020 12:44

Wouldn’t be acceptable to me I’m afraid

Skysblue · 12/01/2020 15:50

Wow, you’re a bit selfish aren’t you? People have different levels of light sensitivity, I can’t sleep with any kind of light no matter how tired I am. And it’s been proven over and over by scientists that sleep with a light on is lower quality sleep and less healthy.

But what really matters here is that he’s made a perfectly reasonable request that you help him sleep, and instead of doing the obvious thing and reading in one of the other rooms available, you’re ranting on the internet instead of helping your husband rest.

Glad you’re not married to me.

MadamePewter · 12/01/2020 20:46

Why is it selfish for her to be able to read in bed but not him to demand no light at all.,?

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 13/01/2020 09:02

Why is it selfish for her to be able to read in bed but not him to demand no light at all.,?

Because sleep is something he needs to function the next day. And unlike reading, it’s not something that can be done in a different room.

Vulpine · 13/01/2020 09:19

And she can still read if she goes to bed earlier

FamBae · 13/01/2020 11:40

I used to love reading before I went to sleep, sadly I really can't read a thing without glasses now so nodding off to the sound of a book falling on the floor is a thing of the past for me. Now I like to listen to a podcast instead, there are some very interesting ones out there and I just pop my ear phones out before going to sleep.

Ericabro · 15/01/2020 07:38

A lot of people could have a much better nights sleep by reading this link, personally I hate the little light from a extension lead in the room so no I do not think hubby is unreasonable and some people need more sleep than others love www.headspace.com/sleep/sleep-hygiene

Ericabro · 15/01/2020 07:42

This link is much better www.sleep.org/articles/sleep-hygiene/

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