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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think asking “Are you alright for a drink”? Is not offering someone a drink?

442 replies

SproutMuncher · 07/01/2020 16:53

Last night I went to the pub with 3 friends, one of whom brought her new(ish) partner, so there were 5 of us. I arrived last, and said I was going to the bar and asked if anyone would like a drink, to which they all said yes and I bought the round - fine.

When we finished our drinks, one of my friends did the same - fine.

When my friend’s boyfriend finished his drink, he asked his girlfriend if she wanted a another red wine, then as he got up to go, said to the rest of us “are you guys alright for a drink?”. We all said we were fine but it narked me a bit.

I know it isn’t a massive deal and actually this aside I really liked the guy, but just interested in people’s thoughts. AIBU to think this isn’t really offering to buy us drinks at all?

OP posts:
Kirstenkl · 07/01/2020 20:22

*If you're sitting there with an empty or very nearly empty glass, you could choose to assume his question is relating to what time you need to leave i.e. are you alright to have another drink or do you need to be going soon?

Therefore, you could look at your watch and exclaim "Oh, it's still early, I most certainly am - in fact, it's even earlier than I thought, so I've got time for a double, please!"

Thus, that same awkwardness he was counting on making you feel in order to get out of buying you a drink has turned right back around and bitten him square on the bahookie!*

Or you could act like a functioning member of society and say what drink you want in return to this perfectly normal question phrasing...

MarshaBradyo · 07/01/2020 20:22

Nope no dodgers I know. He was though.

Op you’ll have to report back if you meet up again.

LolaSmiles · 07/01/2020 20:22

Usually on nights when we’re buying fairly often and at different paces but it’s never meant as a way of avoiding a round, just checking who’s ready for another.
That's how I understand it. I'd find it weird if I'd offered and then just after I offered someone went to the bar to buy a drink.

It's also a good way of buying drinks for people without everyone feeling they have to keep up in rounds to keep count of presumed cheeky fuckery (though judging by this thread some people really do count drinks and think everyone should drink at exactly the same pace and have new drinks at the same time).

Original poster
SproutMuncher · 07/01/2020 20:24

it seems no matter how many people say this, OP is still set on thinking badly of this poor chap

@2020newme have you read the thread? I accepted on page 2 that I was being unreasonable and have said more than once that given other people say this to mean he is offering, then I am happy to accept he did as well.

OP posts:
LolaDarkdestroyer · 07/01/2020 20:25

I would take it as him "reluctantly" offering as if saying mmm you've not finished your drinks yet you are alright for a drink, if he was offering he would have probably said "what's everyone else having?"

SunshineAngel · 07/01/2020 20:26

I say that when it looks like people still have drinks, but I'm buying myself another (as I'll always buy one for whoever wants one when I'm getting up - but I'm not queuing them up for people!)

Notso · 07/01/2020 20:27

I've said this before and would get a drink for anyone who said yes.
However I'm more likely to say it in a situation where I've turned up later than others and people already have drinks or it's a group of people I don't really know and am unsure of the etiquette with regards to rounds.

UndertheCedartree · 07/01/2020 20:27

@CallofDoodee - this was refering to those that voted 'YABU' and those people are saying they see that phrase as offering a drink. So while you may not see it that way it seems most of us do.

UndertheCedartree · 07/01/2020 20:28

To be fair @SproutMuncher did accept the Mumsnet jury early on!

mcmooberry · 07/01/2020 20:29

I read this earlier and was surprised by the responses. He had just had 2 drinks bought for him by people he had only just met, imo he should have made absolutely sure he bought a round, it did sound a grudging way of asking imo.

IrregularCommentary · 07/01/2020 20:30

I'm East Midlands and often offer/am offered drinks in this way.

As pp have said, it's just a shorthand for "are you alright for a drink, or would you like one?"

Not tight, not trying to get out of anything, just a different way of asking.

Doubleraspberry · 07/01/2020 20:31

It’s not really any different to waiting to be served at a counter and being asked ‘you alright there?’. The server isn’t forcing you to say you’re not OK and request service, just asking you what you’d like.

CallofDoodee · 07/01/2020 20:35

We are just going round in circles now. To me it's a pharse I hear around all the time and I've never come across it in a negative way.
Maybe I just have decent mates who don't dodge as some of you seem to have.

It's a phrase I hear a lot too, but not in the context the OP described.

I am cringing at the thought of asking someone who I owed a drink to 'are you alright for a drink?'

Of course they're not alright for a drink, you owe them a drink!

MissConductUS · 07/01/2020 20:51

AIBU to think that the custom of buying rounds causes confusion, hard feelings and possibly people consuming more alcohol than they really want to?

notacooldad · 07/01/2020 20:55

I read this earlier and was surprised by the responses. He had just had 2 drinks bought for him by people he had only just met, imo he should have made absolutely sure he bought a round, it did sound a grudging way of asking imo

If people have already got a drink and someone is having one 'between rounds' this expression is also used. It doesn't mean that someone won't fall in line during the next round

SwedishEdith · 07/01/2020 20:56

Last night I went to the pub with 3 friends, one of whom brought her new(ish) partner, so there were 5 of us. I arrived last, and said I was going to the bar and asked if anyone would like a drink, to which they all said yes and I bought the round - fine.

Had there already been a round when you arrived?
Maybe he doesn't know how long he'll be with your friend so isn't that bothered about buying you all a drink?
But, yes, if you wanted another drink, you should have just said so, "Oh, go on, I'll have another xxx then".

managedmis · 07/01/2020 20:57

It’s not really any different to waiting to be served at a counter and being asked ‘you alright there?’.

^

It's totally different! You don't buy the waiter drinks!

Sickandscared · 07/01/2020 21:04

Yanbu. Yes that phrase can be used as pps have pointed out but the key detail here is how he asked his girlfriend differently to the rest of you -

"I'm going to the bar, is it a red wine you want?" should have been followed by clarifying what drinks you were all having.

He was already standing - on his way - when he asked you. And his wording is a leading question, it encouraged you to say you were alright.

I would be embarrassed if my boyfriend behaved like that. Letting the ladies go to the bar twice then skipping his round - UGH!!!

UndertheCedartree · 07/01/2020 21:14

@CallofDoodee - well, I think this is another way people are different. If I don't want another drink - I won't have another one even if someone 'owes' me. It's strange to me to have another drink for the sake of it over something so petty.

TheRealShatParp · 07/01/2020 21:18

Nope, I wouldn’t have taken that as an offer.
It’s a bit like when someone offers you something, but then follows it with ‘or are you alright.’ Well I guess I’m alright.

CallofDoodee · 07/01/2020 21:23

If I don't want another drink - I won't have another one even if someone 'owes' me. It's strange to me to have another drink for the sake of it over something so petty.

Yes, but it's much less awkward to say 'no thanks' to someone who has expressly offered you a drink, than have to clarify that you do want a drink to someone who has been ambiguous about whether they want to buy you one.

Babymamaroon · 07/01/2020 21:26

I see what you're saying. It was an offer that made it awkward to say yes.

I'd have responded with 'oh yes please I'll have another'.

But I appreciate not everyone would feel comfortable being so forthright.

DontGoIntoTheLongGrass · 07/01/2020 21:28

Around here it's taken as I'm getting myself a drink only and no one else but I don't want to look tight so I'll make a resentful offer.

But that's just here Grin

LotteLupin · 07/01/2020 21:31

He was modestly offering you a drink. He felt maybe a bit embarrassed in front of everyone and wasn't sure how to put it. He was definitely asking if anyone wanted a drink. You should have just bloody said yes.

Fluesome · 07/01/2020 21:35

I had never thought about this distinction before, but I agree - whenever I say “are you alright for a drink?” it’s when I assume they don’t want one. Either I can see that the person has already got a nearly full drink, or they’ve said they’re leaving soon, or someone else is off buying for them.

Otherwise I’d say “what are you drinking?”

YANBU.

I hate doing rounds though, such a hassle if you end up owing people a drink and you just want to go home!

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