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Original poster

Regret having children

262 replies

PumpkinP · 07/01/2020 14:02

Does anyone else regret having children? I know it’s sounds awful and I will probably be flamed for this but I really can’t help the feeling of deep regret. I feel this way pretty much every day.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and wondered if it’s normal or if anyone else feels the same?

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 07/01/2020 14:31

I definitely wouldn't have children again if I could go back in time.
I love my kids but I do regret becoming a parent.
It's relentless (I say that as someone with adult kids!) and expensive and emotionally exhausting.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/01/2020 14:32

No I don’t have any support, I have my dad but he is physically disabled so doesn’t help out and my sister, but she sees them as my responsibility and only helps out if there is an emergency (think one needs to go to hospital, that kind of thing) she wouldn’t help for me to just have a break. I am a sahm as my oldest has autism. I just wish I could turn back the time.

OP posts:
WanderingMilly · 07/01/2020 14:32

I understand, op. Please don't feel guilty. I had children, they are grown up now. I love them to bits and gave my whole self for them but I did used to regret having children too. I was also a lone parent for a while (not while they were tiny).

My regret is "having children", not regretting my own specific children whom I love.....if that makes sense. I also look at people who've decided not to have kids and envy them...I could have done so many things instead. But I also have guilt that I didn't do enough with my own children too....it was so hard at the time, I spent more time 'coping' with having kids rather than enjoying them.

I can't give you an answer but I do understand. And I think parenthood is full of loads of guilt, especially motherhood. I would do things differently if I had my time again. Be kind to yourself, you are not alone....

SummerPavillion · 07/01/2020 14:33

I wouldn't have had them if I'd known xh was going to leave us. Being a single mum was my worst fear (and he knew it).

While they limit my freedom ENORMOUSLY I think looking back over my life I'll be glad I had them.

Really want more free time to find another relationship though. It's hard.

Btw I love them more than I could say.

Flowers OP you have a heavy load to carry.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/01/2020 14:34

Why did you have four children? That would have broke me. One or two is manageable

I wonder this everyday. It’s too much, especially alone. And I’m struggling with it. The youngest wasn’t planned and I couldn’t go through with an abortion. At that time life was different though, I was with their father but he left me when I was pregnant with the youngest and hasn’t had contact since.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 07/01/2020 14:38

I don't regret having them but I do think I could have been just as happy without them, but in a different way. It sounds like you have a great deal on your plate and it's no wonder you're struggling.

Jomarchsburntskirt · 07/01/2020 14:38

If you’re managing four little ones I’m not surprised you’re feeling regretful. That is a lot for anyone to deal with. I would hope it will get better for you as they grow and become less dependent on you for every little thing 💐

ChipsyChopsy · 07/01/2020 14:39

Regret is quite a broad word. I think a lot of women with children regret the decision to become mothers. The work, the worry, the shift in lifestyle, money, outlook. The days before children seem carefree by comparison and it can be difficult to reconcile a decision that was made without full understanding (because nobody fully understands what it means to become a mother until they are one).

But that's different to regretting their existence. I don't regret that they were born and that they have a life. I don't regret that they are my children or that I'm their mum. I don't wish for a different experience.

Depression and/or anxiety will skew your beliefs. Many struggle with this job. It's tough. And it sounds that you have it tougher than average.

inwood · 07/01/2020 14:39

Honesty op i would feel regretful with 4. It's too much to deal with on your own. You need to find some strategies. Is your eldest going to school. Can you get some p t work around that just for interaction with other adults?

bumblenbean · 07/01/2020 14:40

I’m not sure I actually regret having them but I find it really, really hard and frequently miss my old pre-kids life and wonder if I’m cut out to be a mum. I love them of course and they do bring me joy but also a load of stress anxiety and exhaustion. I sometimes feel I’m too selfish to be a parent and I do envy women who are child-free by choice.

But I do think it’s incredibly hard when they’re young and will hopefully get easier. Also I’m almost certain that if I hadn’t had kids I would regret not experiencing it (of course in that situation I wouldn’t know what it was like to have them)...

anon2000000000 · 07/01/2020 14:40

Do you have real life support from your parents/kids dad/friends/etc?

You sound very overwhelmed op.

it's ok to feel how you feel.

nestisflown · 07/01/2020 14:42

Wow the children's father sounds awful. Are you getting maintenance? Not that that gives you a break but at least it helps a little financially. Will you have to stay at home even when your youngest is in school?

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 07/01/2020 14:43

I think you have been really brave reaching out with something that is sharing a real vulnerable part of you. Its a 'deepest fear' thing that actually is more problematic if you hold it in than express it.

What you have found is that you are not alone in this feeling. Its a feeling though that unmasks deep dissatisfaction.

I encourage you to really spend some time thinking about what does make your heart sing.

And even if its baby steps , make steps towards doing some of that.

To find something that makes your heart sing, I would ask you to try to take your mind off this for a few minutes and look at what you used to choose to do when you were a child. Was it read, dance, theatre, craft, fish, ice skake, ballet?

Then make a plan to do this thing at least once a week/fortnight/month.

Awareness needs to lead on to action as without action it is easy to sink into further despair.

You have been brave to reach out and so you can make changes and put yourself higher up the list in your life.

Christmaspug · 07/01/2020 14:44

I’ve 2 with autism ,and yes I frequently feel the same,but that’s because one is not in education at all ,and the other is only In education 3 hours a day ,so I get overwhelmed,.sorry u feel like this op

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 07/01/2020 14:47

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MissB83 · 07/01/2020 14:49

I think regret is the wrong word because I adore my son and he's changed my life in so many positive ways but I feel like I underestimated how much hard work it would be to be a mum and perhaps overestimated my patience/abilities! I have been suffering from PND which can make me quite negative about it but have essentially been exhausted for two years. I'm also a lone parent but only got one - I have absolutely no idea how you cope with 4.

DDIJ · 07/01/2020 14:49

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FramingDevice · 07/01/2020 14:49

I don’t think it’s all that rare, OP — search for other similar threads on here. But I think the key thing is, given that you have your children, what kind of help and support you need now to make life with them more bearable.

What do you think would help?

Banchorylass · 07/01/2020 14:51

If you regret having children why did you have 4, why not stop at just 1.

Multigloves · 07/01/2020 14:53

I'm sorry to see you've had some less then helpful responses when all you have tried to do is reach out for help.

Personally I don't regret having my son, but my circumstances are considerably easier then yours. I'm sure if I had four children, one with a disability and was a lone parent with no help I would certainly have moments when I felt regret.

It sounds to me that you are just really down at the moment, which is not surprising considering what you are dealing with.

I wonder if you need to make friends with other single parents, so that you at least have some emotional support?

CallMeRachel · 07/01/2020 14:54

Yes if I'm completely honest.

I only managed to have one, having him seemed to trigger massive issues around my own parents and my upbringing and my MH has really suffered. Anxiety off the scale and a child that just wouldn't behave. Lost my career and left subsequent jobs because of it.

If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have got pregnant.

I love my son but I've completely lost myself and get nothing back for it.

Almost 17 years on and suffering the lack of sleep as he's in and out late at night. There's no rest.

Inherdefence · 07/01/2020 14:59

I can sympathise. I only regretted having children when the oldest one developed a serious mental illness. My heart aches for them when they are suffering and I can’t fix it and I also feel terrible for the knock on effect it has on the younger ones. If I could be sure that at some point the oldest would be cured and we could move on on, I would have some hope but as it is things look very bleak.

Enb76 · 07/01/2020 15:00

I sometimes think it's a kind of mourning or grief for the life you might have had rather than true regret. I do think you need some support, have you tried Gingerbread? www.gingerbread.org.uk/community/single-parent-groups/

Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/01/2020 15:01

Glad to hear I’m not alone. Like I said I have felt this way for the last two years.
My youngest is 3 in may so I didn’t feel this way before I had 4. My oldest has asd and is getting harder and harder. Everyone said it would get easier as she got older but it’s harder. My ex has disappeared and left me to do this alone. And no he doesn’t pay maintenance as he isn’t working or claiming benefits they said.

OP posts:
C1239 · 07/01/2020 15:05

I think it’s lovely that you feel you can speak on here about how you feel. I am mid 30s, I have two stepchildren but have never really felt I would have my own biological children. I enjoy my stepchildren but feel massive pressure from friends, family, society to have my ‘own’ and often it makes me feel really anxious that I will regret not having any even though I’m normally quite sure it’s right for me so thank you to all those women who are honest about the difficult parts of being a mother than aren’t spoken about enough.