Regret having children

[PumpkinP]

Does anyone else regret having children? I know it’s sounds awful and I will probably be flamed for this but I really can’t help the feeling of deep regret. I feel this way pretty much every day.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and wondered if it’s normal or if anyone else feels the same?

I'm not the best parent I could be. Sometimes I do feel that it was a mistake for me personally, to become a parent and that someone else could probably have given my children a better life. But I can't imagine a world without them in it, and to be honest if I wasn't a parent I'm not sure what else I'd be doing with myself. I was never going to be a career high flier and I don't really have any talents or skills. So at least I'm busy!

I do though often worry about whether, things being as they are planet situation wise, I should have brought new lives into the world.

No-one could blame you for regretting your situation - unsupported single parent to 4 young dcs, one with autism would be hard on anyone. Of course you'd like to wave a magic wand and be in a different situation.

But what you are doing is pretty amazing. You have taken responsibility for your dcs, unlike your dp who has walked away. Your dcs are dependent on you sticking with them and you haven't let them down.

Are there things you could do to make your life easier? Go to playgroups and meet other parents perhaps and find help with autistic dc? I think you need to be kinder to yourself and find a little support. Given your experience you will also be very good at supporting other struggling parents.

Don't hesitate to ask for help. You have done brilliantly this far but you need help yourself if you are to support your dcs. Get involved in local forums, groups, churches, parent groups etc. Talk to your dcs' teachers and tell them you are struggling. Lots of people will want to help if they know you need help. Don't be too proud to ask.

I'm not sure it's regret having children per se. I think for many people it's the amount of children they have.

One is joyful, or is and was for me. But I think when you start to get to two, three, four, or more, it becomes very very different. I know with my friends with more than one it's very different, from costs, to childcare, to sibling rivalry to differing needs, to additional work.

And I see it all the time on here, about not having an only child. I always think why the hell not. So many siblings hate each other, it's stressful for the parents, expensive, and takes over your life the more you have. With one you're more disposable income, more time, and you can still have a life. And it's a sliding scale down. And the more you have, the less money, time and life outside kids you have.

Wanting a child is a natural instinct for many people. I think understanding the implications of having many children is what potentially leads to difficulty and regret.

Hope that didnt sound like a rant. I'm trying to say you have taken on a huge task so deserve some support yourself.

I don't have children for a variety of reasons because of which a lot of my female family & friends feel they can express their feelings to me.
They all regret having children.
They all went into it blind - not having younger siblings, having been around small children much or seeing others' family lives - so the reality of being a parent was far more of shock.
They had no real idea about how childbirth could permanently affect their bodies in such a negative way.
The women also all resented how the bulk of everything fell on them. They'd all chosen forward-thinking intelligent men, men who believed in equality for women yet add a child into the mix and suddenly the old prejudices flood to the surface. The women were expected to do the majority of childcare, it was assumed their careers were to be put on hold whilst the husbands lives continued as normal.
Plus some of them were sandwiched between raising small children and dealing with elderly parents (a care duty that often fell on them by default as male siblings assumed the sister would deal with it).
I have no doubt that they love their children but all wish they could turn back time.
In your case it is far harder - raising children alone is exhausting. There might be a bit of PND in there but it's more likely you're just battling through every day and you can't take any more.
I truly hope you manage to get some help from somewhere. There is no reason to be ashamed of your feelings. You are a strong woman to have got this far. I wish you luck for the future.

I think we do a disservice to not talk to girls and young women about the sacrifices overs make and how vulnerable children make you. It's especially important for girls that come from abusive/dysfunctional homes as they have no sense of normal and are more at risk of repeating the pattern.

I don't regret mine but only because I had the means to make the misery go away when my oldest with ASD/reflux was an infant/toddler. I had a successful career before I had kids and only had the number I could suppor on my own if DH had fucked off into the middle distance. But that insight came from my own my mother who was a single mum who really struggled. If I couldn't have bought in help it would have a hellscape of an existence. People talk about "having a baby" but that's such a short bit of it. It's having another human being completely reliant on you. It's accepting and nuturing whatever you get including disabilities. It's a huge gamble. I wish women talked more about protecting themselves.

OP I would reach out to the health visiting team in your local area. They can get a bad rep, but they are there to support and provide signposting for people who are struggling. Just speaking to someone will help. A problem shared is a problem halved as they say. Your life sounds tough

We in this society have moved away from living in family groups, the tribe. This i believe has made parenting so much harder. We as a species are not ment to live in seperate, insular, scattered family groups. Then there is being a single parent added into the mix, this isolation is a massive issue....

For all of our forward and progressive outlooks, our society has not made parenting easy or supportive.

With one you're more disposable income, more time, and you can still have a life

Having more than one has benefits for the parents too. I can leave them both in the playroom or lounge and hide in my bedroom guilt free because i know they're not lonely.

On holiday recently, we sat in the restaurant in peace whilst they ran round the arcade together...

hmmm well now i am a mother i can certainly see the upsides of being child free, but of course i was desperately anxious i'd never have a baby in my twenties... I'm never happy with my lot/always wistful about the possibilities so i just don't dwell on it. i'd say being a mum is more fun now I can have a vague and surreal yet very specific conversation with my ds instead of him just glaring at me all day long.. but then i do sometimes rue the day we taught that little shit to speak!

Not at all. But I had massive regrets as soon as my eldest was born and that lasted a long time. Strangely becoming a single parent has been the making of me. I'm happier and more content since exP left than I ever was before. We're a team of 3 now, me and the kids, and I no longer regret having either of them. Its interesting how we're all wired differently.

Thank you so much for the supportive comments. I was honestly expecting to be flamed. I think I’m just finding it hard and I feel like if I didn’t have children I could just start again! Like I could start my life over and change things, but with all of them it feels impossible, honestly I feel like my life is over. Unfortunately the school are not helpful at all, I actually feel really judged by them and looked down on. I still feel there is a massive stigma to be a lone parent. My ex may aswell be dead that’s how it feels, and yes he is the same father to all. I can’t go anywhere as my daughter struggles with public transport or noisy places and when they are at school I’m too tired to do anything. I just can’t see it getting easier/better. It’s good to know I’m not alone in feeling this way, I couldn’t admit it to anyone irl as I know I would be judged harshly

I wouldn’t ever say I regretted it, but I am definitely just existing rather than thriving. I am just a shadow of who I was before I had children.

KundaliniRising has it spot on.
It's so important to have a support network. Parenting really should be a shared endeavour.
I have 4 and I love it. BUT I have a lot of help and support on a daily basis. I'm fortunate. Without it I would really struggle.
OP I'm sorry life is so tough right now for you. I really hope things begin to turn for the better. It is completely understandable that you feel as you do.

It will get easier op, that's the thing, it might take awhile yet, but it will get easier.

And I see it all the time on here, about not having an only child. I always think why the hell not. So many siblings hate each other, it's stressful for the parents, expensive, and takes over your life the more you have. With one you're more disposable income, more time, and you can still have a life. And it's a sliding scale down. And the more you have, the less money, time and life outside kids you have.

Yes to all this.

Threads like this just confirm my view that I’m better off sticking to one child. I think too many people have more than one because they think their child ‘needs’ a sibling, or just because it’s the done thing. I’m pretty sure I would regret a second child if I had one.

I completely understand why some people stop at one. I nearly did. DD was (and still is) a difficult child and I regretted having her hugely. However DS has changed the dynamic for us and I'm a better person with him in my life. Yes I would have more time and money without a second child but I think my relationship with DD and her behaviour would be worse without him to balance us out.

It sounds like you’re completely burnt out. You must be so tired and frazzled. And if the school aren’t helpful then that makes it worse. I don’t know what would be helpful but I do wonder if there is any way you could find a bit of time to do something for yourself. Like volunteering somewhere lovely. So your life isn’t completely consumed with them. Somewhere you can go and chat about other stuff that isn’t the kids.

If I could go back in time, i think id not have kids or bother with men much. I do love them though.
OP, your situation is challenging and you get no space. No wonder youre overwhelmed. As they get older youll have more time to yourself and will get your life back a bit x

OP a friend of mine has a child with Autism and managed to get this health plan in place from the council which funds a taxi to take them to school- think it is a special school. there is stuff can be done, it might take a bit of a push from you though. Hopefully some stuff like that might help you as time goes on. Kind thoughts

yes it’s true that siblings don’t always get on, my 7 and 5 year old are boys and they fight constantly, every day.

Op I think most people would feel this way in your shoes, I think if your child didn't have ASD you wouldn't feel this way. Before others judge, unless they've experienced that themselves they don't know how relentlessly hard parenting a child with ASD is (even if their own child has ASD some are harder than others).

My sibling has ASD so I can empathise with how hard I imagine it to be, I saw what my mum went through as a single parent and there were only two of us.

All I can say is take the advice suggested in here by people that know the system, ultimately social services woukd be better off giving your family more support than you breaking down.

Oh, and there's a special place in hell for men who walk out on 4 children, one having ASD and provide no support at all. What a dick.

I couldn’t read and run.
@PumpkinP you are an absolute warrior and heroine. I came in here thinking the exact title of your post. I have an 18 month and 3 month old and while the gap was intended to be small, this week I have definitely wished I could get a refund for this rollercoaster.
Being a mum is the hardest thing I have ever done and the fact you are doing it as a line parent with four is absolutely amazing. Please be kind to yourself, there is absolutely no shame in admitting how you feel and I don’t think it always has to be that a woman is depressed - some hours, days, weeks are so hard, you just want to run away, scream, punch a wall, get drunk without consequence .
I’m not sure if it’s an option, but maybe your local council might be able to offer short term respite care especially for your eldest?

Was told after DD was born l couldn't have any more....absolutely devastated because l so wanted her to have a sibling . Roll on a few years and l regularly thank God l only had one as it is draining...arguing with a small personal who knows everything. Can't cope with her mood swings..so no l don't regret having her but l do find myself wishing her life away a bit until a time she is a lovely young woman, not a mini teenager!! You are doing an amazing job l am sure, just haven't got anyone to tell you that - we all need a bit of self worth but kids don't always appreciate what we do, do they? Sending lots of hugs - def contact Homestart as others have said xx

I empathise with feeling judged by a school. I feel like my DC school don't "get" that my DC's dad will actively parent against me. We have to have everything separate because of his control issues towards me, but they still mix things up and ask me to share information as thought I'm being thick (we do not have direct contact!). It's as though schools expect two parents working together and can't adapt even when there are clear requests to keep information separate and they know we have been to court.

My youngest has ADHD and again school support minimal and my exH uses DS's differences to cause issues for me (lies to him!).

Try to be kind to yourself. You are not in an easy situtuation and it's human to wonder what if...