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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can I decline this visit from our relatives?

257 replies

Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:03

DH lives some distance from his sister and her husband. We don’t see them particularly often, and were quite pleased when they said they were coming to stay for the weekend in the summer. They originally planned to arrive Friday night, and go home Sunday night. Fair enough, DH and I both work full time, so at least that gave us a few hours after they’d gone home on Sunday, to chill and get ourselves ready for the coming week. In the end they decided to stay til Monday, which wasn’t brilliant as it meant we had guests on our doorstep almost as soon as we got home from work on Friday, a pretty intense weekend (they cost us a small fortune, were monumentally untidy) and were still there when we went back to work on Monday morning. So zero downtime all weekend, which we both struggled with. When they finally left, we were both relieved and prayed they wouldn’t come again for a while …..

Well they now want to come again at the end of this month. Apparently they are visiting some friends somewhere near us, and want somewhere to stay. I don’t know if I can cope with another onslaught again so soon. DH has asked if it’s OK with me, whilst noting he’s not overjoyed at the idea – do I have the grounds to say no? We’re both really busy at work, we need our weekends, and the thought of this just fills me with dread. Or do I agree and then stay out of the way? I don’t want a huge row with DH over this, but I’m fuming.

OP posts:

BiddyPop · 15/01/2020 14:28

And if DH still
Allows them to come, you leave and let him do ALL the prep (cleaning, shopping, changing beds, getting his sofa bed ready), ALL the hosting (including cooking and cleaning) and ALL the cleaning up afterwards.

Penners99 · 15/01/2020 14:28

Invoke the 3rd Commandment of Mumsnet.

"No, is a complete sentence"

MzHz · 15/01/2020 14:28

Why are you not picking up the phone and calling his sister yourself and telling her that you can’t host them and definitely not her friends too!?

Come on woman!

Drum2018 · 15/01/2020 14:29

Oh for gods sake will you just text her and say you are no longer in a position to accommodate anyone. If your Dh is such a wet blanket you just have to do it yourself and don't feel bad. Your sil is taking the piss.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/01/2020 14:31

You never hear from them unless they need accommodation?

And now they're inviting more rellies to use your home for free?

'Sorry, we really can't do that weekend, we've lots on. Can still meet for dinner though'

The lesson here is to realise that by refusing, you're actually protecting your relationship with them. They are being cheeky - so refuse, so you don't end up disliking them. It's for their own good!

Tell your DH that.

girlywhirly · 15/01/2020 14:48

I would only accept this sort of behaviour from people I loved dearly, knew would be tidy and helpful and would either bring food or pay for a meal out.

SIL can’t even say when she and the others are coming, how the hell do you plan for that.

Just say no, whenever it is it won’t be convenient, you aren’t having your home turned into a pigsty like last time, you won’t be spending loads of money or end up cleaning up after them. If you know the two other relatives, say very politely to them that you cannot have any guests to stay at present. Make hints about work on the home that you don’t know when will be done. If you really want to land SIL in it, tell the other relatives what an appalling guest she was last time she came, with details!

Original poster

Coffeepot72 · 15/01/2020 14:52

Whilst initially having expressed his reservations about the stay, DH is now keen for it to go ahead. Even though last time they stayed he found it just as difficult as I did. He simply hasn’t thought this through –if we have arrivals/departures on Friday afternoon or Monday morning, then one of us will need to arrange to be at home (ie not at work) and he suffers with his back so I know he won’t want to sleep on a camp bed/sofa.

We argued about this at length, and I eventually backed down, rightly or wrongly, because I know it would cause lasting damage between us if I turn his sister away. But I have made it extremely clear that an such an invasion is a huge p*ss take, will be extremely stressful for me (even if it isn’t for him, although ask him again when they’ve gone ……..) and he can do all the running around and sorting out. If the two extra guests do appear, I’m seriously considering suggesting to DH that we make arrangements to sleep somewhere else, just so we have proper beds and get proper sleep. I doubt DH would go for this, he will insist that any discomfort/inconvenience is absolutely fine, but I guarantee that once he’s in the midst of it, he will feel differently.

OP posts:

VerySale · 15/01/2020 14:53

They now need to be told this isn't convenient and they need a hotel. Fuck would I be giving up my bed, let alone for unwanted guestsand their extras!

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/01/2020 14:55

I sense SIL has a history of pushing the boundaries?
I think you and husband need to agree some ground rules ie 2 night maximum with proper notice, no extra bodies turning up, no extra costs to you - if they have any special requests ie food they bring it with them
Hubby helping in the beds etc .No you taking them out and paying for meals

I think you need to say 5hat last time it was problematic them staying on a Monday and this can’t happen again. They can always get a hotel if this is a problem.

Be nice but firm and say if this isn’t acceptable there’s other places they can stay which would accommodate them.

Be nice but firm x x x

flirtygirl · 15/01/2020 14:56

What a palaver op and partly of your own making you should have said no or if to compromise with husband, you should have said sat and sun only so you get Fri evening and sun evening.

At least with compromise you would have been better off, you and your husband sound hard work if you argued over this.

IntermittentParps · 15/01/2020 14:58

I know it would cause lasting damage between us if I turn his sister away.
But it is also causing damage between you to have her stay. And it's not just her, it's these extra, uninvited people who SHE has decided may come with her.

You really need to sort this out, OP, and stop backing down.

MaggieFS · 15/01/2020 14:58

Blimey. It might not be what you want, but given this chaos, I'd be tempted to book yourselves a hotel and have a nice weekend away!

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/01/2020 14:59

Why on earth are you even thinking of giving up your bed to guests????
Crazy
There’s a difference between being a good host and a mug!
Sorry I’d be deciding when was convienient to stay not be dictated to in my own home!

BigFatLiar · 15/01/2020 15:00

Why don't you have a weekend break yourself and let him sort it out himself.

midnightmisssuki · 15/01/2020 15:01

Jesus Christ Op. you don’t like them. Just say NO. Stop looking for reasons - you don’t want them there but don’t want to say no in case you look bad? Just say No!

MintedLamb · 15/01/2020 15:03

If the extra guests do come, why can they not go on the sofa? There's no way I would give up my bed!

Original poster

Coffeepot72 · 15/01/2020 15:07

I’m slightly swayed by the fact that DH lent his car to my brother last year, this caused DH quite a lot of inconvenience, but he was really good about it, and it really helped my brother out. So I will do this Sister Invasion thing one more time, I will then feel more confident about saying “I am not doing this for a third time”. I also think that this extra layer of inconvenience (ie, having nowhere to sleep if the extra guests do materialise) could make DH think twice about being so accommodating in the future. I would also like to see SIL’s face if they turn up and realise they have put us out of our own house/beds for the weekend. It might just make her think. Or maybe it won’t ……

OP posts:

Whatsnewpussyhat · 15/01/2020 15:15

Ffs say no. No to extra guests. Would I fuck give up my bedroom for anyone, especially uninvited, unwanted guests!!!

Get on the phone and tell your CF of a SIL to book a bloody hotel.

Equanimitas · 15/01/2020 15:16

Why give up your beds? If the other relatives want a free bed for the night, they (or SIL and husband) can be the ones on sofas/camp beds/the floor or whatever. If you make it clear that that is what is going to happen, you may find their enthusiasm for the whole idea disappears.

Frost1nMay · 15/01/2020 15:17

who are the extra guests?

You don't need to be put our of your room, they can have the sofa bed or whatever surely? Don't be a martyr about it!

Likefootball · 15/01/2020 15:18

Just say no. As you both work they should realise it is not always convenient.
They need to book a hotel.

coconuttelegraph · 15/01/2020 15:21

I'm finding it stressful just reading this thread, not because of the CF SIL but because your and DH are coming over as complete pair of wet lettuces, have neither of you a backbone?

SallyWD · 15/01/2020 15:23

If it's just once or twice a year I'd really just suck it up. They're family. My brothers and families will always be welcome in my house even if it's a bit inconvenient. They'd do the same for me. If they're doing this every month or so then I'd make excuses.

Zeusthemoose · 15/01/2020 15:25

Just put boundaries in place. Yes you can stay Fri night till Sun, no sorry there isn't enough room for the two extra guests. Job done

Original poster

Coffeepot72 · 15/01/2020 15:29

If it was entirely up to me, I would have said no. But it’s not entirely up to me.

OP posts:

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