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Original poster

Can I decline this visit from our relatives?

257 replies

Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:03

DH lives some distance from his sister and her husband. We don’t see them particularly often, and were quite pleased when they said they were coming to stay for the weekend in the summer. They originally planned to arrive Friday night, and go home Sunday night. Fair enough, DH and I both work full time, so at least that gave us a few hours after they’d gone home on Sunday, to chill and get ourselves ready for the coming week. In the end they decided to stay til Monday, which wasn’t brilliant as it meant we had guests on our doorstep almost as soon as we got home from work on Friday, a pretty intense weekend (they cost us a small fortune, were monumentally untidy) and were still there when we went back to work on Monday morning. So zero downtime all weekend, which we both struggled with. When they finally left, we were both relieved and prayed they wouldn’t come again for a while …..

Well they now want to come again at the end of this month. Apparently they are visiting some friends somewhere near us, and want somewhere to stay. I don’t know if I can cope with another onslaught again so soon. DH has asked if it’s OK with me, whilst noting he’s not overjoyed at the idea – do I have the grounds to say no? We’re both really busy at work, we need our weekends, and the thought of this just fills me with dread. Or do I agree and then stay out of the way? I don’t want a huge row with DH over this, but I’m fuming.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/01/2020 17:29

I'm also curious as to why it was all so difficult/expensive/stressful last time.

I guess you don't all get on well enough?

anxiousbean · 08/01/2020 17:43

I'm a bit surprised by the description of "these relatives" - it is your husband's sister which to me is a pretty close relationship unless there is some history to it.

I would expect my sister to be able to treat my house a bit like a hotel. And therefore by extension - would expect to accomodate my husband's siblings in the same way. I want our families to be close and I lived with my sister for 20 years, so we are used to sharing space! We also get on well but I realise that not all sibling relationships are like this.

I get the bit about not wanted someone to stay on a Sunday night - so would probably just say you are busy that night/that you struggle without some downtime before the next week. But if you really don't' want house guests - that is ultimately up to you and your husband - and is also OK.

I also don' t really understand why you are angry as I don' t think they have done anything wrong by asking if it is OK to stay and I think people are being a bit unkind with the CF comments. I wonder if the anger comes from a difficulty in being assertive? I think if you struggle with being assertive and feel you have to do something, it can come out a bit aggressively when you try to say no. It is OK to say no if you really don't want them to come and your husband thinks the same, but I would be conscious that the relationship with his sister is probably more important to him that it is to you. Or at least that's how I feel about my in-laws!

Charley50 · 08/01/2020 18:14

We need to know why / how they cost you a fortune, and why they were such nightmare visitors.
Either don't have them to stay or lay down the law this time.

OhDearMe2019 · 08/01/2020 18:18

Yes, what was so intense about their visit to have you so angered and how did they cost you a small fortune? Not clear on what made them nightmare visitors?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2020 22:49

Why can't they stay with these 'friends' they're visiting? You don't think they've already 'worn out their welcome' there, do you?

Does your DH actually want them to stay? Because if he does, I'd say "Oh sure you're very welcome! It's too bad that I'll be out of town that weekend but DH will be here to entertain you!". Then I'd check myself into a naice hotel and order room service 3 x a day.

But seriously, no one is obligated to have anyone stay at their home. If you don't want to host them, simply say "No, I'm sorry but that won't be possible".

Bluerussian · 09/01/2020 00:14

I thought they weren't staying with their friends because friends didn't have the room.

Yes, I too want to know how them making a mess cost a fortune. I don't imagine you had to have a rigorous professional house clean after they left.

Jog22 · 09/01/2020 00:25

That's pretty standard for a visit from family living far away. Do you really dislike them?

Crazycrazylady · 09/01/2020 10:06

What would you say if it was your sister wanting to visit for the odd weekend. I feel really sorry for your DH. I'd be so cross if my partner was making a big deal of hosting my family for the odd weekend especially when you don't see them often .

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/01/2020 11:14

God, why feel sorry for the DH in this scenario? he doesn't particularly want his sister there either - he said he's "not overjoyed" that they've asked to do this and was relieved when they finally left last time.

SandyY2K · 09/01/2020 11:33

My response would be to tell DH they can come, but the provision of meals, prep, hosting will be down to him, after the stress of the last visit and that you probably won't be around much, as you want to chill and not be exhausted for work on Monday.

I'd want to say the above, but in reality, I'd say they can come and simply let DH know I'll be away on a spa weekend when they come.

AnybodyWantAChip · 09/01/2020 11:37

The trouble with guests is that the better the weekend the guests have (no cooking, no housework, no cost), the worse the weekend the hosts have (extra work, cost and mess).

chocorabbit · 09/01/2020 11:45

Because you can't guarantee they won't overstay say that you need Friday and Saturday morning to do shopping so they can come on Saturrday afternoon/evening and they need to go by Sunday eveining/night as you will need to tidy up and get ready because you work on Monday. It still is a compromise.

If there is anything like "but we need to meet Jack and Jill on Saturday morning/Friday night..." say " oh... maybe you could ask to stay there? Oh, wait a minute, it will be a lot more convenient for you too!".

And definitely just basic breakfast and meals.

chocorabbit · 09/01/2020 11:48

Oh and just in case, go out for breakfast/coffee whatever on Saturday morning, have fun, do your shopping so if they decide to rock up early they won't find anyone. And put all your phones on silent or warn DH to say "but we told you, WE WOULD BE BUSY, we have to do the weekly shopping plus other activities, now you will have to wait!"

roisinagusniamh · 14/01/2020 16:32

How did the weekend go OP?

SmileyGiraffe · 14/01/2020 17:01

Considering it was a fortnight before the fuckwits were wanting to stay, i imagine it was pretty quiet.

Sciurus83 · 14/01/2020 17:55

A weekend twice a year?! WOW get a grip, you might want some personal resilience coaching if that's really beyond your means. Being angry because close family have asked to stay for a weekend is some seriously self involved drama queening!

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 15/01/2020 14:04

No real progress to report. DH’s sister isn’t able to confirm exactly which days she wants to stay with us, and has suggested she may bring two other relatives with her. The two other guests could share a room, but that would then mean DH and I giving up our room. So it would mean sofa/camp beds for us. DH isn’t happy about any of this, but he doesn’t feel he can say no. I’m still unimpressed. It’s interesting that the responses on this thread have been 50/50 about whether I’m being unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 15/01/2020 14:12

DH’s sister isn’t able to confirm exactly which days she wants to stay with us, and has suggested she may bring two other relatives with her.
She can jog on.

If your DH cannot put on some big-boy pants and say no to her, you'll have to do it. I'd tell him clearly that these were the options, then if he still can't tell her no himself, follow through on what you've warned him.

BoswellSolver · 15/01/2020 14:19

I'd be planning to stay elsewhere. I bet as soon as your DH knows that the burdens of feeding, socialising, preparing for them falls only to him, he will find his voice and say no!
Be honest and tell him you find the visits stressful, and as such you will remove yourself as it's 'your' issue. But be clear you won't be there, or helping at all.

Brefugee · 15/01/2020 14:20

oh OP. Just say "nope, not convenient"

I totally get you. I plan my weekends carefully and mostly, these days, they involve a lovely nap in the afternoons and just slobbing around doing nothing the rest of the time because I work long hours and have a lot of stress.

Just tell them you can't do it. Why can't your DH say no? at the very least you don't give up your room.

eminencegrise · 15/01/2020 14:22

WTAF? She just assumes your house is an drop in hotel? Just tell her NO. Or if you can't then decamp elsewhere when she brings everyone over and let your h deal with them. It's cheeky AF to expect a host to give up their bed.

billy1966 · 15/01/2020 14:25

OP,

You gone from a couple of hours to a complete and utter house occupation!

If it goes ahead, could you leave your husband to it.

Be careful, it seems like what you want doesn't feature much.

They are CF's to want to take over your home to visit someone's else.

An Airbnb in the area is the obvious solution but imposing on you seems to suit them better.

Big mistake to let your husband think you are a roll over in these types of situations.

I don't impose on people, I never have.
Conversely, I won't be imposed upon. By ANYONE.

BiddyPop · 15/01/2020 14:25

Eh, no, DH and you don’t give up your bed for relatives that YOU (combined) have not invited. That’s serious CF territory.

Tell (d)SIL that she needs to ASK you for the days she wants to stay, that you will then tell her if it is or is not convenient. And that you do not have capacity for extra visitors as you are both working and need proper rest in your own beds at the weekend.

CakeandCustard28 · 15/01/2020 14:26

Just tell her no there’s not enough space. They’ll have to stay in a hotel or B and B.

NearlyGranny · 15/01/2020 14:26

We said yes to two friends over Christmas a few years back and after the yes was said, the party steadily increased to six, at which point two of our three adult DC decided not to come home for Christmas themselves, so as to make room. 😥