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Original poster

Acquaintance (not even a friend) expecting people to cater at her event

320 replies

Hellokitty82 · 07/01/2020 22:47

What do people think about this

So a Mum at school (not even a close friend a Mum of my child's classmate) has set up a group and invited a load of us to "her 40th birthday party"

She's hired a village hall 15 miles from our village (as she said it's a lovely hall)

There will be a disco (her brother in law is a DJ) and a mobile Bar

All ok so far except for driving 15 miles!!

Then she's put on Facebook a list of party food and asked people what they will be bringing???? Wtf

I've NEVER gone to a party and been asked to cater for it and when it's been any of our party's I always fully cater myself.

She's not exactly skint either - her and her partner/husband have a big house, 2 nice cars and a holiday house so my first impression is she is taking the piss

Lots of talk at the school gates people saying it's out of order and they're not going I'm inclined to do the same - I barely know the woman (only to say hello too)

What do people think?

OP posts:
MopsRUs · 08/01/2020 13:54

She should have said on the invitation that bringing food would be expected. It's not good manners to invite people and then tell them. However bitching behind her back at the school gate is worse. Maybe she just didn't realise she had broken this unwritten rule.

Sagradafamiliar · 08/01/2020 14:01

So it's a BYO party. Big deal. Nothing for you to worry about since you aren't going. She put out a group invite- doesn't mean you all have to go.

PestyMachtubernahme · 08/01/2020 14:02

If there are 100 people and each family bring a small/medium casserole or a plate of salad you won't get fed well.
Yep, hence the birthday girl will probably be doing about a third of the catering herself.

HelloKitty don't look upon it as being demanded to cater for someone else's party. Look upon it as a way to make new friends for the low price of a plate of food.
If you want to take crisps, sausages, quiche or sausage roll, then do.

Twenty years ago when I lived in a very naice part of west London, this type of party was very popular (even with people who owned rather grand riverside houses).

Inherdefence · 08/01/2020 14:06

As I said upthread this sort of party is normal within my wider circle of friends. Apart from about 4 of us who like to cater for a crowd, most people who host throw this sort of ‘bring a dish ‘ do. People who can cook bring a casserole or dessert. Those who can’t or are too busy might bring salad or nibbles or a cheese board. Over the years you get to know who is good at what and people will often be asked to bring their ‘signature dish’.

The main drawback of these parties IME is too much food. If someone is asked to bring a casserole or a side of salmon, they will bring something that serves 8 or 12 or more. Equally if someone brings cheese, they will bring 3 or 4 large pieces. So if every couple in a party of 60 guests brings enough food for 8/10 people you end up with far too much food. A case in point is a girls night a mate hosted at the beginning of December. One friend bought a cheese board which barely got touched as everyone had eaten so much much of the main courses. It got packaged up and bought to a Strictly Come Dancing final party the following week. The host had actually got caterers in for that so the cheese was once again barely touched. It reappeared the next day at a church lunch and at that point the donor gave up and and packaged it all up for people to bring home. I divided my share up into individual portions (it was a very nice Brie) and most of it is still in the freezer.

poppycity · 08/01/2020 14:52

I think things like this are best to politely decline and not gossip about. Each to their own. Not my cup of tea.

Notajogger · 08/01/2020 20:16

These things are quite common, not sure why OP and all the school mums are getting their knickers in a twist about it.

You said you barely know the woman, so just don't go. Job done. Probably she's just trying to be friendly to the other school mums - feel a bit sorry for her to be honest! No need for gossip & bitching.

Yes maybe the euros thing is a little OTT but she probably knows people will feel obliged to get a gift (it being a birthday party) and they'll otherwise be inundated with bottles and bottles of booze in gift bags!

MopsRUs · 08/01/2020 21:00

'People usually turn up with a desert a bottle of wine or hand a case of beer over as well as a present. You dont turn up empty handed.'

To me that is way OTT. If you bring a present you aren't 'turning up empty handed'.

saraclara · 08/01/2020 21:21

I wonder if this woman is relatively new to the area, and has moved from a part of the country where this is fairly normal behaviour?

I know I got things wrong when I first moved down south from the north.

elmosducks · 08/01/2020 22:41

I dont get it? One of my best friends regularly hosts parties and they are always bring a dish. Her 40th was a similar event to as you described, with over 60 people and it was brilliant.

If you don't like it, then just don't participate?

donquixotedelamancha · 08/01/2020 22:53

I dont get it?...If you don't like it, then just don't participate?

I think OP feels this other mum should have known she's a candlelight supper type of person. Her sister Violet has a BMW and room for a pony.

These things are quite common, not sure why OP and all the school mums are getting their knickers in a twist about it.

Because it's common, not OP's sort of thing.

Ginfordinner · 08/01/2020 22:56

I think that SandAndSea has raised some interesting and valid points.

I don't think pot luck/bring and share is regional. We have done this where I am from in South London, and where I live now in Yorkshire. I think it is more the type of people I am friends with and have as a family.

There are a lot of Hyacinth Buckets on this thread.

SandAndSea · 09/01/2020 01:58

@Ginfordinner - Hyacinths and... dare I say it?... I'm also reminded of Tubbs from The League of Gentlemen:

"Is it a local party for local people?" (Whilst eating a hair sandwich.) Grin

BloggersBlog · 09/01/2020 08:59

Everyone saying "it's normal within my circle of friends" that is the pont - within your circle of friends! Not with a woman you just say hi to on the school run.
You start off small with people you don't know, not have a mass invite of people and a demand list of what to bring with a large hint to bring euros as a gift Hmm

The whole thing is utterly bizarre

GoldfishRampage · 09/01/2020 10:28

Mumsnet is such an eye-opener. I would never of guessed being invited to a potluck party would be seen as something to be offended and gossiped about.

OP, it's sad that you are choosing to see this invite so negatively. The poor woman probably has no idea that you are put out. She probably thought you would appreciate the friendly gesture and was looking forward to get to know you better.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 09/01/2020 13:28

I have been to many a birthday party where this has happened, I have absolutely no problem with it. Most people bring a quiche, salad or a pudding.

AdoptedBumpkin · 09/01/2020 14:37

Seems ridiculous. I would make an excuse if you don't wish to go.

saraclara · 09/01/2020 15:01

I do feel sorry for this woman*, if people are just replying in bulk to say that they're not coming. She must be wondering what's the matter with her.

*only a bit though, because the asking for euros was a bit CF

EnergyCreatesReality · 09/01/2020 15:33

How do you know she's "not exactly skint"?

We're lucky to have a 4 bedroom house and 2 newish cars but what people don't realise is DH's car is a company car and he gets taxed massively on it and while we have a big house we also have a big mortgage to match so by your standards we shouldn't be skint but we never have any money!!

As the old saying goes you can't judge a book by it's cover. If you're not that friendly with her then don't go, it shouldn't make a difference whether you think she should be able to afford to pay for food or not.

BloggersBlog · 09/01/2020 15:49

If you are skint, you dont organise a big party bash and a trip abroad Hmm you have a few friends round and if they want to bring a dish they offer

hellcarryingahandbag · 09/01/2020 16:11

It’s an invite, not a summons.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/01/2020 17:02

We're lucky to have a 4 bedroom house and 2 newish cars but what people don't realise is DH's car is a company car and he gets taxed massively on it and while we have a big house we also have a big mortgage to match so by your standards we shouldn't be skint but we never have any money!!

You're not skint if you're able to obtain those things. Your husband must have a pretty good job, and you must have enough income to qualify for that mortgage.

It is worlds away for many of us.

mrshousty · 09/01/2020 17:31

I wouldn't go tbh just make an excuse

FruitcakeOfHate · 09/01/2020 17:35

because the asking for euros was a bit CF

Exactly! Fucking ridiculous to expect people to cater to a list and then give her fucking cash on top of that! Potluck, the food is your contribution. And yet you're supposed to 'appreciate' being invited to cater her party and fund her holiday abroad? Fuck that.

Motoko · 09/01/2020 17:51

People who are skint, don't have the money to run 2 expensive cars, a 2 week holiday abroad, nor a large mortgage.

Ginfordinner · 09/01/2020 17:52

The demand for euros is rude, I agree. Sounds like this party is going to be cancelled.

The approach that my family and friends who have done bring and share parties has been something along the lines of "we don't want gifts, but would be delighted if you could bring along a dish to share". Now, I don't think a request worded like that is rude at all.

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