to think that DH should be able to sleep with me having my bedside light on?

[DataColour]

Or AIBU?

DH wants all bedroom lights off by 11pm on the dot. Whereas I sometimes wish to have my bedside light on and read for awhile longer. He says he is too tired to stay up later, which is fine, but AIBU to think that he should be able to sleep even if I've got my bedside light on?
If I am as tired as he claims to be I can just go to sleep by turning my bedside light off, even if he has his light on. He got me one of those lights that fix on to your book, but apparently even that light is too bright. He won't even tolerate my phone light (I might occassionally use my phone if he doesn't want my bedside light on).

Some days I'm just not tired enough to just turn the lights off and go to sleep at 11pm. He thinks if I want to read I should be doing that downstairs, but that's just not the same.

I imagine I am being unreasonable, but I just don't get that much of time to myself (don't get to relax till gone 9.30, with kids and housework etc).
We both wake up at about the same time...7.15ish.

How selfish. We need as little light as possible for good sleep. Stay downstairs and read. I have the bedroom pitch black.

Can anyone sleep with music in the room?

Is it any different?

Some people are saying people can fall asleep in front of the tv with the lights on why can't your DH do the honourable thing and fall asleep with your reading light on too, and I wonder if they'd say the same about having the radio on full blast in the bedroom?!

If not, why not?

*Can anyone sleep with music in the room?

Is it any different? *

Yeah light and sound are quite different...

I'm the same as you OP, I have always read before going to sleep, as I find it hard to switch off if I don't. I would not appreciate my OH demanding all lights be off by 11 on the dot. It is a tricky one as you DH obviously has the right to sleep in a dark room of thats the only we HE can sleep. Could you alternate nights and also buy a kindle so you can adjust the light? I don't think yabu, but then neither is your husband.

Oh my goodness I was clenching my teeth just reading your post! 😬 All sleep hygiene guidance says that for optimum sleep, a room should be quiet, cool and completely DARK. Light messes with melatonin production. As many others have posted, you can read anywhere in the house. I think he is being unreasonable in always getting up late and leaving morning chores to you (although I must admit have not RTFT so there may be more to this) but you are certainly being unreasonable expecting him to sleep with the light on. This would really, really grind my gears.

I could have written this post a few years back. Honestly sometimes you need to pick your battles. I too wanted to stay up when my DH Wanted to sleep. No one wanted to give in and it often resulted in a power struggle and argument. After a long time we Realised (lol lots of arguments before thinking logically) all we had to do was compromise.
A) I’d stay downstairs until I knew he had fallen asleep. THEN went up to be on my phone or read.
B) bought him eye mask to use in conjunction or instead of.
C) pick certain days for me to stay up with light and certain days for him to have his way.
D) I’d start going to bed at a reasonable time. Ultimately I was tired in the mornings too and although I wanted so bad to stay up and have me time I realised I could wake up earlier after having an early night and still have “me time”

My husband and I are to VERY stubborn people in our own right so we always work at compromises if not our marriage would be well.... nonexistent 🤷🏽‍♀️
Just a few suggestions

Not going to read all 18 pages but just wanted to say that the Kindle app on my phone has a white text on black background option - try that?

I hate staying at my mums ( which thankfully I’ve not done in years due to lack of space) as she leaves the hallway light on which shines into the rooms as all doors except bathroom and kitchen have a sort of opaque glass panel at the top that let the light shine in and I could never sleep properly.

I used to have blinds in my bedroom which meant I was up at daybreak like it or not due to light shining through, I changed it as soon as i redecorated to blackout curtains.. I now have a total pitch black room which has been bliss.

I struggle with my sleep as it is, plus with the way I’ve suddenly been getting very hot and sweaty and waking up at night even though my room is cold I wouldn’t be able to cope with the added bonus of someone reading with a night light in bed, a backlight on a kindle or very dim down phone I may be ok but anything like a clip on light or a lamp, no way.

Yeah light and sound are quite different...

How do when it comes to sleep hygiene and napping in front of the television?

He likes to do his own thing doesn’t he?
What compromises has he made for you?

My DH said the same OP. Now I have a Kindle and he has the light on to read

Sorry OP. YABU. I can't sleep with any light on whatsoever so i'm with your DH on this one.

I think there's some physiological good reason that dark is needed for sleep, and better sleep means dreaming (REM sleep) to be completely rested. Worth looking up on t'internet.

I think one of the issues here is that - in my case, at least, DH will SAY he cannot sleep with (tiny, focused) reading light on on my side of the bed but actually will be snoring away within 10/15 minutes of this speech.

I suspect the same may be true of some of the anti-lighters on the this thread.

Also, saying "read downstairs" etc is missing the point. I have far more serious sleep issues than DH and one of the very best ways of getting ready for sleep is the 15/20 minutes spent most nights reading. It works a treat and -for me at least - is good sleep hygiene.

If I read downstairs, I would not settle to sleep on leaping into bed in the same way at all.

I have to admit I don’t get people who can’t sleep with even a tiny bit of light or noise or movement. Were you put to sleep as a child in a silent house with blackout blinds and no lights anywhere near ?!

If you think about the circumstances under which we evolved, once it was dark at night it would have remained dark until the sun came up. It's the interruption of that via electric light that is problematic. And people have linked to sleep studies on here that show that. The same doesn't apply to noise - that's caused by something other than the planet's rotation, obviously, and is more variable. We're likely to cope with that better, especially if it's inane chatter from other humans around us.

I grew up in London. As a child I had seriously disturbed and troubled sleep patterns and developed insomnia which I didn't manage to combat until my mid 20s when I had much more say over my environment. Fortunately I have by and large retained my ability to sleep through quite a lot of noise but I still struggle to sleep with light in the room.

People can scoff at this and refuse to believe it, but it won't change it.

I can't believe so many of you are declaring the OP to be selfish and unreasonable! What happened to compromise here? She gets a Kindle and uses it on the black background with white print setting, he gets an eye mask and wears it long enough to get used to it - a fortnight is supposed to be long enough to establish a new habit.

Failing that, if at all possible sleep in separate bedrooms.

Why do his requirements for how he drops off to sleep trump hers for how she drops off? I think those who are calling her selfish are the unreasonable ones!

Eyemask for him, kindle paperwhite for you.

I have to admit I don’t get people who can’t sleep with even a tiny bit of light or noise or movement. Were you put to sleep as a child in a silent house with blackout blinds and no lights anywhere near?

Yes, more than likely. I was an only child, so no siblings to keep me awake.

I feel your pain, OP. My husband is exactly the same and has been during our whole marriage, although it seems to be getting worse. Does my head in, frankly - especially as I have zero problems sleeping with the lights on. He also insists on keeping the bedroom window open at all times; it could be minus 15, he would still insist on it. Have tried to ask him why it's only me having to accomodate him - he has no answer, except that I'm unreasonable. I've now suggested that we take turns, so lights on alternate evenings. He still finds it unreasonable. But really , it isn't. He's just generally got a lot of bees and fixations in his bonnet (read controlling). Happy to hear I'm not alone in this pain. Let me know if you find a way to resolve it! ;)

For goodness sake, its a partnership not a dictatorship, he needs to wear a mask, it is normal to read a few pages at bedtime. From what you have said you seem to do the bulk of the house stuff and childcare anyway, read away

Maybe if you go to bed at 10 you normally read until 11,you could divide that time and both have half each. So he puts up with you for 30 minutes and sleeps half an hour later, and you put up with him and sleep half an hour earlier.

@adaline Same. My mum put me in her room for the first night and then I went in my own room. I'm terrible at sharing a bed now. Even someone breathing can keep me awake.

@NannyOggsStripedSocks so it's not a dictatorship but she gets to overrule him?

No I think it's very hard to sleep with a light on and you should read or fuck about elsewhere if you want the light on...

And I already have an eye mask, it gets around it

Definitely get a kindle if you want to read op,unfair to have a light on.
But don't get into watching noisy videos of play fighting puppies or friends at karaoke! You might find your dh even more unimpressed😀🐕