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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL visiting when baby is due

238 replies

Jadefeather7 · 07/01/2020 20:43

I have a baby due in the summer and I also have another child who will be 13 months at the time the second baby (a surprise) arrives. My parents in law have just been to visit their daughter who lives abroad for 3 months after she had twins. My husband was talking to them about the help we will need in early days with a toddler, newborn, c section recovery etc. They have told us that SIL is planning to visit with her children when our baby is born. That will obviously mean that my MIL will be unable to help us out. The reason she is visiting around my due date is because that’s when her older child has school holidays and mostly because her husband wants his parents to meet his kids. My SIL won’t meet or stay with her in laws though as she doesn’t like them. I understand that but I also feel a bit annoyed that they have had three months of help and now when we will need it we won’t be getting any. We will manage somehow, it just feels inconsiderate.

OP posts:
stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 08/01/2020 14:43

Also why is it acceptable for your mother to have an excuse not to help but your MIL can't?

PPopsicle · 08/01/2020 14:43

Totally get where you are coming from!
I was hospitalised for a majority of my pregnancy, and my husband could’ve really done with a helping hand to keep on top of things, and they never helped. Has made both him and I view them in a totally different light since

Nicknacky · 08/01/2020 14:44

But you are expecting your SIL not to visit her family so you can have your MIL’s time and attention. THAT’S what is unreasonable about your post.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 08/01/2020 14:46

I think yabu. I have helped my doughter with twins and I can tell you her need was very much greater than any of my othe adult children who had newborns and toddlers and some had difficult births/ recoverie afte rsection and unsettled babies. None of them felt entitled and managed very well. I would have helped as needed but they did well. I had 4 children and only had minimal help with the first. Was also the days when fathers did f/a except go to work. You will be fine. The children are yours to care for

Dandelion1993 · 08/01/2020 14:48

YABU

I had a section with my second and no one stayed with us while I recovered and dh still had to work.

They can visit when they like. If you couldn't cope then you should have thought about that and specifically asked her to stay before now.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/01/2020 14:49

Does your MIL provide childcare too?

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 08/01/2020 14:58

I’m not complaining about my MIL and her not helping. I know she will always help if she can. I think SIL should think I’ve had so much help now my brother will need a little bit so I can do my trip in the Xmas holidays instead as there’s no reason why it must be in the summer.

My husband will be around and is helpful but there’s only so much he can do. I expect he will help out with the newborn and household work. Looking after my first child at the same time is going to be really tough. I suppose if we get an easy baby this time it could be different. My first child needed to be held and walked around almost constantly which wasn’t possible for me when I was immobile so my husband had to do it until I could walk.

My MIL has had my son for an evening when we went out for our anniversary, no other childcare.

OP posts:
Xyzzzzz · 08/01/2020 15:01

I think you are being a bit unreasonable in expecting your SIL not to visit in the summer, maybe she thinks it would be a good time to visit so she can see the new baby? You’re not being unreasonable in expecting your MIL to help if that’s what she initially offered.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 08/01/2020 15:12

And because of that you are very unreasonable!

Your SIL need to consider her, her child's school, her MILs schedule, her ILs Schedule.
She didn't need to consider her brother choices.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 08/01/2020 15:13

I think given my SIL refused to let my MIL sister visit my MIL and see the new babies because it would mean having to tidy up the house, she probably knows that it’s not the best time to have visitors when you have just had a baby!

OP posts:
iano · 08/01/2020 15:14

Op did you have complications from your section?
I'm asking as most people are able to carry their child after a section and you might be getting these responses because people don't understand your situation fully...
I think having the first can be a shock but it's much easier with the second. I think you'll be surprised at how well you'll manage.

UndertheCedartree · 08/01/2020 15:19

@Jadefeather7 - I think the problem is that because of your culture you have an expectation of help but if that help isn't available you lack the confidence to cope on your own. I do wonder how involved your DH is if you are feeling so anxious about coping. Will he not be a good support to you?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/01/2020 15:23

Your husband can "only do so much".

What can your mil do that your husband can't?

Your SIL is entitled to plan her holidays however she likes.

What culture expects mil be on tap to help but the other granny doesn't have to?

What if dil and mil don't get on? Is mil still expected to move in?

Why are fathers and grandfathers so absent from all arrangements?

MissEliza · 08/01/2020 15:26

So you think you are reasonable to think that someone should change a visit home from the summer when their child has longer holidays and the weather is far better to the Christmas holidays where the days are short and dark, the weather cold and the school holidays short? It costs a lot of money to fly a family abroad and I know when I lived abroad, I wanted to make the most of my trip home. If I could only do one trip in the year, it would be the summer. You are selfish to think a whole family should change their plans to suit you. Moreover if I thought my SIL resented me coming to visit my own mother, I would be extremely pissed off with her.

TabbyMumz · 08/01/2020 15:53

Why were you immobile after your first section? They encourage you to walk as much as possible immediately after surgery these days so as you dont get dvts. I know it hurts, but you need to do it.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 08/01/2020 16:11

Don’t know. I don’t think I could get up immodestly. My lower body was numb for quite some time. When the numbness wore off it took me about ten minutes to get out of bed and I needed my husband’s help in order to do that. I wasn’t in too much pain I just couldn’t physically lift myself. I had 1.5 litres blood loss so it could be weakness but that’s just me guessing. I did get up anyway and walk around every 2-3 hours and after about 10 days I was much better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 08/01/2020 16:12

*immediately not immodestly!

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/01/2020 16:20

That's normal after a section. You've been paralysed from the waist down. It takes about 24 hours to recover from that. The days after are very very sore. It took me two weeks before I was able to stand up from a sitting position without easing myself up. It is abdominal surgery. It's sore and it takes time... But what you described is perfectly normal post section.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 08/01/2020 16:25

Yeah maybe but there are women on here who claim to be perfectly mobile and able to handle everything immediately after a c section Hmm

My son just wouldn’t stop screaming unless someone was pacing around the room with him. I really couldn’t do that in the first week or so so luckily DH was able to do it.

OP posts:
spongejack · 08/01/2020 16:28

@Jadefeather7 whereabouts did MIL travel too to stay with her daughter? Was it long haul or short haul?

3 months if it's a very long journey is acceptable, it no doubt costs a lot of money to fly

When you say you're due in the summer and SIL is coming in the summer, she may well have booked her trip before you announced your pregnancy.

Assuming you're in the UK visiting the UK in summer with twins, is far more preferable than in cold wet December. They'd can get out and about, play in the garden etc in the summer.

You really are only thinking of yourself and not the logistics of the holiday for SIL.

spongejack · 08/01/2020 16:29

My son just wouldn’t stop screaming unless someone was pacing around the room with him. I really couldn’t do that in the first week or so so luckily DH was able to do it.

I presume he will have paternity leave for a couple of weeks?

GreenTulips · 08/01/2020 16:35

That screaming was heart burn. He needs head above stomach at all times because every time you lie him down the acid creeps up to his throat making him scream. Easily solved

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 08/01/2020 16:37

3 months isn’t an issue. The issue is helping one child out so much and then not being able to do anywhere near as much for another (especially when the other child- my DH is the one that does the most for his parents by virtue of being the only one that has stayed in the country). Before anyone says it, I do not think my MIL is to blame at all! She’s been put in a difficult situation by her daughter.

For me personally my siblings or my husbands siblings getting help in their time of need would be something I would prioritise over my children being able to play in the garden in the summer ُ (Which is something they can do at home anyway)

OP posts:
Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 08/01/2020 16:40

@GreenTulips Not sure about that. I had everyone under the sun diagnosing him with some medical condition or the other. He was having medication, ultrasounds etc. He didn’t just need to be held upright the person holding him had to be moving around or he would scream. That went on until 4 months.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 08/01/2020 16:44

You, no are putting her in a difficult situation.

You will see your mother in law a lot more over the course of a year than her daughter does.

Let the woman have a break from being expected to look after everyone!

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