Acquaintance (not even a friend) expecting people to cater at her event

[Hellokitty82]

What do people think about this

So a Mum at school (not even a close friend a Mum of my child's classmate) has set up a group and invited a load of us to "her 40th birthday party"

She's hired a village hall 15 miles from our village (as she said it's a lovely hall)

There will be a disco (her brother in law is a DJ) and a mobile Bar

All ok so far except for driving 15 miles!!

Then she's put on Facebook a list of party food and asked people what they will be bringing???? Wtf

I've NEVER gone to a party and been asked to cater for it and when it's been any of our party's I always fully cater myself.

She's not exactly skint either - her and her partner/husband have a big house, 2 nice cars and a holiday house so my first impression is she is taking the piss

Lots of talk at the school gates people saying it's out of order and they're not going I'm inclined to do the same - I barely know the woman (only to say hello too)

What do people think?

Even when I go to events, I don't eat at them, and I wouldn't be able to deal with my mysophobia in a situation where the food was prepared in God only knows what circumstances and people were eating it around me. I realise that some people have these parties and that many people do attend, but thankfully my friends haven't been involved in this trend.

You would not be unreasonable to decline the invitation for whatever reason, but just because its not for you, doesn't make it wrong or weird.

If I got an invitation like this, I would be really pleased to be invited to someone's party. That is all! I can't understand all the negative responses. To me, pot luck is fine - it means everyone's catered for and there's no pressure to take a present. 15 miles would be fine for me too - it's nice to get out and about a bit.

If it doesn't suit you, you can just decline politely. But in all seriousness, she's chosen to celebrate her special day with you and I'd see that as a nice thing.

It's an open invitation as she probably thinks your friends will be there, it's not all about her, and she does not want to exclude you. She sounds friendly and relaxed, I don't understand all your anxiety.

She's not exactly skint either - her and her partner/husband have a big house, 2 nice cars and a holiday house

And now you know why!

Ime, pot luck are only done within certain circles. So within my family is fine, within my close friends its fine (as long as its done with a "We havent had a good knees up in ages, we can do it at mine if we all bring-our-own" suggestion) but a random invite from people I have met but wouldnt consider friends, who are basically after a free party, not ok.

So its not necessarily a case of pot luck being bad ettiquette but that assuming everyone on the invite list will provide a dish being bad ettiquette, regardless of your relationship with each invitee.

It is a bit disheartening to see how ready people are to pull apart a nice gesture because it's not in a location or a format that suits you. No obligation to go of course, but it's just a party invitation, not a shit on your doorstep.

In my experience, people who tell guests to bring their own food and/or booze also expect a present.

I do think it's quite cheeky to ask people to bring things to a party; if I decide to host something then I expect to fully cater for guests attending.

And I would always take something to a party, usually alcohol related, but I would never presume to take food on the basis that I wouldnt want the embarrassment of my Waldorf Salad (say, I've never actually made it!) plonked at the edge of an Asian hot buffet :o

I’ve never heard the term ‘pot luck parties’ but I’ve unknowingly taken part, and it’s a good idea between maybe family or friends (not acquaintances).
Just take some of those mini pre cooked buffet sausages and a bag of Pom Bears - job done.

It is called a potluck here in the US and is quite common. We were invited to a hannukah party - there would be lots of latkes and other stuff but we were invited to bring a dish.

I don't think I'd travel 15 miles for a school mum's party even if it was catered. But I don't think she is cheeky

I think it's fine if she has been upfront about it. More than fine, really, as a lot of people will be wanting to show off, in a nice way, their favourite and best recipes. Think of all the great new stuff you'll get to taste, especially if it's a culturally mixed community.

On the other hand, if she has let people accept invites and only then told them they need to cater, that's not so fine as she may be asking them to give time and effort they just haven't got spare. And money if she's expecting a present as well.

It's not unknown to have a pot-luck, so I don't think she's that unreasonable to do that. It wouldn't be reasonable for her to demand that everyone drive 15 miles to get to her party; but she hasn't imposed a three-line whip - you can just say no.

Thanks for the responses

It's not pot luck - I just think it's demanding and quite rude really, she's not family or a close friend and I agree with people, definitely bad etiquette I reckon plus she's listing specific expensive things like

"Gluten free canapés"
"vegan cupcakes"
"Poached salmon"
"Couscous with roasted vegetables"
"Greek salad with feta"
The list goes on..................

Wtf

Where's quiche, sausages, crisps etc...

Then I scrolled down she writes "disposable crockery will be provided" bloody hell knock yourself out love but I missed the best bit

"No presents but your presence however we are going to France in the summer so if you wanted to give a little gift some euros would be appreciated" 😱😱😱

That's done it for me

Just checked Facebook and 23 people of the 80 have declined I was 24 with "sorry we already have plans that night but hope you have a great party"! Only 4 have said yes we'll be there and from the surname they're family and probably feel obliged or live in the village 15 bloody miles away

Total CF I agree

Yep, free party seeker, with the kicker that they will probably also make a net profit on booze and euros!

Please dont leave the group, I want to know how many will have declined by this time next week or the group is deleted, whichever comes sooner :o

Anyone else going to be on the look out for the inevitable "CF SIL does it again but we can't not go...." thread?!

@donquixotedelamancha

Absolutely right - a proper 'Jacobs Join' tut!

I'm really surprised people think 15 miles is a long way to travel/a big ask/cheeky/the last straw etc.

Pot luck is fine, even organising it so people choose whether to bring a desert or whatever is fine. Specifying dishes with expensive ingredients PLUS euros for her holiday is a bit much though 😂

It’s potluck, pretty common here (Canada). If you think it’s going to be a fun night it wouldn’t bother me. I’m sure you can split a taxi / Uber with some others who are going! If you find it so unacceptable don’t go.

Not the euro contribution though!

Couscous and vegetables doesn,t have to be expensive. They don,t neceserily want gifts, but giving a suggestion that those who want to give. yabu just decline .

I agree, june2007. The suggestions are helpful in these situations and it doesn't have to be expensive at all. It sounds to me that you don't like her - perhaps that's the issue here?

Pot luck is fine between family or good friends. But not so much acquaintances.
Also fine if at someone's home, less so if travelling to a rented venue.
Fine if contributions are flexible and cheap, not so fine is fancy, expensive and over-controlled.

The party giver has failed on all three counts.

Wait I just read the update.... that’s very cheeky.

Pissing myself laughing at the vegan cupcakes!
LOL. Provide the food and while you're there, give us some cash for our holiday in France!
Legendary CFery.

Somehow I guessed the list of food required would be entertaining.

You could all have gone & taken the wrong sort of food. "Pom Bear, anyone?"

Ahh the update, hmm well that changes things as it was meant to
The worst part of this is the nasty school bitchy gossips.

Btw, Greek salad is v easy to make any doesn't cost much.
awaits update where the ingredients must be collected from Athens

I find it odd that people find it odd! I thought I'd heard it all on MN but obviously not. Even with the food requests it still just basically a pot luck party!? We've often been invited to similar things - BBQ's in the summer or evening gatherings, people bring a dish & everyone always has a great time. We also often end up at big fancy catered parties or at 'just drinks' parties, fully paid bar parties, paying bar parties, BYOB parties, parties that run out of booze so you have to pop to the shop parties..it doesn't bother me if I'm surrounded by people who make me happy & I''m having fun.

I feel very sorry for the woman mentioned in the OP, her inviting you was kind OP, yet your response and your AIBU really aren't very kind at all.

She is presumably trying to be friendly and inclusive to the other parents in her child's class (in direct contrast to the millions of threads on here endlessly moaning about people 'not being friendly' at the school gates and how cliquey school parents are etc etc..) and there she is getting slated! I would also assume that the euros request, which is a bit crass to be fair, was directed only at the guests who actively wanted to bring gifts, which she has conveyed with the presence/presents message, if a bit clumsily?

If someone sent me one of the disdainful/rude replies above in response to a party invite (especially 'LMAO haha', regardless of the context!) or I discovered they had been blathering behind my back at the school gates about it being "out of order" I'd think 'oh well, I tried, but fuck you then, last time you get included or invited' and move on & wouldn't bother being so nice next time..a zero tolerance policy for gossips and bitches has worked remarkably well for me over the years, village or not!

Good to see your reply was at least polite though OP - can't imagine you and her have a great future as friends so probably for the best!