Can I decline this visit from our relatives?

[Coffeepot72]

DH lives some distance from his sister and her husband. We don’t see them particularly often, and were quite pleased when they said they were coming to stay for the weekend in the summer. They originally planned to arrive Friday night, and go home Sunday night. Fair enough, DH and I both work full time, so at least that gave us a few hours after they’d gone home on Sunday, to chill and get ourselves ready for the coming week. In the end they decided to stay til Monday, which wasn’t brilliant as it meant we had guests on our doorstep almost as soon as we got home from work on Friday, a pretty intense weekend (they cost us a small fortune, were monumentally untidy) and were still there when we went back to work on Monday morning. So zero downtime all weekend, which we both struggled with. When they finally left, we were both relieved and prayed they wouldn’t come again for a while …..

Well they now want to come again at the end of this month. Apparently they are visiting some friends somewhere near us, and want somewhere to stay. I don’t know if I can cope with another onslaught again so soon. DH has asked if it’s OK with me, whilst noting he’s not overjoyed at the idea – do I have the grounds to say no? We’re both really busy at work, we need our weekends, and the thought of this just fills me with dread. Or do I agree and then stay out of the way? I don’t want a huge row with DH over this, but I’m fuming.

Op do you have friends, do you socialise, do you have people to stay ever?

I'm wondering if this is a social anxiety issue?

Ah huh. . .

Do they reciprocate if you're in their neck of the woods - or is it just not convenient? Or do you know better than to ask?!

In that case just say no!
It is rude of them to ask and use you as a free hotel!
I would personally say that you have plans that weekend, friends staying or something.

We initially heard from them last week, when they said they were in the area visiting, and would we be able to meet up for a few hours

Call me cynical, but it sounds to me like they were checking whether you were free all weekend so that they could then ask for accommodation without you being able to invent an excuse.

And YANBU, I would feel similarly with particular family members.

* "we need accommodation from Friday to Monday.*"

It's your DH's sister, what's to stop him saying cheerily "No fear! You lot are nightmare houseguests! Anyway you aren't coming to see us. Stay with your friends or in a hotel, and we'd love to meet up for a meal if you're free."

I think you have to spell it out to them. Nothing will change otherwise.

They are welcome to come and stay the Friday but Saturday afternoon you and DH have plans and will be busy the rest of the weekend so it's not really convenient on this occasion. Sorry.
Or, you've just remembered, your dear friend from Oz has asked to stay that weekend.
You could meet for a meal on the friday- but he/she is arriving Saturday. Sorry.

Just say you're not available.

I had a friend some years back who loved to have people come up for the weekend but by Sunday lunchtime she'd had enough of you and boy did it show! So whenever we went to stay, we knew we'd be leaving around lunchtime on Sunday - she needed to recharge after that and her social interactions went rapidly downhill if you overstayed.

In your position, OP, I would get your DH to tell his sister that you could put them up Friday night but that's IT, after that they can find alternative accommodation because you are Busy that weekend and cannot have them. But only if you want to - you absolutely do not have to, fuck all this "But she's faaaaammmly" bollocks, seems she only remembers that your DH is her brother when she needs somewhere free to stay!

I agree with the posters saying that your needs are as important as the freeloading leeches.

How about a compromise - they can stay one night but unfortunately longer is impossible? If necessary, make up some long-planned activity (or, better still, major redecoration job or something) which means they can't stay over the following day.

If your H really doesn't fancy having them again, then just go back to them and say that you're not able to host them this time, but that you will be able to juggle things about a bit to meet them somewhere if they have time.

Or the other option is to say that you have a lot going on in the weeks before and after and that you will need some down time so they can come and stay for a night for a visit, but that you can't have them for the whole weekend - suggest saturday so that it gives you decompression time on Friday perhaps.

This is your DH's family and you say you are angry?

Are you always this difficult?

It sounds like they're not thoughtful, appreciative guests. You anticipate it won't go well. There's no reason to think they'll be better behaved than last time. Your husband isn't keen. Just pull the sticking plaster and say no!

I sure that if they were better guests you'd be happy to have them.

Why are they always staying till Monday? Just no. 'Sorry, we won't be able to host you that weekend, we have other plans.' They're not even coming to see you. Your house is not a fucking Air B&B. They can stay with their friends. And the 'we need'. Yeah, go tell it to Premier Inn, I'm not running a hotel.

So make some clear boundaries with day and times convenient for you and DH. If they can’t do that day, tough. They are the ones asking the favour, they don’t get to change the arrangement from a few hours to a whole weekend. It’s the few hours or nothing, their time is not more important than yours. Frankly it might be better if you met them for lunch at a pub or restaurant one day and spent the few hours there catching up, away from your home and in public where they are likely to behave better and you can disappear when you want. I read intense as bullying you into doing stuff that they want whether you like and enjoy it or not, that is expensive, and they make you feel poor hosts if you don’t go along with it.

How long does your DH want them to stay for?

I don't think it is unreasonable to not have them stay Sunday night so you both have time to recharge.

Nope. If you invite them to stay one night they will just end up making excuses and be with you all weekend anyway. Just tell them you have plans or remove your extra beds so that no one can stay. Perfect.

Why are people being nasty to OP without even knowing all the facts? She says they cost her a fortune, maybe they expected to eat out? Maybe they wanted takeaways all the time and lots of wine?

Guests should fall in with their hosts habits, not cost them a fortune! Isn’t the minimum that the guests take the hosts out to eat to thank them for hosting?

I think anger is a bit of a strange reaction to this. Annoyance and dread I understand from your description of how the weekend last summer made you feel, but why anger? They are family which tends to be a relationship you can all rely on a bit more than most. Even if they don't normally stay in touch a request to stay doesn't seem monumentally unreasonable.

You can say no, I think it would be a little unfair on your DH if he actually wants to say yes (sounds like he's a bit conflicted too). And it is an opportunity to strengthen the bond with his sister - this is part (but only part) of how relationships are maintained - being there when someone asks.

How about putting boundaries in place that will give you the downtime you need instead? They're there to see other people so the weekend shouldn't be as intense as last time anyway but you could also tell them you can accommodate Friday and Saturday but you need them gone by 2 pm on Sunday (or whatever) as you have an intense week at work to prepare for.

OMG some people on here are so OTT about your reaction OP. Saying you must suffer from social anxiety I completely get you OP - they sound like a bloody nightmare. Those posters saying "but it's faaamily" obviously live in the Waltons or something. Many families can be a nightmare and not everyone is bosom buddies with their sister-in-law🙄. I completely get the feeling of needing downtime after houseguests - especially ones as bad as them!!

Either say you're busy the whole weekend, or pick one evening and offer them one night only. And don't feel bad about it!

Nope, I would tell them sorry but they will have to stay with their friends or get a b&b . I wouldn't have it myself especially as it's not you or your DH asking them to visit. If they dont like it then tough...it's not like you have to see them regularly and be around them. Sounds like you will be used as free accommodation

Say NO.
In the same way the request to spend a couple of hours turned into can we spend a few nights, what happens if their friends quit on them or they fancy staying in one or two evenings? What happens if you say ok, ONE night only and they say coul£not get a hotel room and there you are Monday morning wading through their dishes etc.

Just NO.

your SIL sounds just like my SIL. We were treated like a free hotel over the years, the expectation that they’d just stay here was astounding. It’d cost us a bomb in food & alcohol, they’d make a mess and go off somewhere in the daytimes after I’d provided a cooked breakfast, come back to use the showers and be fed & entertained. Also never reciprocate. One day it dawned that I don’t even get a text on my birthday, only contact when wants free board and lodging. And she’s quite sharp tongued, nothing like DH and not a fun house guest. Family can be the CFers of all.

I’d say no, starting now. Doesn’t need to be rude, you have other plans (sitting about in pyjamas drinking ). Invite them for dinner or to meet up somewhere in the daytime then you can go home separately. Best thing I ever did when I put my foot down. DH still grumbles but he’s not prepared to clean bathrooms, launder beds, shop and cook for them so 🤷‍♀️.

I’d love him to send @Myimaginarycathasfleas message “No fear! You lot are nightmare houseguests! Anyway you aren't coming to see us. Stay with your friends or in a hotel, and we'd love to meet up for a meal if you're free." but he’s a wimp.

I'm also wondering why six-monthly visits is "so soon". However, it sounds like their previous visit caused you a lot of work and stress (and cost) so I can see that you wouldn't be keen to do it again.

If your DH really wants to host them then he has to agree to do all the work involved e.g. shopping, cleaning, making the beds and afterwards laundry of the linen, clearing up after them if they are messy - everything.

If he's not keen on that idea then you jointly reply something like "I'm afraid we can't host you that weekend but, as previously discussed, we would be able to meet up somewhere local for a couple of hours on [insert your day of preference] as we'd love to see you while you're in the area."

Don't give reasons why you can't host, just state that you can't. If they ask why, say it's just impossible at the moment.

Are you always this difficult?

I would be if I had an H who expected me to do all the work to host his guests. Or if I had family who just treated our home as a hotel - we need accommodation . . . Fuck that. Some people have utter CFers as family.

If you invite them to stay one night they will just end up making excuses and be with you all weekend anyway

Easy enough to make your own excuses to prevent that, though, if you've made your position absolutely clear beforehand.