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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I decline this visit from our relatives?

257 replies

Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:03

DH lives some distance from his sister and her husband. We don’t see them particularly often, and were quite pleased when they said they were coming to stay for the weekend in the summer. They originally planned to arrive Friday night, and go home Sunday night. Fair enough, DH and I both work full time, so at least that gave us a few hours after they’d gone home on Sunday, to chill and get ourselves ready for the coming week. In the end they decided to stay til Monday, which wasn’t brilliant as it meant we had guests on our doorstep almost as soon as we got home from work on Friday, a pretty intense weekend (they cost us a small fortune, were monumentally untidy) and were still there when we went back to work on Monday morning. So zero downtime all weekend, which we both struggled with. When they finally left, we were both relieved and prayed they wouldn’t come again for a while …..

Well they now want to come again at the end of this month. Apparently they are visiting some friends somewhere near us, and want somewhere to stay. I don’t know if I can cope with another onslaught again so soon. DH has asked if it’s OK with me, whilst noting he’s not overjoyed at the idea – do I have the grounds to say no? We’re both really busy at work, we need our weekends, and the thought of this just fills me with dread. Or do I agree and then stay out of the way? I don’t want a huge row with DH over this, but I’m fuming.

OP posts:
notthemum · 08/01/2020 16:32

@Dragonudders
This 😂😝

FourStarsShine · 08/01/2020 16:34

I totally get this. I am very sociable, but also need time to recharge afterwards in my own space. A one night stay, fine. Friday to Monday, way too much and overstaying your welcome! It’s an imposition, especially if Monday is a working day.

If the guests were expensive, messy and wearing of course the OP won’t want to do it again. The anger probably comes from entitled house guests over stepping boundaries and not having the awareness and politeness to realise it’s time to go.

Say you’re busy with other people all weekend sadly, but can still squeeze in that meal. Don’t offer suggestions of Air bnb ect., let them sort themselves out.

Drum2018 · 08/01/2020 16:37

So having read your updates you just need to say no. And you are entitled to do that. I gather your Dh won't be too bothered if you don't want them to stay so it's not like you'll cause a row over it. And when your Dh gets back to them to say no, all he needs to do is say 'that doesn't suit us but we can meet for lunch/dinner on the Saturday'. He doesn't need to apologise or make up excuses. Let him do it asap - now! - so they have time to organise alternative accommodation and so you don't have to think about it further.

LakieLady · 08/01/2020 16:40

Tell them you'll be out till late on the Friday, so they can't arrive till Saturday, and that you need them gone by Sunday evening to get stuff sorted for the week. Any efforts on their part can be met with "No, that doesn't work for us".

That way you'll get your downtime and they won't have a chance to cost you money or make much of a mess.

dottiedodah · 08/01/2020 16:48

I feel on the one hand you are right and they seem a little bit like a couple of CFS! However if your DH wants them to come badly maybe say yes this time ,but be "busy"most of the Summer.(wonder why they are not staying with their friends Hmm!)

Lockshunkugel · 08/01/2020 16:49

You obviously made them too comfortable last time. What’s the worst that will happen if you say no?

It doesn’t matter if you fall out with such selfish people because they don’t contact you anyway. DH isn’t keen to host them which is your cue to say no, it isn’t convenient. Don’t give in to questioning or emotional blackmail just keep saying no.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 08/01/2020 16:51

You have no obligation to put them up whenever they want to stay. Just say no.

Btw, the initial, "Can we get together for a few hours?" sounds like maybe they thought they'd be staying with their friends & the friends said no. Or it might've been a bait & switch, to find out if you're around & free at that time & get you to agree to something small before springing the biggie on you. My SIL used to do that.

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 08/01/2020 16:51

Why are you hesitating to say no? Is it because you think it will cause a family row or bad feeling? If they're that nightmarish to host then I'd anticipate there'll be a family row and a load of bad feeling before the weekend's out anyway. And if there isn't, they're going to be inviting themselves back yet again before long. Just say no, OP!

messolini9 · 08/01/2020 16:52

Just tell them you have plans or remove your extra beds so that no one can stay. Perfect.

I bloody love Mumsnet.
Only here do people have convenient locations to remove entire extra beds to at a moment's notice, & the process of these beds' removal & later replacement is seen as less hassle than having someone sleep in them ...

Laughterisbest · 08/01/2020 16:52

Tell them that since they’ll be in the area visiting their friends, you’d love to see them, would Saturday afternoon suit, or perhaps you could meet them somewhere for dinner Saturday evening? But no, regretfully you cannot host them.
Then see whether they bother to arrange to see you while they’re in the area or just spend the whole weekend with the friends they’re coming to visit. That’ll tell you where you stand.

I agree with this.

ChilliMayo · 08/01/2020 16:53

I wonder why they are not welcome to stay with the people they are actually visiting....
Whilst many of us would put up and shut up as twice a year for a sibling isn't actually all that much, I defend your right to say No Houseguests. I have some guests I welcome with open arms, others I'm counting down the hours and putting their bags outside the door before they've finished cleaning their teeth!
This is one for the "oh, it's that weekend, what a shame, no can do, but we could possibly go for a meal on the Friday..."

GoodbyeRosie · 08/01/2020 16:56

If they are visiting other friends then they can stay with them...I would act very confused and ask why this isn't happening.

I bet that the friends they are visiting have told them they can't stay with them, so they are looking for other free accommodation.

You are not a hotel, you simply state that they need to either stay with the people they are coming to see, or get an air BnB as you are busy with work and can't host guests at weekends at the moment.

If they kick off or sulk about it, it's them that are in the wrong, not you.

Drum2018 · 08/01/2020 16:58

Only here do people have convenient locations to remove entire extra beds to at a moment's notice, & the process of these beds' removal & later replacement is seen as less hassle than having someone sleep in them

Or less hassle then just saying No Grin

lilgreen · 08/01/2020 17:02

I value my weekends and need them to unwind. Hosting for a weekend is not my idea of unwinding. I’d offer one night.

Celeriacacaca · 08/01/2020 17:02

Angry, fuming...over visits twice in a year?? I think you need to reassess your approach to life and learn to relax a bit more.

We all have full on jobs/lives but you need to get this into perspective. I'm surprised they want to come back as it doesn't sound as if you have them a warm welcome last time if your post is anything to go by.

lilgreen · 08/01/2020 17:03

I don’t get dumping on other people. I’d much rather stay in a hotel than with friends or family.

echoskey · 08/01/2020 17:08

I’d try to limit the visit to one night if you feel unable to refuse your relatives outright. At least then they get the message that you are in control about how long people can stay in your home. I totally get what you mean about needing some space and downtime at the weekend. We had friends who moved 300 miles away, regretted it, and returned to the area for at least one weekend a month, always staying with us. At first it was good to see them, that is until it became a monthly occurrence and an expectation. After several months we had had enough of the disruption to our own lives and called time on the arrangement. It ended the friendship.

greenlavender · 08/01/2020 17:12

I don't really understand the angst either. But if you don't want them to come them say no.

spongejack · 08/01/2020 17:15

It's not a massive ask to be honest!

notmoresheep · 08/01/2020 17:16

@Celeriacacaca OP should relax and let CF family use her home like a free B&B. seriously? Does the OP not have a say, while its fine for SIL to casually invite herself? Some people are a PITA for this, they think of themselves as so relaxed and laid back, everything easy without giving a toss that others have to bend around them.

I agree with @ifIwerenotanandroid its a bait and switch.

maddy68 · 08/01/2020 17:17

Wow.... they're family, it's a minor inconvenience....I honestly don't understand some folk

fishonabicycle · 08/01/2020 17:21

But they are coming to see other friends! They should stay with those friends.

Greenpop21 · 08/01/2020 17:22

I wouldn’t like my whole weekend hijacked especially if they’ve been messy guests before. I think you are perfectly within your rights to say it’s inconvenient this time and then maybe in future take back a bit of control over how long they stay. It depends whether your DH has said he’ll check with you. That could be awkward.

mbosnz · 08/01/2020 17:24

Yeah, they're family. Family can be cheeky fuckers, leeches, and arseholes, who you never hear from unless they want something and if you ever have the temerity to want something from them, all of a sudden it's 'exit stage left'!

Family like that are hellishly funny to watch when they find out they've gone to the well once too often. . .

GreenTulips · 08/01/2020 17:28

If you don’t need to entertain them then you can crack on with your weekend and let them potter off with friends. It’s the beat of both worlds. They have tea with you Friday and see friends Saturday - they can go out for the day Sunday or you can.

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