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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL visiting when baby is due

238 replies

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 20:43

I have a baby due in the summer and I also have another child who will be 13 months at the time the second baby (a surprise) arrives. My parents in law have just been to visit their daughter who lives abroad for 3 months after she had twins. My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc. They have told us that SIL is planning to visit with her children when our baby is born. That will obviously mean that my MIL will be unable to help us out. The reason she is visiting around my due date is because that’s when her older child has school holidays and mostly because her husband wants his parents to meet his kids. My SIL won’t meet or stay with her in laws though as she doesn’t like them. I understand that but I also feel a bit annoyed that they have had three months of help and now when we will need it we won’t be getting any. We will manage somehow, it just feels inconsiderate.

OP posts:
doritosdip · 08/01/2020 08:55

Maybe your SIL's IL have limited availability? It sounds like a primary focus for this trip is for them to spend time with their grandchildren?

It is hard to schedule this trip. You could have the baby anytime in a 2-3 week period, add 2 weeks for staying with you then the school summer holidays are practically over. If they travel long distance (say from Australia) then its natural that they want to stay longer. Do they live in a country (say in the ME) where expats get away because summers are uncomfortable? People can't live life "just in case" something happens. You might be fine without her helping- most people are fine with her h being the help. What about your mum? Why aren't you expecting her to help?

Is there no chance of SIL and MIL helping a bit? What about your husband? I assume he's taking 2 weeks off so there will be an extra pair of hands to help you?

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 08/01/2020 09:06

No your SIL didn't need to consider you at all. She was working around her, her husband, school rotas and the availability of her parents and her ILs. This was a time that work s for everyone. You're not on her list.

You decided to have a baby. That's not her problem.

BlouseAndSkirt · 08/01/2020 09:06

I think it is tricky, and bad luck that your SIL lives abroad, so flexibility and spontaneity are not possible for her parents to see her kids and they rely on holiday visits.

Have you and DH asked MIL if she can give any help at this time? Tell her how important her support was and ask if she will be able to give specific help? She may be able to take your 1 yo to her house to play / stay with his cousins while you are in hospital, or for a couple of days afterwards.

Zeusthemoose · 08/01/2020 09:13

What will your husband be doing? I just had my DH for a few weeks. Anyone else staying would have been overkill and too much.

gamerchick · 08/01/2020 09:24

OP, you've been repeatedly asked. Where is your husband in all of this? It's his job to make sure his family is comfortable when a new baby comes.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 08/01/2020 09:25

Most people don’t have people staying with them when they have babies for help. It’s not the norm to have that much help and to expect it sounds entitled

Zeusthemoose · 08/01/2020 09:26

I've just read some of your other replies - I should of before replyingSmile. So it's not about MIL staying which is the norm in your culture it's all about SIL. I think MIL stayed 3 months because her daughter lives in a different country - it does make a huge difference. How far do you live from your in-laws and do you currently have ongoing child care with your toddler from them which will carry on for the foreseeable future and where are your parents?

Clangus00 · 08/01/2020 09:33

@Zeus SIL also had twins.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/01/2020 09:36

Maybe your SIL is planning her visit specifically to see you and see her new niece/nephew? There would be people on here giving out that their SIL hasn't bothered to visit to see their new baby when they had the whole summer holidays available to them to come.

So I think whatever your SIL does you will find fault.

Is your own mother alive?

TheSoapyFrog · 08/01/2020 09:52

I do think yabu with regard to your SIL. Your jealousy about "how she got this much time, so I should get the same" is rather childish. You seem to expect everyone to change plans and drop their lives because you've had a baby. You probably will still get some support from your MIL, just maybe not as hands on as you might have hoped for.
This may be the time to consider hiring professional help from a maternity nurse or nanny if you feel you and your husband cannot cope between you.
Hopefully this birth will not be as traumatic as the last and you'll find that you are stronger and can cope with much more than you think, especially when you have no choice but to crack on.
For the record, I can confirm that having twins is MUCH harder than having children with a small age gap.

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 08/01/2020 10:00

OP, I recognised you as soon as I read your post.
I’m going to try and say this as gently as I can - this is your second line thread bemoaning the lack of help you think you ought to be getting from your family in raising your children.
You have chosen to have two, you have chosen to have a small gap (planned or not). It’s time to take responsibility for the fact you, not anyone else, chose to have these children and crack on with parenting and raising them.

Alsohuman · 08/01/2020 10:12

What nasty callous responses you’ve had, OP. Mind you, it’s pretty predictable, it’s fashionable to go into purdah after your baby’s born and not let anyone over the door step for a fortnight. If I were you I’d butter Mil up, tell her how much you appreciated her help last time and ask if she can spare you a few days this time.

Bluerussian · 08/01/2020 10:32

Again op you haven't answered: what time off from work will your husband have? Most do take some when they have a new baby in order to support wife and any other child or children and to bond with the new baby. You are talking as though the only help you can have is from the grandparents.

Please do clarify because you've been asked a few times and not answered.

I can understand that at the moment you feel overwhelmed and are wondering how you'll cope which is what prompted this thread but I'm sure something can be organised if you work it out calmly.

Good luck.

TabbyMumz · 08/01/2020 12:22

"I don’t think any of us have ever asked my MIL to come and help, she’s always offered it herself and always does it very happily."
You said in your opening post how your husband rang your mil to ask about help....now you have said something different, now you are saying you have never asked!? Which is it? Because it was the opening post that allowed people to think you were a bit entitled!!

TabbyMumz · 08/01/2020 12:25

Also you have said your Mum is a carer and cant help. what happens when her other children and dil's have children? If its expected that mils have to help, for varying amounts of time, isn't she letting down her dil's?

TheReef · 08/01/2020 12:29

Help from family is lovely but should never be expected. Your SIL is doing what's best for her family, it's not great timing for you, but you and your dh have decided to have the child (Ok it was unplanned but hey ho) your SIL will appreciate the help too. I'm afraid you do sound a bit precious. I know you've had complications before but again, that doesn't mean your needs trump your SIL's

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/01/2020 12:51

How do MIL's deal with multiple children who have multiple children. All her children are of similar childbearing age, and are obviously planning and having families at the same time. Is the MIL supposed to make herself to every child, for every child. Where does she get her own life in this, or is it your culture that mother in laws are just to be on call to all offspring.

Your mother works as a carer so your culture just let's her off the hook? Should she not offer equal help as your mother in law does, as per your culture? What if both mothers worked? Who would be expected to move in and help them?

FilledSoda · 08/01/2020 13:15

Is a nanny out of the question?

ims0rrydarlin · 08/01/2020 13:33

Does your culture also prevent your husband from helping with the kids?

If you get the help from your MIL then fine but don’t have an expectation due to cultural practices. I’m from a minority culture myself so I do understand, but it’s not an obligation. If someone can help they do, if not, so be it.

Your children, your problem.

Josette77 · 08/01/2020 13:57

Why isn't your dh helping?

Your poor mil. I notice no expectations of fil to help either. Mil is expected to help everyone.

I don't live near family but even if I did they couldn't help if I wanted them to. Ds has complex special needs. You will be surprised how much you can handle when you have to. You and your dh should be able to manage.

Hoolahlah66 · 08/01/2020 14:01

Babies are hard but it is you family no one else’s I’m sure you’ll cope like millions do Hmm

pallisers · 08/01/2020 14:23

The "your children your problem" attitude throughout this thread is so unlike my experience of family life. Maybe it is a UK thing to be so "your little family so suck it up"

My MIL came to stay with me after my first baby because I was so sick. She came when my own parents had to go home. She was a star. In laws have helped me as have my own family. We think of it as normal to help.

I think OP's worry about an unexpected pregnancy after a difficult time last time have made her a bit unreasonable - of course the SIL is reasonable to visit. But my guess is the MIL will help you anyway. In the meantime, you should try to get a good routine going for your toddler and bulk cook dinners for the freezer - I did this for my second and third deliveries and didn't cook for nearly a month after birth.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 08/01/2020 14:29

@pallisets Exactly! I wonder what everyone who is so anti mother in laws helping will say when we are taking care of my in laws in their old age because we are the only ones that have stayed in the country (for precisely that reason). It’s not your responsibility, they should manage on their own, you should visit them once a year if you have the time! I could never do that even though they aren’t my own parents. It’s so sad. I’m glad we have a strong family support system.

OP posts:
stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 08/01/2020 14:41

FGS NOBODY is anti MIL helping. They are Anti your CF attitude that you and the situation you created should come before another family. The help is there. Just not to your demands.

Bluerussian · 08/01/2020 14:41

I'm glad too, Jade, and agree about caring for elderly relatives if and when they need it, however you seem to be complaining about lack of support from them for you here, that is what the thread is all about!

You still haven't told us what your husband will be doing to support you when you have your baby.

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