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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH should be able to sleep with me having my bedside light on?

470 replies

DataColour · 09/01/2020 12:01

Or AIBU?

DH wants all bedroom lights off by 11pm on the dot. Whereas I sometimes wish to have my bedside light on and read for awhile longer. He says he is too tired to stay up later, which is fine, but AIBU to think that he should be able to sleep even if I've got my bedside light on?
If I am as tired as he claims to be I can just go to sleep by turning my bedside light off, even if he has his light on. He got me one of those lights that fix on to your book, but apparently even that light is too bright. He won't even tolerate my phone light (I might occassionally use my phone if he doesn't want my bedside light on).

Some days I'm just not tired enough to just turn the lights off and go to sleep at 11pm. He thinks if I want to read I should be doing that downstairs, but that's just not the same.

I imagine I am being unreasonable, but I just don't get that much of time to myself (don't get to relax till gone 9.30, with kids and housework etc).
We both wake up at about the same time...7.15ish.

OP posts:
MrsBadcrumble123 · 10/01/2020 18:32

Hate any light when I’m trying to sleep...if you’re going to bed later than your partner then yes YANU - read in another room or invest in audiobooks and headphones

joffreyscoffees · 10/01/2020 18:32

Why can't you just stay in the living room to read when he goes to bed?

Cannot stand any form of light when I'm going to sleep and as that's a biological need, it wins.

I also think 11pm is really late, especially on a weekday!

SheeshazAZ09 · 10/01/2020 18:34

Yep read in the living room until you are ready to go to sleep. Light stimulates the production of hormones that tell your body to stay awake. So it's quite common for ppl to find it difficult to sleep if there is any light. This is why mothers of kids who don't sleep well are advised to get blackout blinds for the windows.

tierdytierd · 10/01/2020 18:45

I like to read in bed too so I understand that, but also find it insanely annoying with lights etc when trying to catch some much needed zzz’s... you can get yoga type eye masks/sacks that feel quite comfortably heavy some smell of lavender and make you nod off quite quickly, wallop one of those on him... worth a try.... failing that the PP suggestions of alternating nights would be a nice compromise... if he’s not willing to agree to that, consider trading him in for bookshelf and enjoy lots of reading (joking of course)

FelicisNox · 10/01/2020 18:49

Having read the whole thread (for a change) YABBU.

There needs to be a compromise and I think separate bedrooms is rather melodramatic (thanks MN).

You've already answered you're own question a few pages back: he has underlying anaemia which is not being addressed properly; that's his issue to sort and it needs to be done via a better diet and supplements rather than additional sleep because with anemia it doesn't matter how much you sleep it doesn't help. I would check him for diabetes also.

It's good that he pulls his own weight re: kids and chores and you've already identified that you need to organise your down time better.

Frazzledstar1 · 10/01/2020 18:51

I can’t sleep if it’s too bright so used to wear an eye mask if dp had tv in late (or for when sun rises early in summer).

Tbh though if I want to stay up later than dp I usually do so downstairs so I don’t disturb him.

Singlenotsingle · 10/01/2020 18:51

Tell him to go and sleep in the spare room

olivertwistwantsmore · 10/01/2020 18:53

I can't get to sleep without reading! Either you go to bed later or you try a kindle with low backlight, or he tries a sleeping mask... I don't see why you should be the only one to compromise...

claireyjs · 10/01/2020 18:54

YABU and selfish...

olivertwistwantsmore · 10/01/2020 18:57

Good, what a lot of non-readers on this thread!

Am amazed that so many people are taking the dh's side here and are so precious that they can't sleep if there is a tiny bit of light in the room... Hmm

Ated · 10/01/2020 18:59

Buy him a camp bed

CosmoK · 10/01/2020 19:00

Good, what a lot of non-readers on this thread!

I'm an avid reader but still take her DH's side. I can't sleep with light or noise. There's nothing precious about it at all. It's just how it is! Once i'm asleep you could have a party in my bedroom and you wouldn't wake me but i need quiet and dark to actually get to sleep.

Coyoacan · 10/01/2020 19:02

I sympathise with you both, but personally I have to read in bed. When I was younger and still drank, I could be virtually incapable with alcohol and still had to read before falling asleep. Reading elsewhere wouldn't do it for me.

Another one voting for kindle.

APatchyTomCat · 10/01/2020 19:03

Am amazed that so many people are taking the dh's side here and are so precious that they can't sleep if there is a tiny bit of light in the room

You can’t sleep without reading, I think that’s a bit more niche tbh

ShakespearesSisters · 10/01/2020 19:06

Its probably been said, but suggestions to read elsewhere aren't going to relax the OP if she then has to get up, walk upstairs and get in a cold bed.
What about old school and reading under the duvet like I'm sure we all did as kids?

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 10/01/2020 19:09

You could get a kindle then you can adjust the light strength of your reading

Beautiful3 · 10/01/2020 19:12

I'm with your husband as I'm the same. I'm in bed by 10pm, all lights off. Can you read in the living room before heading to bed, or going to bed earlier to read ( for half an hour before going to sleep.)

mrsm43s · 10/01/2020 19:15

His desire for no light means that he needs to wear an eye mask.

Reading in bed with low lighting (e.g book light/kindle paperlight) is not unreasonable.
Dictating someone else's "light out" time is unreasonable and controlling.

MayDayFightsBack · 10/01/2020 19:17

WTF all these people saying you are selfish. I can't sleep if I don't read in bed, I've been like that since I was a child, reading in another room would wake me up. My DH can sleep through anything but if he couldn't and he wanted to share my bed then he'd have to learn to live with a Kindle Paperwhite or sleep in another room. To be fair, I share the room with his noisy sleep apnoea machine so it cuts both ways.

riceuten · 10/01/2020 19:27

Personally, I don't care, although, as my partner says "You could sleep on a rope across the room".

I can see it might bother some, though

Ironmanrocks · 10/01/2020 19:29

I use the kindle app on my phone and have the background black and the font white. It's perfectly fine and we are both happy. I cant sleep with lights on and neither can he.

NeighbourProblems · 10/01/2020 19:35

I'm quite bemused by all the people who need total darkness to sleep. How do you manage in houses or hotels on roads with streetlamps? How do you manage when it starts getting light at 4 am?

I suspect there's a difference between what feels like a bright, penetrating, light in the bedroom when it should be dark, and dim lamps outside a curtain and natural dawn breaking slowly.

I think....

Those who can sleep with a light think anyone who can't IBU.

Those who can't sleep with a light think anyone can can IBU.

Therefore, I think it's like SAHP, breast vs formula feeding and a plethora of other topics that people defend and only really understood people who share their experience.

emmakc1977 · 10/01/2020 19:39

I can’t sleep even with an alarm clock light. If someone turns hall light on I immediately wake up. Why can’t you go in another room?

rwalker · 10/01/2020 19:43

selfish

Jomarchsburntskirt · 10/01/2020 19:51

You’re being very selfish and inconsiderate. If you’re not tired and ready for sleep then stay up and let husband sleep. Why should he stay awake just because you’re not tired. 11pm is not too early at all.