Regret having children

[PumpkinP]

Does anyone else regret having children? I know it’s sounds awful and I will probably be flamed for this but I really can’t help the feeling of deep regret. I feel this way pretty much every day.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and wondered if it’s normal or if anyone else feels the same?

I think its fair to say that deciding to have children is the one decision you cannot go back on and its also not driven by rational thought patterns, or no one would do it. I have two boys (12 and nearly 10) and tbh have found it way harder than I expected even though I have a husband. As I type (I have just made my youngest DS come off the xbox for tantrumming and swearing), he is shouting at me and begging to go back on, I have said no. I also think it boils down to that old ladybird book. On the first page it says, the Mothers job is to look after the children, turn over the page and it says her other job is to do everything else, so true. I love my boys dearly and would do anything for them, but my god it is hard at times. I work for myself from home doing various things, we haven't really had any family support (MIL died when they were 4 and 7, and she couldn't help me on a regular basis, and cause I'm self-employed there is no boundary and non stop bills. Yes DH foots a lot of it but I really work as hard as I can for not very much money, also worry about my pension etc etc. I have a friend who is single and has no kids, during an argument in the Summer my DH said to me I think you would have been happier if you had stayed on your own like x, there are times when I think he had a point. I hate the lack of appreciation that goes with Motherhood, you really do come low down on the priority list and are expected to just suck it up. It does get easier in a lot of respects as they get older, but I cannot wait until I can work more, have more flexibility with work, go out at weekends and in the evenings without having to worry about childcare. I think you have to fight really hard to keep sight of yourself. Take care of yourself OP

OP, you have some good advice upthread. You need sharp focus and military routine to make your circumstances work. Establish routine for all the kids and stick to it - this will make life so much easier for everyone involved. I agree with pp that teaching your 7, 5 yo and even 2 yo (starting with very simple tasks) to help with chores is paramount as well as teaching all of your kids as much independence as possible. Everyone should be assigned chores like washing up/dishwasher (un)loading/putting dirty clothes into washing/ putting away their clothes & toys/ preparing school bag for the next day for 7 and 5 yo, the eldest helping the younger ones. Involving them in meals planning as well (not dragging them along in a supermarket but them going on a mission to source ingredients for family meals and on a budget). Make it a bit more playful (instead of taking rubbish out your 5 yo playing Thomas the tank and making an important delivery etc.). You have to keep your attitude positive around your kids (they don’t need many expensive things but love of their parent is absolute must) - you have better chance of enjoying their company more that way. Appoint your 7yo as responsible, tell him you need his help with the younger siblings - at 7 the early childhood is over really, that’s when critical thinking develops. Yes, your kids will have to grow up faster, but that will make them more resilient, which is in itself a very important life skill. Tell your 7 yo, that you as a family may not have many resources but the fact there are many of you is your strength. We underestimate ourselves and our children in particular - they are capable of much more than we give them credit for. Use every resource you’ve got. Become part of a community - join a local church or find large families group in your area - you may find a lot of support there on many different levels. Good luck op- it will require a lot of work but can absolutely be done. I know of a lovely family where a single mother brought up 6 kids on her own (bereavement + a useless abusive exh), and the dynamic of that family and bond among all the kids is truly enviable. All her kids are grown up now, all doing very well and thriving (4 brother started their own successful business, all went to uni etc.). And keep things in perspective, don’t worry about the pressures of modern-day competitive parenting and other unnecessary things - after all, Elon Musk was brought up by a single mother of 3

Would it be possible to speak to you privately regarding regretting having children? If you are happy to do so of course.

xx

Have you only felt this way since your situation changed with their father leaving and you becoming a single parent? I think that's really understandable.

I'd find it less so if you felt this way after 1 and then continued to have 3 more but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

THREAD IS FROM JANUARY
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Yes a lot of the time. Mostly though because the eldest (Now an adult) is disabled and will need 24/7 care/support for the rest of his life. I love him of course I do but I literally never stop thinking about him and worrying about him. I feel very jealous when I see middle aged couples having fun now their kids are grown up And know that won’t ever happen.

No as i have one, if i had more i would have though so one reason i only have one

I don't regret having my two boys. They're hard work at times but they give everything I do real meaning. Without them in my life I think I would be living with regret right now. Your kids won't be the ages they are forever, even though it feels like it right now. You only borrow them a short time. When you're older you'll be glad you did this.

@PumpkinP

No I’m a lone parent.

Do you work?

As a single parent you’re bound to feel overwhelmed.

I think this is quite common, but it's not talked about as it's a huge taboo.

On threads where people are unsure and the childfree by choice threads you always get comments saying you only regret what you don't have etc, but it's simply not true.

Yes and no. I love my daughter. My life would be easier without having to consider the needs of a 9year old. As much as I enjoy her company a part of me looks forward to her going to college so I can go back to entirely suiting myself. I feel similar about my dog and my boyfriend! I love them but at least a few times a week I daydream about them all getting lost at sea together 😂

oh i have no idea how i would manage in your situation.....thats totally normal. you have sole responsibilities for four kids one with SEN. Absolutely understandable that you are overwhelmed. Who wouldnt be. My partner always says - kids ruined my life but I love our kid. And I sort of agree.....we had a great life before DC and now, especially during covid our life is definitely work plus DC which is much more limited than before.

Dont feel bad but maybe see if you can get any help! Just getting up in the morning and doing it all again is pretty damn good

Even if you regret having kids if you didnt have them you might have regretted that too. Its impossible to know how you will have felt in both situations.

I love my son more than anything and tried so, so hard to conceive him. Lots of ivf, losses and anxiety around being pregnant.

Then when he came, wow. I didn't feel the Instant love, more like Instant awareness that he depends fully on me. I despised breastfeeding and honestly I've never been so tired.

He's almost one now. I don't regret it, I'd never be without him.

My life has changed so much, not just physically E.g my body (thanks 10lb 1oz chunk) but I realised how I've just become a "mother" I've lost myself quite a lot.

I'm still working things out, if I knew then what I knew now.. maybe I mightn't of had kids? There's so much worry, planning, fest, anxiety.

But then he does something so funny or just smiles at me and I know I'd never want to be without him.

It's a really tough one. Nothing prepares you for it

Fest should be fear

Yes I do a bit but I know I would regret not having them if I hadn't had them. There are so many messages in our culture that propel us headlong into motherhood. I call it the Motherhood Myth.

@leckford

I never wanted kids so did not have any. We have a nice life and do what we want when we want. In the world of horse people it is very common not to have any and be quite happy with just a horse/s.

In an over populated world the planet does not need any more humans

Helpful(!)

No I haven’t but I have always wanted children and love having 3. Never doubted any of it even though number 3 wasn’t planned and dh wasn’t pleased and I still find it really difficult sometimes and my dh is still here. What I mean is despite always wanting this it’s still hard and so I’m
Not surprised with all the extra pressures you have that you are thinking like this. Have you additional support for your eldest? What is getting more difficult in particular?

For me I think on some level I will always be somewhat in mourning for the "other" path I could have gone on, where I waited longer before becoming tied down. I think that's natural, I love what I have but I am aware it has essentially put certain other experiences in life out of the realms of possibility. When you're hyper aware of only having one life, there's always going to be a bit of sadness in every life altering decision.

I knew a few guys , my brother in particular, , who after reluctantly agreeing to having a child soon regretted it. In my brothers case, having to remain in a high pressure job he hated affected his mental health quite badly and with zero sympathy from my SIL he took a 6 month contract in New York, only he never came back.

This thread is from JANUARY.
But to answer the question. No regrets ever, even in the very worst of times, and there have been a lot.

@Lenny1234

Would it be possible to speak to you privately regarding regretting having children? If you are happy to do so of course.

xx

For heavens sake, an obvious journo revived a zombie.

What's the origin of "Zombie" , some 1950's American Sci-fi comic strip ?.

@VickySunshine

What's the origin of "Zombie" , some 1950's American Sci-fi comic strip ?.

You mean the word itself? I think it’s from Haitian voodoo folklore originally, and meant corpses that could be brought back to life by magic, and then it crossed over into novels and films in the 20thc.

There is another side to the coin when you choose to be childfree as I did. I wanted to develop a career and travel. I did these things and never regretted it. However there are people who see it as selfish and self serving. They forget that our taxes go to subsidise other peoples chosen lifestyle in the form of child allowance, maternity leave and other handouts.