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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I decline this visit from our relatives?

257 replies

Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:03

DH lives some distance from his sister and her husband. We don’t see them particularly often, and were quite pleased when they said they were coming to stay for the weekend in the summer. They originally planned to arrive Friday night, and go home Sunday night. Fair enough, DH and I both work full time, so at least that gave us a few hours after they’d gone home on Sunday, to chill and get ourselves ready for the coming week. In the end they decided to stay til Monday, which wasn’t brilliant as it meant we had guests on our doorstep almost as soon as we got home from work on Friday, a pretty intense weekend (they cost us a small fortune, were monumentally untidy) and were still there when we went back to work on Monday morning. So zero downtime all weekend, which we both struggled with. When they finally left, we were both relieved and prayed they wouldn’t come again for a while …..

Well they now want to come again at the end of this month. Apparently they are visiting some friends somewhere near us, and want somewhere to stay. I don’t know if I can cope with another onslaught again so soon. DH has asked if it’s OK with me, whilst noting he’s not overjoyed at the idea – do I have the grounds to say no? We’re both really busy at work, we need our weekends, and the thought of this just fills me with dread. Or do I agree and then stay out of the way? I don’t want a huge row with DH over this, but I’m fuming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:47

If we visit family, we stay in a nearby hotel - we've always done this. It avoids causing too much hassle to the people we're visiting, and also gives us some privacy too.

OP posts:
saraclara · 08/01/2020 14:48

It's your DH's SISTER!

Come on, seeing her for a weekend twice a year is hardly excessive. If they're visiting other friends they're not going to be on top of you for the whole time. And if you need downtime before work, simply say that they're welcome, but as you have work to do, you can only host them until Sunday lunchtime.

AndAnotherNameChanger · 08/01/2020 14:50

I actually think this sounds like a good option for you. Your dh gets to see his sis without it taking over your whole weekend. They'll be seeing their friends for part of it, so it gives you the downtime you didn't have last time. Tell them they can only stay until Sunday, or can only arrive Saturday. Then you get (ish) one day with them and one where they're seeing their friends and just using your place as somewhere to crash.

Then next time they want to come and see you for a whole weekend you won't have to feel bad about saying no as you'll have seen them now.

saraclara · 08/01/2020 14:51

Cross post.It seems you just have an entirely different approach to family.
I'm fairly introverted and not mad on having guests. But immediate family? Mi casa es tu casa, surely?

hellsbellsmelons · 08/01/2020 14:51

Just say no.
Or tell them that they can stay the Saturday and you are off out on Sunday so they need be gone by lunchtime!

Purpleartichoke · 08/01/2020 14:51

I was dreading my sister’s last visit until she decided to switch to a hotel. We had a fabulous visit that way. We always stay at a hotel when we visit them. It’s just so much easier and relaxed.

Drabarni · 08/01/2020 14:51

I don't see the problem tbh. They're family, just say when you'd like them to go.
Why spend part of your weekend preparing for work, I bet they don't pay you for this time.
Family are important.

Bluerussian · 08/01/2020 14:52

If sister in law and family stayed for a weekend at yours last summer, that's quite a while ago. I've just re read your opening post and think that is what you meant, please clarify if I am wrong.

They say they are seeing other people, presumably the others don't have a spare room or they'd stay there. If they spend a night at yours and are out the rest of the time, surely that's OK being as you don't see them often. Find out exactly how long they want to stay at your place and put conditions on it, ie you can only accommodate them for one night or something like that but be nice about it. They are family and you seem to like them even if they are untidy (how does untidiness cost you a fortune?). Yes, Friday to Monday was a bit much but that's over now, you've had time to recover and will be a bit more careful in extending the hand of hospitality again.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 08/01/2020 14:53

I'd be sad if my family, or DH, were visiting nearby and didn't ask to stay with us. Seriously - it's one weekend.

Josette77 · 08/01/2020 14:53

I'm an introvert but would suck it up for family. It's only a weekend.

dreichjan · 08/01/2020 14:54

A family weekend every six months seems something fairly normal.
What would annoy me is being used as a B&B to visit other people. I've experienced this a fair bit and it grates.
That said I wouldn't say anything to a close family member about a short infrequent visit.

Bluerussian · 08/01/2020 14:54

sister in law and husband, not 'family'; you haven't mentioned that they have children so I assume they don't.

Original poster
Coffeepot72 · 08/01/2020 14:56

No, they don't have any children

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 08/01/2020 14:56

@DragonUdders because my family live a distance away and I like them.

unlikelytobe · 08/01/2020 14:56

Exactly how much time are they planning to spend with you/DH and how much visiting their friends? Why can't they stay with the friends anyway?

Visits twice a year aren't too much usually but you and your DH have to set parameters e.g don't arrive too early and be gone by Sun late afternoon. They don't get to tell you how long they can stay. Don't they work? Why are they staying until Monday? If you roll over now it will set a precedent for the future.

MaryShelley1818 · 08/01/2020 14:56

You sound unbelievably dramatic and hard work. You can't cope with the week ahead if you spend a full weekend with people 1-2times a year?
Just enjoy the visit and have a lazy weekend the week after to compensate. What do you do for a living that you need entire free days to "prepare" for the week ahead?

FamBae · 08/01/2020 14:57

Could you maybe just invite them for the Friday and Saturday night and gently explain that you really need Sunday to recharge or fib and say you have plans of your own for Sunday, get DH to take you out for a secret Sunday Lunch (you will have earned it) so that you can usher them out of the house, even the most crass of house guests wouldn't expect to hang around if you were both going out ... would they!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 08/01/2020 14:58

I think I would be honest. They aren't suggesting visiting you, they want a base to visit someone else. Tell them you can't accommodate them for the whole weekend but you can offer them Friday night if that's any help? However you both need your down time for the rest of the weekend so would need them to leave Saturday lunchtime.

ConcentricCircles · 08/01/2020 14:58

Apparently they are visiting some friends somewhere near us, and want somewhere to stay
As they're not actually coming to see YOU, i'd suggest they stay with their friends? or maybe cough up for a hotel?
Your home is not an airbnb

^^This

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 08/01/2020 14:59

And that would be by Saturday lunchtime, or you'll have them lingering for a meal till mid afternoon.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/01/2020 15:00

As they're not actually coming to see YOU, i'd suggest they stay with their friends? or maybe cough up for a hotel?
Your home is not an airbnb!

The above.

It's bloody cheeky wanting to stay (free) with you so that they can socialise with someone else.

You said they cost you a small fortune last time. Does that mean they didn't put their hands in their pockets the whole weekend? And they were messy?

Bugger that!

Raindancer411 · 08/01/2020 15:00

You are well within your rights to say no. They just want to save money rather than pay out for a hotel. They are seeing other friends and not you, so why can't they stay with them!!

eddielizzard · 08/01/2020 15:01

How about a compromise and say they're welcome to stay on Saturday night? Don't give a reason as to why not Friday and Sunday. Sounds like they had a lovely time last time and are completely oblivious that you found it difficult. They will also be visiting friends so won't be with you the whole 2 days. Arrange to meet a friend on the Sunday and be out of the house most of the time, so that your DH can spend time with his sister. Grin

DarlingNikita · 08/01/2020 15:02

Sounds like your DH is at least partly on board, so it shouldn't be too difficult, should it?

'We can't have you this time, sorry, but let's go for dinner while you're in the area. Saturday night? We could go to [insert nice nearby place]?'
Just to show willing!

MaggieFS · 08/01/2020 15:04

I'd be tempted to say they can't stay the whole trip, e.g. you have plans Friday night and need Sunday night clear to catch up on work, but they can stay Saturday night, or if they're really that bad, just say tha weekend doesn't work.

Must admit, it does sound a bit cheeky if they are coming to see other people!