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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think asking “Are you alright for a drink”? Is not offering someone a drink?

442 replies

SproutMuncher · 07/01/2020 16:53

Last night I went to the pub with 3 friends, one of whom brought her new(ish) partner, so there were 5 of us. I arrived last, and said I was going to the bar and asked if anyone would like a drink, to which they all said yes and I bought the round - fine.

When we finished our drinks, one of my friends did the same - fine.

When my friend’s boyfriend finished his drink, he asked his girlfriend if she wanted a another red wine, then as he got up to go, said to the rest of us “are you guys alright for a drink?”. We all said we were fine but it narked me a bit.

I know it isn’t a massive deal and actually this aside I really liked the guy, but just interested in people’s thoughts. AIBU to think this isn’t really offering to buy us drinks at all?

OP posts:

BottleOfJameson · 07/01/2020 17:26

It probably comes across as slightly less keen to buy you all drinks if I was going to massively read into it. He could have said "what would the rest of you like?" and left you to say "nothing" if you didn't want another. I wouldn't worry too much about it though.

Witchend · 07/01/2020 17:26

Can I throw a curve ball in? Is he a Northerner?

What ARE you implying?

Surely what she's implying is that it's regional? Typical way people would offer when I lived up north. He's probably gone back and asked his gf about these unfriendly people who wouldn't even let him buy them a drink despite only having a few sips left.
Now I'm in the south people tend to say more "I'm going to get another, anyone else want a drink?" which I tend to hear as being "I want another and I suppose I have to ask others not to look rude", although I know that (generally) that's not what they actually mean.

melj1213 · 07/01/2020 17:26

2. you guys alright for a drink... ? (this is not an offer)

See, where I'm from in the North West, that is an offer as it is implied that the full question would be "You guys alright for a drink or would you like another?" but that the second half is unnecessary as it is obvious from your actions (empty glass, getting up to go to the bar etc) what you're offering.

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 07/01/2020 17:27

I don't get the reference to ' You'll have had your tea.' What does that mean?

livefornaps · 07/01/2020 17:27

He's a cheap cunt

bungaloid · 07/01/2020 17:27

If there is any doubt just shout "sort me out a massive drink mate". Everyone is a winner.
There is such a thing as overthinking a problem.
Perhaps someone could draw a flow chart of phrases and potential meanings / appropriate responses to help with this thorny issue.
The best friends are ones who buy you another drink even when you haven't started the previous.

Chewbecca · 07/01/2020 17:28

I voted YABU because strictly speaking it is an offer and you could have said 'ooh, I'd like a glass of red pls'.

However it was definitely said in a discouraging tone and manner so if you had worded your AIBU differently, I reckon you would have got a different outcome and NBU.

steff13 · 07/01/2020 17:28

I'd take it as an offer. If he had said, "You're alright for drinks, right?" I would take that as he didn't really want to buy a round.

And, regardless, if you wanted another drink you should have just said you'd have another.

Tempotempo · 07/01/2020 17:30

You'll have had you're tea is from I'm sorry I havn't a clue which in turn was referencing/taking the piss out of I can't remember what, some long ago telly programme.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 07/01/2020 17:30

Surely what she's implying is that it's regional? Typical way people would offer when I lived up north. He's probably gone back and asked his gf about these unfriendly people who wouldn't even let him buy them a drink despite only having a few sips left. grin
Now I'm in the south people tend to say more "I'm going to get another, anyone else want a drink?" which I tend to hear as being "I want another and I suppose I have to ask others not to look rude", although I know that (generally) that's not what they actually mean.

Yeah, I know. I was just taking the piss. I'll get me coat!

bengalcat · 07/01/2020 17:31

I’d view it as an offer and have put my request in if I wanted another drink

ivfbabymomma1 · 07/01/2020 17:31

It's offering but I would sooner hear "it's my round what you having" or "what you drinking?" As some stood up that kind of thing! So I see what you mean but you could have said can I have....

Flyingunicornsmyass · 07/01/2020 17:32

Oh, totally get what you mean, but my other half is from Birmingham and he does this as an offer; first weekend he stayed at mine (Sussex) it was just the 2 of us and he still asked it this way. I felt rude saying 'can I have another?' but he was, in fact, legitimately asking.

Mlou32 · 07/01/2020 17:32

Its an offer, but worded in a way to make.it less easy for you to say 'yes please'. He should have just automatically repeated the order.

Palavah · 07/01/2020 17:32

It depends on tone and delivery. It's the kind of thing I'd say if I were already getting a round to someone who had at least half of their drink left, but if someone sounded smiley and upbeat and was actually facing me I'd say 'oh yes please'

BlouseAndSkirt · 07/01/2020 17:33

“Are you alright for a drink” is not an outright offer. It is the polite thing to say when you can see someone’s glass is full / more than half full, and you assume they don’t want one just then, but it would be rude to get yourself one without checking.

It is not the same as ‘what can I get for anyone?’ Or ‘who would like another drink?’ Or ‘I’m off the the bar, what would you like?’

The expected answer to ‘are you alright for a drink?’ is ‘I’m fine at the moment’, which is why he looked out out.

Which given that he and his gf had by that time had 4 drinks between them bought by other people was cheeky.

WombatChocolate · 07/01/2020 17:34

It's an acceptable and often used phrase. People might use it if;

it's a second or third round and lots of people still have half full glasses so it's pretty clear hey won't all need another.
if there is a large group and person buying hopes some will say no.
if there's a group including those you don't know - you don't want to just offer to a limited group, but it's an unspoken way of suggesting the offer isn't open to all.

Anyone being asked this question however, if always free to say they'd like a drink.

It is a less effusive offer of a drink than 'what can I get You?' But I think it's rather soon to write him off as mean and a bit over-sensitive to decide you couldn't say yes if you'd have wanted a drink.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but you can watch out next time to see if he is an avoider.

And one of life's facts is some people are quicker and more regular in offering to buy drinks. I think you just have to accept it and not worry too much, as long as people buy sometimes, their exact wording and frequency shouldn't be charted down to the last penny spent.

And I have to say I might well use the phrase he does. I don't drink very often. On a night out I might drink 2 cokes. I will always ask if everyone is okay for a drink when going to the bar. Often one or two people will ask for a drink but not everyone. That is because some already have a drink and others are aware of me not drinking much and don't like to send me up to buy a £30 round when I'm drinking 2 cokes all night. I rarely get the first round, which informed the most expensive - everyone will need one and most will drink alcohol to start, even if not later. I hope this doesn't make me mean or that everyone is judging me as Op seems to be judging the man. I always spend more on drinks than I actually drink if you get what I mean. I can see though that a new boyfriend wants to come across as generous and not mean and perhaps put himself out.....but he did actually go to the bar and make a general invitation, so I think it was okay and Op is a bit quick to judge - there are other things which say more about someone's character and he didn't avoid going to the bar or offering, even if he didn't actively push drinks on everyone. I guess it partly depends on how into drinking culture you are, whether this matters a lot or not much.

Tempotempo · 07/01/2020 17:34

Don't, whatever you do, take the piss, nicelegs > cross face

ChickenyChick · 07/01/2020 17:35

it's an offer

You can reply with "I'd love another lager actually"

that's how simple it is.

To NOT tell him what you'd actually like, and then getting narked for him not insisting, you show slight martyr-ish tendencies IMO

VenusTiger · 07/01/2020 17:37

Some pps are over-complicating things... if someone says "are you alright for drinks?" (a question) and you'd like another, I'd answer "can you get me a g&t please" which is a perfectly reasonable and polite response.... no need for anyone to say "actually no....." etc.

My god - he was probably thinking how do I word this, as I might get over-analysed.. and so he was. 🤦

Whatsthesmell · 07/01/2020 17:41

I would take it as you did, like he was saying you don't need a drink.

He asked his girlfriend if she wanted another then effectively told the rest they don't need one just now.

I'd be a bit narked too if he was happily accepting drinks. Maybe he was skint

pourmorewine · 07/01/2020 17:41

So did he get a round in at all? I'm guessing that he didn't after accepting drinks from everyone else.

I have a family member who does exactly this and consequently he rarely buys anyone else a drink, while happily accepting rounds from everyone else.
We are in the North. Tight is tight.

RozHuntleysStump · 07/01/2020 17:41

I think he was hoping not to have to buy you drinks. The cheap sod!

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 07/01/2020 17:42

I agree, OP. It's a way of asking that leads you to refuse.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/01/2020 17:43

It's making the gesture, but encouraging the answer of, "yes I'm fine" - I interpret it as a bit of a, "you'll have had your tea?"

What Biarritz says.

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