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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH should be able to sleep with me having my bedside light on?

470 replies

DataColour · 09/01/2020 12:01

Or AIBU?

DH wants all bedroom lights off by 11pm on the dot. Whereas I sometimes wish to have my bedside light on and read for awhile longer. He says he is too tired to stay up later, which is fine, but AIBU to think that he should be able to sleep even if I've got my bedside light on?
If I am as tired as he claims to be I can just go to sleep by turning my bedside light off, even if he has his light on. He got me one of those lights that fix on to your book, but apparently even that light is too bright. He won't even tolerate my phone light (I might occassionally use my phone if he doesn't want my bedside light on).

Some days I'm just not tired enough to just turn the lights off and go to sleep at 11pm. He thinks if I want to read I should be doing that downstairs, but that's just not the same.

I imagine I am being unreasonable, but I just don't get that much of time to myself (don't get to relax till gone 9.30, with kids and housework etc).
We both wake up at about the same time...7.15ish.

OP posts:
PotteryLottery · 10/01/2020 21:41

You can buy a bookmark with a rechargeable light.

di2004 · 10/01/2020 21:41

My DH is exactly the same as yours, he hates me reading with the bedside lamp on. Unfortunately he’s in bed by 9pm to be up for work early.
I love to read my books but I find it better having them downloaded on my phone and using the night light function, where the background is black and the font is white - perfect for night time reading and it doesn’t disturb him!
I usually only read a few pages anyway before I drift off to sleep. Maybe give it a try.

Tabi94 · 10/01/2020 21:48

Maybe he needs to sleep down stairs or get an eye mask . Why is he being such a b*h ...

Butteredtoast55 · 10/01/2020 21:52

It's definitely not OK to suggest that he needs to sleep downstairs - it is his bedroom as much as the OP's. You can read elsewhere (even though nothing beats a snuggle-up, reading in bed) but sleeping should be done in the bedroom not on the sofa.

Barney60 · 10/01/2020 22:02

I wouldn't be able to sleep with a light on. why not use a kindle no page turning noise and no light. worth a try.

nakaji · 10/01/2020 22:07

This thread is kind of poignant reading for me. My ex used to watch television in bed. I needed to be up at 5:30am for work and couldn’t sleep with the TV. He said if I was tired enough it wouldn’t bother me. I bought him headphones which didn’t solve the light issue but at least blocked the sound. He huffed and puffed when I asked him to wear them but sometimes would out of protest. I ended up sleeping in the spare room lots of times. It wasn’t what split us up but when I look back I can’t believe what a fool I was.

Matilda190 · 10/01/2020 22:24

Go read in another room. You are being unreasonable.

AsleepAllDay · 10/01/2020 22:26

You can buy a reading light, maybe?

lassie25 · 10/01/2020 22:30

Not read the whole thread but I totally don’t think you are being unreasonable unless your husband genuinely can’t get to sleep with the light on, I love to read in bed and my husband complains about the light too despite the fact that he seems to have no problem falling asleep downstairs on the sofa with the lights and the tv on. So I don’t buy it. Sometimes one or other of us will go off to the spare room but generally that’s not necessary.

BonfireStarter · 10/01/2020 22:31

I feel quite sorry for him, you sound very inconsiderate, sorry.

Equanimitas · 10/01/2020 22:32

What's considerate about insisting on a rigid bedtime even when you don't have to get up in the morning, @BonfireStarter?

Any chance of reading the original post properly, AsleepAllDay?

Babynamechangerr · 10/01/2020 22:38

Ya u, some people can't sleep with the light on, I can't. I use an eye patch but light still comes in through the sides so I can still see the light (and I don't find those heavy duty ones that go all round your face comfortable).

For me I don't think it is so much the light it's more that dh isn't properly settled yet if he's reading so will still move around, go for a wee or whatever which inhibits me being able to switch off.

It's annoying and I wish I wasn't so sensitive but I am.

RoyEastmannKodak · 10/01/2020 22:45

I’m a night owl and DP is the opposite. I read my kindle (it’s just a Fire but I have it on a very dim setting) sometimes for hours at night and I wake up to him reading his.

I have a leather cover on it and have the cover flapped open on the side DP lays so as to block any dim the light it’s giving off. A lamp would definitely keep him awake and as others have said, his need to sleep (particular as he works some early shifts whereas I’m a 9-5er) trumps my need to read at night.

Fortunately we are able to compromise as described and I’m sure you and your other half should be able to do the same using one of more of the techniques people have mentioned OP.

RedSoloCup · 10/01/2020 22:54

My DH used to say this and I pointed out he sleeps downstairs with lights and TV on easily. He's given up now.

greeneyedlulu · 10/01/2020 22:56

I think you're BU, he wants to sleep and that's not unreasonable. Yes it's nice to read your book in bed but I think you need to give in on this one as we all know sleep deprivation is shit!

Frazzled50 · 10/01/2020 23:17

Bash him over the head with a brick he’ll soon fall asleep and you can read in peace - no seriously I’m a night owl and can be up until 2am most mornings our light is on the wall above our bed the switch is on my side he has never complained about the light being on but if it did bother him he can always borrow my eye mask 👍🏻

Matildalamp · 10/01/2020 23:27

You’re not being unreasonable at all. If I didn’t read myself to sleep every night I simply wouldn’t sleep. His need for ‘no light to sleep’ shouldn’t automatically trump your need ‘to read to sleep’. Why should it? Other responses you’ve had suggest you’re being selfish. You’re not. But it is a problem. Eye mask or separate rooms!

scubadive · 10/01/2020 23:28

YABVU read downstairs, he wants 8 hrs sleep, perfectly reasonable. Is this a wind up you sound quite devoid of human empathy

maddy68 · 10/01/2020 23:29

I can't sleep even with the stand by light on the TV.

scubadive · 10/01/2020 23:29

A kindle on a very low light setting wouldn't disturb someone, havn't u tried that??

maddy68 · 10/01/2020 23:30

Can't sleep with an eye mask either , it's irritating. I honestly think you are being very unreasonable

scubadive · 10/01/2020 23:33

@RoyEastmannKodak thank god for sensibilities on this thread.

@RedSoloCup god you sound as bad as the op, nodding off whilst watching the TV is a moronic comparison to trying to sleep with the light on on the bedroom

73Sunglasslover · 10/01/2020 23:37

My husband is the same. He gets really grumpy when I invite my friends round so we can party in the bedroom whilst he tries to sleep. I keep telling him that the DJ can't keep the music any quieter or we won't be able to hear it well enough to stay in tune when we're karaoking. He's so high maintenance. He suggests I party elsewhere but really it's my bedroom so I should be able to do exactly what I want at all times.

olivertwistwantsmore · 11/01/2020 00:50

All the people on here who say they need dark and silence to sleep, have you never fallen asleep in the lounge on the sofa with the TV on????

Bonkers.

And 11pm is not late to go to bed!

Footiefan2019 · 11/01/2020 00:56

I have to admit I don’t get people who can’t sleep with even a tiny bit of light or noise or movement. Were you put to sleep as a child in a silent house with blackout blinds and no lights anywhere near ?!