Can I decline this visit from our relatives?

[Coffeepot72]

DH lives some distance from his sister and her husband. We don’t see them particularly often, and were quite pleased when they said they were coming to stay for the weekend in the summer. They originally planned to arrive Friday night, and go home Sunday night. Fair enough, DH and I both work full time, so at least that gave us a few hours after they’d gone home on Sunday, to chill and get ourselves ready for the coming week. In the end they decided to stay til Monday, which wasn’t brilliant as it meant we had guests on our doorstep almost as soon as we got home from work on Friday, a pretty intense weekend (they cost us a small fortune, were monumentally untidy) and were still there when we went back to work on Monday morning. So zero downtime all weekend, which we both struggled with. When they finally left, we were both relieved and prayed they wouldn’t come again for a while …..

Well they now want to come again at the end of this month. Apparently they are visiting some friends somewhere near us, and want somewhere to stay. I don’t know if I can cope with another onslaught again so soon. DH has asked if it’s OK with me, whilst noting he’s not overjoyed at the idea – do I have the grounds to say no? We’re both really busy at work, we need our weekends, and the thought of this just fills me with dread. Or do I agree and then stay out of the way? I don’t want a huge row with DH over this, but I’m fuming.

Agree with above poster.
Say you have plans on Sunday (it's not a lie...plans to do what you usually do on a Sunday)
I would be angry too because they do sound a bit cheeky!

What did they do that has left you so traumatised ?

Also this is a good role modelling behaviour for girls, who are often taught that their comfort and desires are less than others' desires and you're being "unkind" if you prioritize yourself.

Nothing to do with being female. My DH would never tell me my brother wasn't allowed stay either......especially if it's only twice a bloody year

I think you and DH should form a plan together and back each other up to his DSIS and her DH. You could say that you are busy for most of the weekend, but could see them for an afternoon or evening on x day. Sorry you cannot have them to stay overnight. Say you are surprised they are not staying with their friends they wish to visit. If they say the friends’ flat is too small or another excuse, just answer well that’s a shame but we can’t have you to stay here, as I’ve mentioned we are busy. If SIL continues to push it, you put your cards on the table and tell her that she and her DH cost you a lot in time and money, and it took ages to clear up all the mess they left, so why would you want to repeat the experience as they were clearly taking advantage.

Have SIL and BIL hosted you and DH to the same standard ever at their home? How are they intense, is it trying to make you do lots of things you don’t like or want to do?

What’s the betting their friends have said they can’t stay after the same has been done to them, regarding mess and being expected to spend loads?

Why did the weekend they stayed cost you a fortune?

And if DH is feeling unenthused about a repeat performance, why are you concerned that you & DH might fall out about it?

Say no it doesn't suit, but you'd be delighted to meet up for a meal on friday/saturday night if they are free.

I'd be sad if my SIL and husband visited friends in the area and DIDN'T stay with me. And I'm pretty anti-social.

Family connections are important. You might not feel that way, but I don't see it as CFery on their part if your SIL does enjoy her brother's company (and even yours). It's just what (most) families/siblings do.

Why not compromise and say you can host them one night only. If they push, say you have other friends also visiting that weekend who may stay over.

I feel like it's a tad cheeky that they're coming to see friends, but wanting to stay with you!

I'd have said you were been unreasonable if they were coming to visit you, I'd say suck it up as it's twice a year....but I feel like it's a tad cheeky of them that they're coming to see friends, but wanting to stay with you! I'm assuming it'll be free board for the weekend?

Just politely say you've got plans if you don't want to

You are preaching to the choir here!
We have DH’s family to stay quite often for entire weekends. I also really struggle with house guests and not having down time for a whole weekend.
I don’t feel able to say no (and I don’t want to say no) as DH loves seeing his parents and they come to specifically see us rather than visit the city.
In your case though, they’re not coming to see you but to use it as a glorified B&B. Just say no.

MN is weird sometimes, the hatred of house guests on here is 2nd only to strangers knocking on the door, loo brushes and cockerpoos

Seriously, everyone I know stays with local family if they are visiting the area/city they live, even if not specifically to see them, and in my family it would be considered insulting to book a hotel/B&B rather than use someone's spare room or even to sleep on their sofa! Definitely not CF territory...

I am a pretty big introvert so I do get that you need some alone/down time at the weekend but it is your SIL asking, not some randomer, and it's only twice a year not every week.

Agree with the best compromise being to fake plans on the Friday night meaning they can only stay Saturday, if they are seeing friends all day Saturday you then really only have to 'host' Sunday and how much mess/expense can they cause this time? If they want takeaway or to go out to eat or something just ask to split the bill or say 'we treated you last time so this one's on you or similar'?

Or just turn up at their house and eat them out of house and home for a week to even things up next time

How did it happen that they "cost you a fortune" last time?

Reading between the lines, they sound like my BIL and his family.
We got fed up with being used as free hotel and restaurant facilities and tbh, they are actually not pleasant guests.

We started saying 'sorry, we're not around then' or 'no, we've got a lot on'.

I think it works best with these type of people to be vague rather than give a specific reason as they are often masters at coming back with a counter request.

It gets easier the more you do it!

I think you have to put your own health and well- being first. It wouldn’t bother some people but it does bother you. It will stress you the week before they come and you will feel resentful. I would be ‘honest’ and say sorry, you’re under massive pressure at work and need some clear head space at the weekends at the moment. You could add that you’d love to see them later in the year when things have settled a bit. Guests sometimes just don’t think about the impact their visits can have and I think it needs gently and tactfully pointing out to them .

Could you say you'd be delighted to see them if they arrive during the day on Saturday and leave after lunch on Sunday. That way you get Friday evening and Sunday afternoon to chill out. I can understand why you don't want anytime to yourselves at all.

I think the people on here saying you're being dramatic are being unfair. Just because others might not have an issue with it, or will always stay with family if they're in the area, there are also a lot of others who really wouldn't. Doesn't make one right and the other wrong, just different.
Personally, the thought of having people staying until Monday would fill me with dread and I just couldn't/wouldn't do it. I would need the Sunday to get everything back to normal in the house after the visit plus recharge before work on the Monday. We do this whether it's us visiting others, or people coming to us. We always make sure we have at the Sunday afternoon onwards for just us.
Plus, simply using your house as a base to visit others is pretty cheeky IMO.
I think the best compromise would be to say you could accommodate them on the Saturday night but not the Friday or Sunday. In my opinion, you're not BU at all to refuse them whether it's for some or all of the days.

Hmmmm come on they’re not just unwanted guests they’re also family

Would u say sake if it were your brother and his wife ?

I'm with the OP on this- I love to entertain but I want anyone- now matter how much I love them - out of my home after breakfast on Sunday. We need that Sunday afternoon to prep for work etc on Monday and some quiet downtime.

Well the way you feel is the way you feel - you don;t want visitors, your home is your retreat etc. That's totally fine and absolutely yourr ight to feel that way.
But also understand that to may people this would be no big deal at all - SIL and BIL for a weekend twice a year - I would barely notice that, but I like visitors. This may well be where they are coming from - they don't feel as if it is a big ask at all. You don't - again that's fine.

Whayt is strange is you getting so angry about it. I don;t see they have done anything to make you angry - they've made what to a lot of people would be a perfectly reasonable request (I've had people staying because they were visiting other friends or going to event - doesn;t bother me, I'm happy to help out. Nothing to do with being a doormat unless you are doing it against your wishes). They haven't done anything worng they've made a request that you would prefer to decline - so decline it.

No need to lie unless you feel you are being unreasonable just say 'We aren't really up for weekend guest we're both so shattered form work we need a peaceful weekend to recover and recharge'. People only lie when they are being defensive because they think their behaviour is unreasonable - your isn't particularly neither is thiers, It's just different approaches to life.

All this fuming and anger - how is that helping anything at all except making you silently combust and feel upset?

I've had a few hours to calm down. My initial anger was because earlier in the week they'd been in touch to see if they could visit for a few hours as they are in the area, and now suddenly it's changed to "we need accommodation from Friday to Monday." If there's a chance to compromise, we could maybe have them overnight for one night? But I'm not having my entire weekend stuffed because they need a hotel.

Absolutely say no. If this is hard, then tell them you'll be visiting/hosting friends that weekend.

You don’t even need to entertain. Just spend Friday evening with them and schedule to spend Sunday morning with them and let them know you will be busy Saturday/Sunday afternoon and just say you’d pleasant goodbyes when needed.

You can do it for your DH as that’s his sister and I don’t think you can be expected to spend hour whole weekend entertaining but it’s also not such a big deal. Just tell them you will be spending Sunday afternoon preparing for the week ahead so on.

“Dear sil, we would love to have you but unfortunately as it’s a busy time of the year I can’t promise to spend the whole time with you guys as I have work to catch up with, however it would be lovely to have some meals together and so some catching up while you get on with your busy plans too. “

Just as a matter of interest, do you hear from these relatives when they don't want something?

I ask, because we have relatives that no one hears hide nor hair from, as they're just far too busy. Right up until they want something.

Unfortunately for them, everyone else has now well and truly got their number, and they are finding people somewhat less than forthcoming with offers of hospitality.

Gosh you sound really precious. Fuming, so angry, hideous. It's all a bit Greta Garbo and I want to be alone.

Personally I'd have them over. Once every six months is hardly often. You're acting like they invade weekly.

No, we never hear from these relatives normally - only if they need accommodation by the sounds of it!

How come they cost you tidy furtive OP? Are they tight guys who never put their hands in their pockets? You didn’t pay for meals out did you?