Regret having children

[PumpkinP]

Does anyone else regret having children? I know it’s sounds awful and I will probably be flamed for this but I really can’t help the feeling of deep regret. I feel this way pretty much every day.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and wondered if it’s normal or if anyone else feels the same?

How can you regret having children? If you had 1 and then thought, oh god, it's not all that great, I can understand. But to have multiple kids and think that?
I hope you come to terms with your life as it is now. Acceptance is key.

This is why I’m probably not going to have children... shit scared of regretting it, and them picking up on it

@sneakysnoopysniper

There is another side to the coin when you choose to be childfree as I did. I wanted to develop a career and travel. I did these things and never regretted it. However there are people who see it as selfish and self serving. They forget that our taxes go to subsidise other peoples chosen lifestyle in the form of child allowance, maternity leave and other handouts.

just like our taxes subsidise your choices, like our kids’ taxes will in the future?

I dont get the logic of 'its selfish not to have children' why is it selfish?

It is not all sunshine and roses if you DON'T have children either.

I am 36 and it is looking very likely that I won't have children.
For several reasons- I am single and don't want them by myself. And because my parents weren't great and I am terrified of being a terrible mother. Also, I am worred about the overwhelming responsibility.

However being 36, single and childfree is not loads of fun.
Sometimes I really wish that I had a partner and that I had children to love.

Without any children, the future seems to stretch ahead of me, boring and lonely.

And I have spent the last year travelling and backpacking. But alone. And it was still very lonely.

I would love some one to love

I wasn't madly enthusiastic about having children, but DH was and I gave up a good career to start a family.The first baby died when he was tiny and I have cherished every minute with the others and love them absolutely unconditionally.
It's a long and ever changing journey, raising children, and I often feel bad about the world they will have to live in when I am gone.

I don't at all.

But I only have 2 of them, I have a supportive DH, a good job I enjoy.

Is it possible you dont truly regret having children OP, I think you are struggling with your circumstances (having four of them, together with being a lone parent). I think the fact that this started after you found yourself alone with 4 to deal with is no coincidence.

I dont get the logic of 'its selfish not to have children' why is it selfish?

I think what people are trying to articulate is that it requires huge selflessness to constantly place your children's needs first, as most parents do. People are extrapolating that to conclude that people who choose not to are unwilling to put themselves in that position where they must put their childrens needs first. Of course this isnt true.

I can't imagine a world without my children, and they are the very best thing that has ever happened to us, but that is not to say it is not tiring and worrying at times. You are parenting all four alone, it sounds extremely hard.

Your children are here now, so working out a way to make this better and more enjoyable is probably the way forward now op. You can't change it, so it is time to consider getting some proper help organised - speak to the HV about getting some extra support. Start getting them all involved in helping you in the home, plan at least one family afternoon a week so you can have fun with them, and know that even the hardest stages pass.

That's really tough to have 4 children under 10 and be in your own. I can't imagine you get any me time / selfcare. I had 2 children when I separated aged 8 and 10, it was tough but I struggled through. Used to just pack us all up an head out for the day rather than stay home and listen to them fight and squabble.
Also think about counselling to talk it through.

No not at all but then I have 2 easy pleasant NT girls a supportive Dh and resources. Your situation sounds bloody awful not surprised you feel as you do.

Prior to having children I spent some years on my own -very very lonely always wanting a relationship -up to my eyes in debt.
I'm up to my eyes in debt now and sometimes it is bloody hard -but as they get older it gets easier. Also because of the family dynamics -I do have a very very close relationship with eldest children in particular -myself and my parents are their only family. I do get on with them too -as people. I can't predict the future. The youngest is hard and wrap around care awful in terms of cost but I'm hoping over the next 5 years this eases as the older ones can do this. So the cost isn't so dire.

Doing it as a couple money wise -that would have been totally and utterly fine and taken a great deal of stress away leaving more good family time. But I couldn't control this. For me -why do I do what I do- because of my children. But in dark days when money issues mean I can't sleep -Yes I just want to curl up and be alone -but in 20 years time, I hope I'm an active granny -the money issues will be gone etc and that's when I will really appreciate even more what I have

@NotnowMalcolm has explained exactly how I feel and I hope my 2 girls choose not to have children.

@Sarahpaula I hope things improve for you soon, please don’t worry that you will be a bad mum because of how your mum was too you.

My mum was absolute rubbish, but I think I have done a good job in raising my two with my DH, ours are 19& 17 now I don’t regret a moment, they are really lovely young men & I have loved being their mum.

But it has highlighted my mums treatment of me over the years & made me feel worse about it, we are NC & have been for many years, once you have children yourself you know you could never treat your child the same way. So please don’t that stand in your way.

Good luck wishing you well for the future.

@Sarahpaula Please don't give up. I was in your situation at the same age, then everything came together. I have a lovely husband and one DD, which is perfect for us. I really, really understand how you feel, it's miserable. I hated being (or pretending to be) the cool, single globetrotter. I did enjoy it but was so lonely and happily swapped it for a very mundane life! Honestly, don't give up!

Do consider changing to a different school. I didn't expect much when my children (who have special needs - and I'm a single mum) left their first horrible school. But it really makes a big difference as the new schools are nicer (one is a special school).

Yes.

I look at the world that I've brought them into and I worry myself sick - especially about my DD who is Asperger's and finds relationships very difficult. She is 33, but incredibly emotionally vulnerable.

Given my time over again, I would stick to dogs.

I think telling OP she must have post natal depression is very dismissive of her feelings. Being a parent is thankless serfdom a lot of the time and people telling you there must be something wrong with you to feel that are not helpful. I love my children dearly but sometimes fantasise about being a gay couple (with my husband) and travelling the world and doing stuff for ME without feeling guilty because I should be doing something for my children instead. I get you OP. (Gay couple to avoid social pressures and judgement of being a woman without children BTW)

No. I'm also very wary of anyone who thinks that if they had done xyz instead of abc that their life would have been wonderful and perfect and without issues. Sure, you wouldnt have the disadvantages of having kids but you would have had another set of issues instead and would always be then wondering "maybe my life would have been better with kids" etc.

I'm not saying choice regret doesnt exist, I am saying that this mythical carefree life without kids would not be the panacea to all your problems that you think it will be. Of the people I know, people without kids face just as many difficult life events, catastrophes and life irritations as the ones with kids do- they just face different ones is all.

I guess what I'm saying is- be careful what you wish for. There is no magical "path to happiness". if there was, we would all be doing it.

YES! Exactly the same, I feel they deserve so much better then I offer them. I hate the fact I am nothing more than a mum. I work, come home parent, work - parent and thanks to working in a school, for cheaper childcare, all my free time is being a mum. I got asked the other day what my hobbies were and I realised I have nothing.

You sound depressed OP, that’s a lot of hard work. If you genuinely regretted becoming a mum you wouldn’t have done it 3 more times surely. I feel for you, really I do, visit the GP.

I think resurrecting zombie threads like this must be so upsetting for the OPs

I wonder how she cooed with lockdown 😨

Despite the fact this thread is from January !! Yes (and I’ve also got 4, although very different ages) When they are all grown I will be 55 and I haven’t ever experienced life without children. I am looking at significant surgery to repair damage from carrying and birthing them, that effects my life (such as it is) daily and whilst I love them with every fibre of my being, I probably shouldn’t have had any of them but I did, so I do my best and I plan for the future; saving a little as I go with the intention of travel, overseas volunteering, and many other things, just for me, once they are grown.

This post is so old. Why you all shouting opinions when this is how she felt in January. Ffs.