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Original poster

Can I decline this visit from our relatives?

257 replies

Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:03

DH lives some distance from his sister and her husband. We don’t see them particularly often, and were quite pleased when they said they were coming to stay for the weekend in the summer. They originally planned to arrive Friday night, and go home Sunday night. Fair enough, DH and I both work full time, so at least that gave us a few hours after they’d gone home on Sunday, to chill and get ourselves ready for the coming week. In the end they decided to stay til Monday, which wasn’t brilliant as it meant we had guests on our doorstep almost as soon as we got home from work on Friday, a pretty intense weekend (they cost us a small fortune, were monumentally untidy) and were still there when we went back to work on Monday morning. So zero downtime all weekend, which we both struggled with. When they finally left, we were both relieved and prayed they wouldn’t come again for a while …..

Well they now want to come again at the end of this month. Apparently they are visiting some friends somewhere near us, and want somewhere to stay. I don’t know if I can cope with another onslaught again so soon. DH has asked if it’s OK with me, whilst noting he’s not overjoyed at the idea – do I have the grounds to say no? We’re both really busy at work, we need our weekends, and the thought of this just fills me with dread. Or do I agree and then stay out of the way? I don’t want a huge row with DH over this, but I’m fuming.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/01/2020 14:19

Yeah I think its unreasonable to say no as well. They're seeing friends so won't be there all the time anyway

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:19

Yes, their last visit was in summer 2019, and now then want to come back at the end of January 2020 @SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic

OP posts:
Drizzzle · 08/01/2020 14:24

That's half a year ago, don't think that is particularly often. Are they nice to spend time with? If you get on with them it seems strange to say they can't stay. Doesn't your DH want to see his sister? They are going to spend time with friends as well so you will get to have some "downtime".

Hatetheendof · 08/01/2020 14:29

Tricky, do you like them? Why not have them for just Sat night? Be vague about your plans for the other nights.

AuntSelmaJane · 08/01/2020 14:31

Enough of "it's only a weekend nonsense", free time is in short supply if you work full-time.

Op, say no. Be as blunt or nice as you like (any of your reasons are fine).

Just because someone wants something (like to stay with you) doesn't mean you should comply.

I'd be a bit Hmm at how the request was framed, not asking but with pressure, tbh. Even if they weren't energy vampires.

I don't understand the replies here at all. Why would you give your precious downtime & home space to people who don't respect it and whose company you don't enjoy? It's batshit behaviour because surely you're just going to get the same the next time you're a convenient free bed.

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:31

Do I like them? Well I did, until they visited in the summer, and I found their visit pretty difficult, it was quite intense and even DH was relieved when they went home. How acceptable would it be to make myself scarce for the duration of their visit? Sorry, but all this has only just come about, and I'm so angry.

OP posts:
AuntSelmaJane · 08/01/2020 14:33

Also this is a good role modelling behaviour for girls, who are often taught that their comfort and desires are less than others' desires and you're being "unkind" if you prioritize yourself.

Be that role model op. Let the other doormats on here with more free time than sense continue to be energy stolen by the vampires!

WildfirePonie · 08/01/2020 14:34

Tell them you have a friend staying over already that weekend so there's no room? You already have visitors? You're babysitting? Dogsitting? Anything?

YANBU, I would hate it and think of any excuse as to why they couldn't stay!

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 08/01/2020 14:36

You sound awful, sorry but its family and they make the effort to travel to see you for the weekend you're op sounds ott it was one weekend in the summer. They are in a similar area 6 months later and were going to see friend and spend the night at you're to spend time with you guys. I hope they cotton how they arent wanted. Odd view when it comes to family. I could understand if the visits were constant but they are not.

PPopsicle · 08/01/2020 14:36

God knows how you cope with life if this sort of thing makes you so angry

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:37

They are not "just spending the night" - they want to arrive on Friday night and go on Monday morning !!!

OP posts:
Episcomama · 08/01/2020 14:37

Why the anger? I think two visits in six months is nothing, but if it bothers you so much, just say no. I don't understand the angst and the preciousness, frankly, about weekend time.

PPopsicle · 08/01/2020 14:37

@AuntSelmaJane

I laughed SO hard at your post. Thank you. Literally had me in hysterics.

BeyondMyWits · 08/01/2020 14:37

How often does he see his sister? Twice a year seems too infrequent to be making that much fuss about.

JeezyPeeps · 08/01/2020 14:39

I suspect it might be possible to identify who is introvert/extrovert from the replies Grin

I need time alone to recharge, and when I had a full time job my weekend were gold. And I would be like the op, doing my best to avoid it.

For me, its not being antisocial. Its about looking my own wellbeing. If I didn't get that time, the following week at work is really hard work.

2020BetterBeBetter · 08/01/2020 14:40

If they are staying because they are visiting friends, I doubt you’ll need to make yourself scarce as theoretically they shouldn’t be with you that much.

DragonUdders · 08/01/2020 14:41

I'd have no problem saying no and I'd have said no the first time as well.

Who are these people who can't use hotels or AirB&Bs?!

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:42

@JeezyPeeps that's exactly my point; I have a pretty full-on job, and if I don't recharge at the weekend, the following week is really difficult.

OP posts:
DragonUdders · 08/01/2020 14:42

JeezyPeeps - yep!

Frenchw1fe · 08/01/2020 14:44

They're family staying twice a year and your angry!
Do you never stay with family?

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 08/01/2020 14:46

I hope they see this and give you a wide berth op appalling way to treat family when they rarely visit.

Inherdefence · 08/01/2020 14:46

Just say no.

DragonUdders · 08/01/2020 14:46

'Do you never stay with family?'

What a hellish idea! Why on earth would you?

Deelish75 · 08/01/2020 14:47

Could you tell them that they need to leave on Sunday afternoon as you need to get yourselves organised for the upcoming week.

MadMadMad · 08/01/2020 14:47

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
If it were one night and you would have the rest of the weekend then that would be fine but you do need your own downtime.
I'm like you and like having peace and quiet just to reset myself for dealing with people again so Fri - Mon would be a nightmare unless I had leave before/after.
Just out of interest do you ever go and stay with them or is it a one sided relationship?