Can I decline this visit from our relatives?

[Coffeepot72]

DH lives some distance from his sister and her husband. We don’t see them particularly often, and were quite pleased when they said they were coming to stay for the weekend in the summer. They originally planned to arrive Friday night, and go home Sunday night. Fair enough, DH and I both work full time, so at least that gave us a few hours after they’d gone home on Sunday, to chill and get ourselves ready for the coming week. In the end they decided to stay til Monday, which wasn’t brilliant as it meant we had guests on our doorstep almost as soon as we got home from work on Friday, a pretty intense weekend (they cost us a small fortune, were monumentally untidy) and were still there when we went back to work on Monday morning. So zero downtime all weekend, which we both struggled with. When they finally left, we were both relieved and prayed they wouldn’t come again for a while …..

Well they now want to come again at the end of this month. Apparently they are visiting some friends somewhere near us, and want somewhere to stay. I don’t know if I can cope with another onslaught again so soon. DH has asked if it’s OK with me, whilst noting he’s not overjoyed at the idea – do I have the grounds to say no? We’re both really busy at work, we need our weekends, and the thought of this just fills me with dread. Or do I agree and then stay out of the way? I don’t want a huge row with DH over this, but I’m fuming.

But why are you talking about giving up your bed??!

Plenty of people have asked. If you choose to do it then you're just being ridiculous. Especially as you've not invited anyone. Put SIL and husband on camp beds. Why not?

@Coffeepot72. This is how it goes:

"Husband, I am NOT giving up MY bed"

That is ALL you need to say.

You have NO chance of saving this marriage as it stands. How on earth do you have any feelings at all for this child.? How can you fancy him? shag him? honestly?

He has zero consideration for you, your marriage, your feelings or your home.

He HAS to say to his sister that actually NO, it's not going to work to have 4 people coming to stay, and that they will all need to look at an airbnb and you will see them for dinner etc.

OK, if you need to accommodate them for the sake of DH, agree the ground rules in advance between yourselves.

SIL needs to tell you when she is planning on coming, and accept you saying that she can only stay 2 nights.

DH must be the one to stay off work to facilitate them.

SIL must be the one to take the couch if additional 2 relatives arrive. You and DH are sleeping in your own bed (especially if you have back troubles!!).

And yes, you are accepting this one, but under advisory, and that it WILL BE the last one unless SIL is significantly better as a guest than on the previous occasion.

(And using the line above about "it being in the interests of maintaining a relationship with her to refuse any further visits, rather than souring it (more) on the back of previous bad visits to us" is a good one).

Biddypop yes, I'm thinking down the same lines as you

Ffs don't give up your own bed!

His guests, ("guests") HE needs to take the time off work etc.

And entertain them.

And tidy up.

If I were you I'd book myself a spa weekend

I would say yes ok for SIL if you giving it one more go to make it easier on DH, but no way would I be allowing her to bring two guests with her! That's taking the mick and even your DH must agree with that. They could be burglars for all you know!

Just say no. It's your home, not a hotel for them.

I had a similar visit from my PIL once, it was awful. On that occasion they'd invited themselves as they wanted to do something close by and essentially used us like a hotel and proceeded to change things in our house that wasn't to their taste (amongst other pretty awful behaviour). I gritted my teeth and encouraged DH to invite them to stay again as he isn't the most proactive in seeing them but on the basis that they arrived on the Saturday morning. They responded with yes but we'll be arriving on the Friday night. DH went back and said we'd prefer for it to be the Saturday morning as we hardly saw each during the week and so would like Friday evening to ourselves. And so followed the tantrums and phone calls from FIL about how upset MIL was and she was in tears and they'd be no trouble (they'd been literally nothing but trouble the last time).

Unfortunately for them emotional blackmail doesn't work on me so they didn't come in the end and haven't been invited since as I decided to stop trying to facilitate a relationship and leave them to it.

I have no doubt they blame me entirely for their poor relationship with their son, despite the fact that it was poor long before I came on to the scene. But I don't really care because I don't have to put up with how hideously rude and controlling they are.

Wow, things moved on considerably as I was typing my post!

I think you are being selfish. This is your DH' sister, the actions you want to take may cause resentment and negativity in the future.
And your excuses you have given are totally lame.
They cost you a fortune?? Why- if you dont want to spend cash just don't do it.
You don't have enough time to relax? They will be out and about looking for most of their stay so it doesnt make sense.

You remind me of my sister in law, she didnt want to join in, be part of or help any members of the family preferring to live in her little bubble.
She now rings to say how upset she is that no one calls or involves her in stuff.

NO! Just a big. fat. NO!
Happy to have them for a few hours, but your home is your castle and as you said you need it for your sanity.
They can stay in hotel / Air B&B / anywhere else
Happy to read that your DH asked for your thoughts!

Do not give up your bed! That is insane. Your SIL's friends can sleep on the air mattress.

I would also like to see SIL’s face if they turn up and realise they have put us out of our own house/beds for the weekend. It might just make her think. Or maybe it won’t ……

It won't.

What will make her think is her turning up to be shown a big pile of bedding and the choice of tossing a coin for the floor or sofa or wrestling the rellies for the spare room.

They are cheeky - they won't care about putting you out - they already are, they are pushy. They will care about being uncomfortable for three nights and that will sort it!

Nobody uses your bed. End of. You have work the next week as normal, it is not holiday time, they've invited themselves to simply use the space - you do not give them your bed.

If you are daft enough to do that, expect them to pop up again in a few months, and whenever they want a freebie.

SIL knows how many beds you have, why would she make any face on finding out you'll be sleeping on the sofa? Anyway, she won't care.

Your marriage is fucked anyway, if you always have to give in to what your DH wants. The only reason he's making out he wants this now, is because it's easier for him to steamroller you, than it is for him to stand up to his bullying sister.

If you're going to allow this (and you're only coming up with reasons why you've capitulated, because you want to feel you do have some control) you need hard boundaries in place.
He gets everything ready.
He does any tidying after they've left.
He takes the time off work. (Don't you dare do that yourself! His sister, he loses a day of annual leave.)
And finally
THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING TIME!

If you give in on any of the boundaries, you will feel resentful, and resentment is poison in a marriage.

You don't have enough time to relax? They will be out and about looking for most of their stay Will they? How do you know that? Are you one of the guests?

OP, by letting this happen you're just setting up more problems down the line IMO. I suspect that when she asks again you won't 'feel more confident about saying “I am not doing this for a third time”.' I also don't believe that having nowhere to sleep will make your DH think twice about it in the future. And I don't think your SIL will give a rat's ass about putting you out of your beds for the weekend (and neither do you, by the sound of it).
On your head be it, basically.

I forgot,
You sleep in your own bed!

Surely your SIL knows how many bedrooms you have. Why is she proposing additional guests?

Perhaps she's assuming they will be on the sofa, not turfing you out of your bedroom.

I wouldn't say no to just SIL and her DH... I'd just be out for most of the time they are there.

It always makes me sad to read these threads, where people treat family members (own or in-laws) like strangers. I always wonder how these OPs, who can be so miserly and ungiving to relatives, would be to strangers in eg war zones, or in a car accident, or homeless people in their towns. It’s so me me me, self-protection, personal well-being.

If your SIL and her husband drained you with their last visit, say so. Just talk to them. We’d love to have you but honestly we found the last trip exhausting. We don’t want to turn you out or make you pay for a hotel, and of course we want to see you too. Could you arrange to come down for just Saturday night and give us Sunday night to get ourselves organised for the week? We know you’re here to see friends, but try to keep a breakfast or a lunch free for us too - maybe you can treat us to lunch somewhere!

She’s your husband’s sister. We’re nothing without our communities, friends and family.

Fascinated reading this thread! How did your SIL & husband "cost you a small fortune" on their last stay? If they were "monumentally untidy", why didn't you ask them to tidy up? Who are the other relatives that your SIL is planning to bring? Certainly don't give up your beds for them! Do you really not get on with your SIL and her husband or is it a problem that you have with people staying for the weekend? It seems like a lot of drama for one weekend every six months, but then it's your house and for you and your DH to decide what you want to do.

If SiL has stayed before, how can she be unaware how many bedrooms you have? Does she think you live in Ambridge?

No way should you give up your room to any of them. Where are you going to retreat for a breather when it all gets too much?

Tell SiL that there is still just one spare room and ask her which couple will be camping out in the sitting room?

Then make sure you swan about arranging flowers and candles while DH does the heavy lifting. Sit on your hands at mealtimes etc or ask DH whether he wants a hand and wait to be tasked. Don't stay in the kitchen if he's not busy and in charge there.

Beforehand, make sure he knows he is in charge of masterminding the menu planning, shopping and cooking. Tell him you'll help with the cleanup to show willing, but don't work alone. When he sits down, you sit down, OK?

Likewise setting up camp beds, organising linen etc. Don't make it hard for him but don't make it easy; you are just helping.

Wow - it's just a weekend ? doesn't seem like a big deal

It doesn't have to cost you anything really - so just be a "bad" host - say we are gonna chip in for take away tonight if your keen to go in on that?? don't make plans just stay in? you can still do things like laundry/housr things (whatever else you feel you need to do over the weekend)

The problem here is that you are overthinking it and putting strain on yourself to host

I would't even need to ask my sister if I could come and stay haha - i just show up at her house when i'm in town (have my own key) and i just text and ask can i crash there? I don't expect anything - just a bed to sleep in!

I'm with you OP. I never ever stay anywhere I've been invited for a weekend past about 11am on Sunday because without some downtime it goes Mon-Fri-Mon-Fri without any time to yourself. And you end up spending Thursday night cleaning! The worst thing about "hosting" as opposed to just having family do their own thing are the evenings. I want to be in the bath by 8pm and reading a book with a glass of wine by 9pm, but instead you all end up sitting around the living room politely offering drinks and willing them to go to bed.

As others have said, I wouldn't give up my bed. There's just absolutely no way that would happen for guests I hadn't specifically invited myself (and only then if there were some really good reasons to persuade me). Some of the guests can sleep on the sofa or camp beds.

I also wouldn't spend much. Yes, it will cost you something to feed the guests and provide water for their showers, etc., but there's no reason you have to provide expensive meals or pay to host them on a night out, if you don't want to.

And finally, I wouldn't spend more time with them than I wanted to. If they're really there to visit friends, the friends should be taking up a good part of their time. I'd have some meals with them, chat a bit now and then, but otherwise, I'd go about my business as much as possible. Be (politely) honest with them. Tell them that you have things you need to do or that you need time to recharge before the next week of work. They'll understand, and if they don't, they'll just think you're a little strange or rude, but maybe that will give them the message that they shouldn't just invite themselves over so often.

Hi OP, I would feel as stressed out as you do in this situation. We rarely have people to stay but we are not very sociable people!
As others have suggested you and DH must stay in your own bed - this is non negotiable.
(The only time we have given up our bed was for in laws at Christmas due to their ages/medical conditions).
SIL should be more than happy to sleep on the camp bed/sofa and also agree to stay the amount of time you are comfortable with. This visit should not cause you loads of inconvenience and you need to be very clear on ground rules, it is your home after all.
Neither you or DH should be taking time off work to accommodate them.
Good luck - I hope it works out well in the end.

Sorry, my (insert random relative/friend) is staying here that weekend.

Why don’t you just say no she can’t bring two additional guests to your house as it’ll turf you out of your bed!?

Don’t be a doormat.