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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think asking “Are you alright for a drink”? Is not offering someone a drink?

442 replies

SproutMuncher · 07/01/2020 16:53

Last night I went to the pub with 3 friends, one of whom brought her new(ish) partner, so there were 5 of us. I arrived last, and said I was going to the bar and asked if anyone would like a drink, to which they all said yes and I bought the round - fine.

When we finished our drinks, one of my friends did the same - fine.

When my friend’s boyfriend finished his drink, he asked his girlfriend if she wanted a another red wine, then as he got up to go, said to the rest of us “are you guys alright for a drink?”. We all said we were fine but it narked me a bit.

I know it isn’t a massive deal and actually this aside I really liked the guy, but just interested in people’s thoughts. AIBU to think this isn’t really offering to buy us drinks at all?

OP posts:
CastawayMay · 08/01/2020 18:50

Im with you OP. That's not an offer it's an assumption that you, at present, do not need a drink! In no way an offer!!

Bbq1 · 08/01/2020 18:52

I disagree with the majority of replies. If someone is offering another person a drink, especially if the people don't know each other well, the person offering should say "Would you like a drink?". This guy clearly didn't want to buy a round. It's like he's asking but asking in such a way you were almost forced to say you were ok. He was basically saying, "You don't need drinks". YNBU.

bobsyourauntie · 08/01/2020 18:53

YANBU , if anyone says this to me I get the impression that they are not really offering. Most people say "who wants a drink". If you say " are you ok for drinks" I would take it that the person was saying "you don't need one".

This is why I stick to buying my own drinks and don't get involved in round buying, especially as a single person.

cptartapp · 08/01/2020 18:53

I'm with you OP. That's not an offer in my book either and I'd be narked too. Watch him next time.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/01/2020 19:07

No, I’m with you on this one op.
It’s subtle but it’s like instead of saying “would you like a drink” he’s saying “I’m presuming that you don’t want a drink but I’ll get you one if you really want it”
He’s tight - no doubt about it.

magratvonlipwig · 08/01/2020 19:08

He didnt want to buy a drink so offered in a begrudging way. Id have said i was fine even if I really wanted one , because hed asked in such a way.

CharlottesPleb · 08/01/2020 19:12

This means "do you want a drink".

Correct response is Yes, please.

RainbowMoonbeam · 08/01/2020 19:14

That's clearly an offer to buy a round

IamAporcupine · 08/01/2020 19:21

Lol do you have issues understanding English? “Are you alright for a drink?” Is literally asking “would you like me to purchase a drink for you?”.

Erm, no. It is definitely not literally asking 'would you like a drink'.

I am not a native English speaker, and while I can see that in parts of the country this might be a way of offering a drink, it is really not an intuitive or direct question. As other PP have said, the question is phrased in a way that makes it more difficult to answer yes.

Also, as others have also said, if this was his normal way of talking he would have asked everyone the same question, but he didn't.

Butchyrestingface · 08/01/2020 19:42

As other PP have said, the question is phrased in a way that makes it more difficult to answer yes.

I am a native speaker. It is considered a perfectly normal and intuitive way of asking if anyone wants a drink where I hail from. Nor does anyone seem to have any difficulty in saying ‘yes’ in reply! Wink

Honeyroar · 08/01/2020 19:50

I’m a native speaker too and I think it’s a leading question that suggests the person being asked should reply they’re fine as they are. It’s not a direct question. It’s a pretty poor way of phrasing it imo. I’d feel awkward saying yes.

AceOfShades · 08/01/2020 20:14

Nope YANBU
He did it exactly that way so you'd say No. I've met so many tight arses who try it this way and I always say 'no actually I'm not, I'll have a large G&T. Thanks!"
Its CF behaviour.

RainbowAlicorn · 08/01/2020 20:31

Ok I haven't RTFT, I got to about page 6, but I am from the East Midlands and are you alright for a drink is genuinely offering around here. Both my DM and my DF say it all the time to me and I say it to my DH, he on the other hand is from the South and he says 'do you want a drink?'

pusscat1 · 08/01/2020 20:38

Yes I completely get what you mean - he’s offering in a way where he’s making it clear you can’t ask for a drink. How are you even supposed to answer that? Erm no I’m not alright for a drink? Ie I’d like one please - he’s clearly implying that he’s not really asking. Very rude considering you and a friend both bought one for him. Anyone who says that they’d have asked for a drink clearly isn’t understanding what he means.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 08/01/2020 21:16

Id see that as an offer. If its not, he's a real optimist thinking people will feel its a subtle cue to say I'm OK thanks. I don't pick up on subtle stuff like that & suspect a lot of people wouldn't either.

Many people do respond exactly like that, though. It might not be using both barrels but this is how CFs work (whether that was his intention or not), by using subtlety and deniability in the hope that people will feel awkward and respond in the CF's desired way, but with a way of justifying their actions if challenged on it.

YOU may not be, but a lot of people (especially women) are socialised to feel embarrassed and awkward by default for no reason whatsoever - just look at the other recent thread about not pooing at work, where probably 85-90% of posters said that they feel very uncomfortable at the thought that somebody might possibly hear them using a toilet for one of its main intended purposes.

Many clearly disagree with me on this, but "Are you alright....?" naturally suggests one of two expected responses:

A. Yes, I am alright - i.e. you don't need to do anything;
B. No, I'm not alright - i.e. there's a problem I need your help with.

Neither of these answers is suitable in this scenario. Assuming that you do want another drink (and, if you're doing rounds and you've taken your turn, they effectively owe you one anyway), you don't have any kind of problem that you need them to assist with - you would just like another drink as part of the enjoyment of your social evening.

BingoLittlesUncle · 08/01/2020 21:18

That expression has always meant offering to get a round in where I come from (S London).

FelicisNox · 08/01/2020 21:23

Of course that's what it means? What else is it supposed to mean?

Are you under the age of 30 because ever since I was a child and I was out at the social club with my family, friends and neighbours the standard "are you alright for a drink" plus drinky hand gesture was the standard.

The only way you won't know this is if you're in your 20's.

As for the other comments suggesting he's encouraging you to say no by the way it's put: REALLY?

That really is a leap into the imagination. If someone said to me "are you alright for a drink?" and my glass was empty I would happily wave it at them as say "ooooh thanks, make mine a ......." because that's what you say. It's not remotely difficult and the aforementioned excuses are from people with no beans to speak up.

Dear me. Talk about some serious projection. 🙄

Jack80 · 08/01/2020 21:26

Some people say do you want a drink, some say are you ok for one it means the same thing

user1472151176 · 08/01/2020 21:29

Doesn't sound like he's offering to me.

Dozer · 08/01/2020 21:33

It was a half-arsed “offer”.

Also relevant that he waited for a lot of rounds / accepted drinks before “offering”.

CasperGutman · 08/01/2020 21:39

It's just a turn of phrase, an alternative way of asking if you want a drink. I very much doubt if he intended to make it awkward to say yes to a drink - certainly not consciously.

If i wanted a drink, i wouldn't reply "No, I'm not alright, please can you get me a G&T?" That would come across as very awkward and peculiar. I'd just say "Thanks, I'll have a G&T please."

Russellbrandshair · 08/01/2020 21:40

Of course it’s offering

SuperMeerkat · 08/01/2020 21:59

@SproutMuncher I think you just should have said ‘yes please’ and asked for a drink. Unfortunately the time has passed to get annoyed 😂 From your description I think I know someone like this and what we do with this person is either not get in a round or if he ever offers just say yes (bottle of Moët please!!) 😂

SuperMeerkat · 08/01/2020 22:00

*not get in a round with him I mean!

LolalolaLola · 08/01/2020 22:26

Where I'm from it's a genuine offer of a drink. Very commonly used. I've actually never considered that some people might not take it as a genuine offer, but I can now see how people might misconstrue.

So for people who live in areas where this isn't a common term, now you know! Just reply with what drink you want and if it's a genuine offer from someone who comes from an area where this term is used you're both happy. And if the offer IS disingenuous and they are hoping you will say you're fine so they don't have to get a round in, too bad so sad for the CF :D

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