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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think asking “Are you alright for a drink”? Is not offering someone a drink?

442 replies

SproutMuncher · 07/01/2020 16:53

Last night I went to the pub with 3 friends, one of whom brought her new(ish) partner, so there were 5 of us. I arrived last, and said I was going to the bar and asked if anyone would like a drink, to which they all said yes and I bought the round - fine.

When we finished our drinks, one of my friends did the same - fine.

When my friend’s boyfriend finished his drink, he asked his girlfriend if she wanted a another red wine, then as he got up to go, said to the rest of us “are you guys alright for a drink?”. We all said we were fine but it narked me a bit.

I know it isn’t a massive deal and actually this aside I really liked the guy, but just interested in people’s thoughts. AIBU to think this isn’t really offering to buy us drinks at all?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 07/01/2020 22:05

*What’s wrong with

What are you drinking*

If you are going to be nit picking then What are you drinking isn’t asking if you want another drink.

Can’t believe someone then bought another round.

That must have looked like quite a snub to the bf.
If this had happened to me with new people it would come across as quite rude and saying quite succinctly that these new people didn’t want to get to know me.

RuffleCrow · 07/01/2020 22:08

It is weighted towards you declining but it still allows you to accept.

UndertheCedartree · 07/01/2020 22:42

@CallofDoodee - well as people have explained to most of us it is an express offer of a drink and no need to say anything awkward - just 'yes,please!'

MissConductUS · 07/01/2020 22:45

So let's say you go to a pub with three friends, but you only want one drink. Someone else gets the first round. Are you now obligated to buy a round for the other three people and then drop out of the process?

MintyMabel · 07/01/2020 22:50

Of course it's an offer. Why would he ask otherwise?

Cam77 · 07/01/2020 22:59

Some people feel bad at the end of the night if they remember that they bought one less round than another person/other people in the group. Some people feel happy about it.
I’m not saying this guy is defintely in the latter group, but let’s just say it seems that he definitely isn’t in the former.

Cam77 · 07/01/2020 23:00

@MissConductUS
Pretty much, yeah. The great thing about rounds is that everyone is obligated to drink more than is probably sensible :)

emilybrontescorsett · 07/01/2020 23:00

Ok here's my two penneth.

The way it was phrased was pushing towards you agreeing with him in which case he gets out of buying a round.
He should have said "same again?" To everyone.
Its the same ask asking " have you already eaten? " and then only making yourself something to eat.
You have to disagree with him to get a drink, you have to say " no, I'm not ok, " which is awkward and odd.

I would not accept a drink from someone unless I intended buying them one back.
That's why I don't buy in big rounds as I don't drink much.
I don't mind if it's just 2 or 3 people buy otherwise no, I'll just buy my own.

He sounds a tight arse.

Cam77 · 07/01/2020 23:04

@UndertheCedartree
Yes, it’s an unenthusiastic offer of a drink. But he shouldn’t be offering, he should be insisting - ie offering enthusiastically. It’s his round. “Alright for a drink?” is for being polite when you’ve already bought your round or when you’re not doing rounds at all - and then the polite response is “fine thanks” (unless you’re being cheeky)

emilybrontescorsett · 07/01/2020 23:05

Reminds me of a colleague who ask a few of us if we'd like a cuppa.
I say yes please tea, no sugar.
My colleague then said " bloody hell, I didn't mean it! I was only asking out of politeness! "

Doubleraspberry · 08/01/2020 08:10

It’s not really any different to waiting to be served at a counter and being asked ‘you alright there?’.

^

It's totally different! You don't buy the waiter drinks!

You’ve totally missed my point. It’s just a way of asking what someone wants, and in the scenario I suggested, someone at a counter is not trying to make you say you don’t want to be served - they are asking what you want.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/01/2020 08:16

Its how its asked around here, id just have said I'll have another please

TwatCat · 08/01/2020 08:19

Sprout I get what you're saying, it's a kind of hoping you'd say no sort of question in the way it was phrased. Around here we'd "what are you having?".

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 08/01/2020 10:40

It’s not really any different to waiting to be served at a counter and being asked ‘you alright there?’.

It's totally different! You don't buy the waiter drinks!

You’ve totally missed my point. It’s just a way of asking what someone wants, and in the scenario I suggested, someone at a counter is not trying to make you say you don’t want to be served - they are asking what you want.

A waiter/waitress coming to your table to take your order would never ask "Are you alright there?". At a busy bar, they might legitimately ask as you might be already being served by their colleague or you might have gone to the bar for another purpose - to ask for a food menu, to settle a tab or where the toilets are etc.

If they ask "What can I get you?", that makes it slightly awkward and presumptuous if you haven't gone specifically to order a drink, so asking "Are you alright there?" is a politer, more open-ended phrase. It's like the equivalent of a shop assistant at a counter asking "How can I help you?" when approached rather than "What do you want to buy?"

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 08/01/2020 10:45

A lot of people seem to be getting quite put out by a fairly innocuous question. As said before, a lot also depends on tone. Take the phrase "It's fine" for example - that can mean 'no problem at all, don't worry about it' if said kindly and breezily with a smile but if spat out passive-aggressively with a face like thunder, it means the exact opposite.

Doubleraspberry · 08/01/2020 10:54

It's like the equivalent of a shop assistant at a counter asking "How can I help you?" when approached rather than "What do you want to buy?"

But exactly! And ‘how can I help you?’ is asking for your order, not ‘forcing’ you to ask them for help. It’s just another way of asking what you want.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/01/2020 11:44

I just think you and your friends didn’t like the bf and were looking for any excuse to snub him.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t really hangout with the gf that much from now on.

You have gone out of your way to make sure your he knows he isn’t welcome

You and your friends are the mean spirited people and sound quite superior with your analysing of a perfectly ok question that a lot of people use

nowaypose · 08/01/2020 12:07

It’s definitely an offer, just worded differently. You should have said yes instead of ‘politely declining’ then silently seething about it...

PuppyMonkey · 08/01/2020 12:28

At the risk of sounding like I’m victim blaming Grin, I think the onus was on you to get in there and tell him what you wanted to drink once you knew he was going to the bar. You snooze, you lose and all that however he phrased the offer.Grin

I think the most bizarre thing about this whole incident is your other friend subsequently going to get another round in a short time after you just told the New Boyfriend you were ok for a drink. Did he not comment on this? Sounds super awkward.

I say this as a person from the EAst Midlands.Confused

laudete · 08/01/2020 12:40

He doesn't really know you and asked in a polite, unassuming manner if you'd welcome a drink purchased by him. You all said no! Then, you bought your own drinks - untainted by his cash. I expect he thinks his girlfriend's friends don't like him.

Batmanandrobin123 · 08/01/2020 13:00

YANBU - like has been said by other posters it's the sort of thing you say when you arrive late and can see people have drinks already but don't want to be rude and not offer.
If you have accepted rounds previously and are on the way to the bar you should ask people if they want a drink as it's your turn to buy and regardless of whether they have a bit left you owe them a drink.
I actually hate the round culture and wish everyone would just get their own drinks but hey ho.

Mamabear88 · 08/01/2020 13:15

He offered to buy you drinks. He just phrased it differently. I / my friend group always use that phrase to offer to buy drinks. YABU.

Original poster
SproutMuncher · 08/01/2020 14:30

@Oliversmumsarmy

I just think you and your friends didn’t like the bf and were looking for any excuse to snub him

Read the OP where I said I actually really liked him Hmm

You and your friends are the mean spirited people and sound quite superior with your analysing of a perfectly ok question that a lot of people use

My friends haven’t said a word about it, where did I say we discussed it? And while I’ve accepted IABU, I am not the only one who would interpret the question that way, and the intonation and tone of it (which was more statement than question) doesn’t make me “mean spirited” for wondering.

And I’ve spent the morning on our joint WhatsApp group with us helping her choose an outfit for the fancy dinner he is taking her to on Saturday so I think our friendship will be just fine, thanks.

Starting a thread on Mumsnet which he knows nothing about isn’t making it clear he’s not welcome. He was made very welcome. He was pretty quiet at first but I know he likes football so spent ages talking to him about that so he felt included - I have no idea where you get the impression I made him feel unwelcome.

Honestly, I don’t mind criticism as I think this thread has shown because I’ve had plenty of it, but your post is unnecessarily snarky.

@PuppyMonkey I can see why it sounds like it would be awkward my friend going for drinks, but it honestly didn’t seem to be. Saying we said “no” was paraphrasing. I can’t remember the exact wording but i think I said something like I’m ok with this for a minute or words to that effect. Which of course amounts to saying no but it wasn’t a monosyllabic response if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Vilanelle · 08/01/2020 16:00

I think it sounds like a half arsed offer. Like "I am appearing polite but hoping you say no" lol

Chloemol · 08/01/2020 17:31

Sounds like he was offering to me. You could have said you were not ok and would like a whatever you were drinking