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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think asking “Are you alright for a drink”? Is not offering someone a drink?

442 replies

SproutMuncher · 07/01/2020 16:53

Last night I went to the pub with 3 friends, one of whom brought her new(ish) partner, so there were 5 of us. I arrived last, and said I was going to the bar and asked if anyone would like a drink, to which they all said yes and I bought the round - fine.

When we finished our drinks, one of my friends did the same - fine.

When my friend’s boyfriend finished his drink, he asked his girlfriend if she wanted a another red wine, then as he got up to go, said to the rest of us “are you guys alright for a drink?”. We all said we were fine but it narked me a bit.

I know it isn’t a massive deal and actually this aside I really liked the guy, but just interested in people’s thoughts. AIBU to think this isn’t really offering to buy us drinks at all?

OP posts:
Vellichor · 08/01/2020 22:59

He got a cheap round as he got up to get a drink when others were not ready for another. I think he was unreasonable as he had accepted drinks from two others who had to buy for everyone. In this situation, I think he should have either waited or just got for everyone. To me, saying ‘are you alright for a drink’ implies he assumes you don’t want one and that he would rather not buy for others. Maybe would have been better to have just done a kitty?

Hirsutefirs · 08/01/2020 23:02

On the positive side, you learned something about the love of your friends life.

He’s “slow on the bell.”

urkidding · 08/01/2020 23:10

If you've paid for his drink, you could have said yes. Maybe he felt slightly put upon he was forced into the culture of buying rounds, and perhaps didn't want another drink. I don't drink a lot, and hate the culture of buying rounds. It encourages a culture of over the top drinking when you don't want to, or have had enough.

MRSsqueak · 08/01/2020 23:27

its a way of encouraging you to turn down a half hearted offer of a drink. next time drink up and say actually i think i will have another thanks Grin

Miranda15110 · 08/01/2020 23:38

I don't think it is an upfront genuine offer of a drink. There's a saying in Scotland that suggests Edinburgh folk are tight. Allegedly they tend to say "you'll have had your tea", meaning theres nothing on offer but I've kind of asked. The flip side of this being in Glasgow you'd be asked to stay for tea. I'm from neither place so no bias.

GiftedFish · 08/01/2020 23:54

He was probably offering but his phrasing wasn't very good.
As in that position if I wanted a drink k I would feel rude to go "no actually can I have..." I think.

Chuffit · 09/01/2020 00:14

He was offering, it's used a lot where I am. The response is usually ' I'll have a ( insert name of drink ) cheers '.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/01/2020 00:47

I don't think it is an upfront genuine offer of a drink

When ever I use that phrase it is a genuine offer of a drink

Really rude to not accept then go to the bar after

Chuchyduck · 09/01/2020 06:15

He was offering in a way that hoped you’d say no. I agree with you. So if he asks in this way next time, say yes!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 09/01/2020 06:30

So let's say you go to a pub with three friends, but you only want one drink. Someone else gets the first round. Are you now obligated to buy a round for the other three people and then drop out of the process?

You opt out of the first round - you say 'I'll get my own, I'm only having one'. How can people not know how to handle such a basic social situation, and how can they imagine the right thing to do is to let other people buy them drinks and then just not reciprocate?!

Letseatgrandma · 09/01/2020 07:34

So let's say you go to a pub with three friends, but you only want one drink. Someone else gets the first round. Are you now obligated to buy a round for the other three people and then drop out of the process?

Yes, oh absolutely, that’s just what you doHmm.

I’m surprised that some people manage to get through the day sometimes!

It was a crap offer at a round and the fact he asked his girlfriend if she wanted another glass of wine says it all really.

It will be interesting to see what he does next time.

Boireannachlaidir · 09/01/2020 08:15

Whilst "are y'ok for a drink" means an offer to buy in some cases, on this particular occasion, it was asked to the others in the group as an afterthought when he was already on his way to bar to get drinks for him & new g/f. He could've asked everyone at the same time.

It was rude of him to not wait until the whole group were ready for another when he'd already accepted their drinks.

For the PP who mentioned "round culture in the UK" and they hate being forced into it, not liking drinking too much etc, well it goes both ways so there is absolutely no need to accept the drinks in a "round" and esp if you don't want/can't be in a position to take your turn at buying*

*unless agreed upfront with eg good friends etc

hazell42 · 09/01/2020 08:22

Would you like a drink, presumes the answer, yes please I would like a drink, with the option to refuse
Are you guys alright for a drink, presumes the answer, no I would not like another drink, with the option to ask for one.
It's subtle but the clear implication is, do not ask for a drink I dont want to buy you one. Note too, that he offered to buy his girlfriend a drink, which falls into the presuming yes category.
So, yes he is a cf, but a sneaky one

Doubleraspberry · 09/01/2020 08:56

I thought of this thread this morning when my boss arrived in the office and said ‘you alright for a drink?’. He makes a round of teas and coffees every morning even though he drinks neither himself, so it’s always a genuine offer.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/01/2020 09:49

It was rude of him to not wait until the whole group were ready for another when he'd already accepted their drinks

But the group were ready for another as after he had come back with the drinks for him and the gf another person got up and went to buy a round.

It will be interesting to see what he does next time

Do you really think there will be a next time after the rude behaviour on behalf of op and her little group

It won’t have gone unnoticed

Original poster
SproutMuncher · 09/01/2020 09:58

But the group were ready for another as after he had come back with the drinks for him and the gf another person got up and went to buy a round

You speak like there was no time lapse and my friend got up for drinks pretty much as soon as he sat down. And as I said in response to your last silly post, of course there will be a next time, we didn’t do anything remotely rude and clearly from communications since, my friend doesn’t think so either. But you crack on with this ridiculous suggestion our friendship is doomed.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 09/01/2020 10:03

Time will tell

You obviously dislike the guy so the relationship can’t really progress unless you hang out with a lot of people you dislike

Original poster
SproutMuncher · 09/01/2020 10:04

Read the damn OP oliversmumsarmy, where I specifically say I really liked him. You’re just making stuff up based on nothing.

OP posts:
IamAporcupine · 09/01/2020 10:20

But the group were ready for another as after he had come back with the drinks for him and the gf another person got up and went to buy a round.

If this was indeed the case, (and he was truly offering earlier) then he should have got up and said 'Oh, let me get those!'

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/01/2020 10:20

You liked him but not enough to not be rude to him

Original poster
SproutMuncher · 09/01/2020 10:25

Well at least we have moved on from your baseless suggestion I “disliked” him.

If I offer someone a drink and they decline, but get their own a bit later, I think they’re being polite to save me having to buy them one. I don’t take it as a snub. I guess we are all different.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 09/01/2020 10:37

But you did take the way of him asking you for a drink as a snub.

Original poster
SproutMuncher · 09/01/2020 10:47

I didn’t take it as a snub, and have never said I did. I thought it might mean he’s a bit tight. I didn’t think it said anything whatsoever about whether he liked me or hated me.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/01/2020 10:53

It is offering a drink at a time when you perhaps have a relatively full glass. You could just reply by saying what you would like.

AndBabyMakes3 · 09/01/2020 11:40

I would also consider it was him offering a drink, checking with the GF first if she wanted another red wine might just be him checking she didn't want to switch to G&T or whatever instead, not actively excluding you from the round at all