Regret having children

[PumpkinP]

Does anyone else regret having children? I know it’s sounds awful and I will probably be flamed for this but I really can’t help the feeling of deep regret. I feel this way pretty much every day.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and wondered if it’s normal or if anyone else feels the same?

No flaming or judgement from me, OP: I'm just in awe of the fact that you have four very young children and that you're looking after them on your own! I have two DC (both NT and healthy), and am a single parent. It's bloody hard work. I don't regret having them, but I certainly didn't even consider just how bloody hard it can be at times, and how your life can be completely turned upside down (through juggling childcare and work etc). A lot of my friends say the same thing.

One thing I do regret is not being more savvy (saving more money etc etc) when I was younger, and not choosing a career that is better paid (mainly so that it wouldn't be such a struggle each month - I LOVE my job though). I would say that I wish I had been more savvy re: the last two guys I was in a relationship with/married, but without them, I wouldn't have my beautiful kids (and in both cases, I didn't bank on the Ex walking)!!

I'll second what the others have said about seeing what help is available in your area for you. I honestly cannot imagine how hard you must work, and with no breaks or help. I'm not surprised you're feeling like this. x

That is very hard op you’ve been dealt a tough hand with the father of your dc. He is terrible to leave you all alone.

I don’t regret it, but I can see how hard it would be for you. Try to garner as much support as you can.

I appreciate everyones honesty. I've really struggled with it - you just don't know what it's going to be like and can't change your mind which means it going into the unknown. I can't imagine not having children now and how I would have coped with that - whether I would have felt unfilfilled. But I certanly haven't found the teenage years fulfilling - just stressful and felt condemned and bullied by them a lot of the time. Also have quite severe ASD here which makes it extra tough and for me very depressing.

I just take one day at a time in the hope it will get better one day.

OP I feel for you, so much. 4 DC is such a lot of work - and on your own, without regular support. I don't honestly know how you do it. You must be incredibly strong. and a hug, if you'd like one.

My DC are well into adulthood. If I am honest, I would not have chosen to have either of them. Neither was planned, just bad job at not planning. I don't think I was very good as a mother. I am not very 'domesticated' and much preferred my career to any home making. Sad to say, but true. I can see, looking back, how much I should have done differently. My relationship with one DC is terrible. The other, fine. However, both have struggled more than they should have and I feel so guilty that I caused much of that.

All of that being said, I have DGCs that I adore, and they are the light of my life. They wouldn't be here if their parents were not.

Regret it everyday, the anxiety, the responsibility, the exhaustion, my mental health has deteriorated but
It's not their fault, it's my problem and I have a strong sense of duty, care, kindness so I listen, support, encourage, love and also count down the months, years until they're 18 and i'm 'free'.
It is a sentence of care.
I want to tell my DD15 how hard it is without making her feel bad/guilty.
I'm an introvert, over anxious, over protective, over sensitive, over generous, she is similar.
I'm hoping she doesn't have children and go through what I did in terms of loneliness and fear.

I definitely regretted it when they were younger. I felt so trapped and like life was just one relentless boring mind numbing slog with literally no good bits to balance it out.

However now they are nearly 14 and 17 I don't regret it at all. They are so much more interesting, very independent, no babysitters required, I can go out on the spur of the moment, they do housework and cooking. Yes we have the teenage issues to deal with, the worrying never stops, but I am a lot happier despite that.

OP hang on in there you are definitely at a very very difficult stage. I'm sure you will start regretting it less as they get older.

I have three children. I was fine with my eldest, and my middle actually both were very much wanted planned pregnancies but my third wasn’t, I’m definitely battling feelings of resentment almost daily right now. I get very frustrated over how much mental and physical energy they require, how much money they cost, how I’m struggling with their constant shitty behaviour and crap listening. I know it will pass but right now honestly I’d happily leave them with their dad, I never get a break ever and if I do sitting a babysitter for three is some mammoth task that I usually can’t afford so I never do anything for myself. I’ve found myself wishing away the years until school starts, just for the reprieve.

I am a single mum to a 9 year old. Since splitting up with my ex husband, it has been awful. My son has ASD & overwhelming anxiety & I have the same. My family were obliterated by the split. If I could go back in time I would not have had children. You're not alone. People pretend a lot. And it's not something that is talked about.

I definitely wouldn't regret it if I'd had an emotionally and financially supportive partner and family support nearby.

That's what's made the difference for me. Too much responsibility all on my shoulders. I'm naturally quite a carefree independent person, so I now feel I'm in the wrong life.

Although xh was mostly useless I still often long for him to come back, to share the load.

We really should be living in bigger groups!

Having 4 children in itself is very hard. Having 4 and 1 with autism is extremely hard. Having 4 and bringing them up alone is an incredible achievement! Well done you. I would feel the same way as you in your situation. I have quite a few friends who have 4 children in stable, high income families and they all struggle sometimes. I think part of the problem is the expectation these days that you have to give 4 the same attention/diet/life etc. as you would if you had 1 or 2. This just isn't possible. Years ago large families were the norm and the older children had to help out, do lots of chores etc. I think these days my friends with big families feel guilty if the older children have to do more than their 1/2 child family friends, but I think this can actually be very good for children. As you have your children now, I would suggest thinking of ways to make things easier for you in the long run, simplest but healthy meal plans, children doing lots of chores etc, helping with the younger ones, giving you a break. It should become a little easier every year as the children grow up.

My mother had 3 babies in 3 years "to get it out of the way" and regretted it so much she told us daily we ruined her life.

She was not maternal, was ok with the baby stage as she liked complete control but as soon as the child was old enough to have their own mind she could not bear it, she went round saying " NO, BECAUSE I SAID SO" to any and every request until the children left home.

She would stay in her bedroom to read until we went to bed and then she's go down to watch TV.

She would shout " Get out of my sight!" If we passed her in the house by accident. We had no Interaction with her at all and food was pressure cooked onto toast waiting for us when we got home from school.

She was always upstairs in her room so never asked us about our day. If we needed her she would scream at us to go away.

She was extremely selfish ( think stashes of chocolate bars that were only for her, never to be shared) we only ever did what she wanted to do, literally walking on eggshells daily not knowing when she would erupt, constant and continual bad temper and openly wishing to kill us.

It was our normal. She should never had had children but hindsight is 20/20.

I thought all women were like that until I observed some of my friends mums' hugging and holding their children and I literally had never experienced that so I was in awe.

I went on to have 5 DC who I love to distraction, I would have had 6 or 7 if my dh had agreed! It's hard but I got them all helping out from an early age as part of family teamwork, as a mum I have never "owned" the drudgery part of motherhood, I have always made it a part of play so let's wash up and put everything away before we do x type of delegating.

Mine are all in their teens or older now and because helping out is second nature ( started at the same time as cleaning teeth, potty training).

Having to do it all without DC helping at all would be soul destroying and I wonder if you can ease the burden a bit, is their a homestart scheme in your area?

and also count down the months, years until they're 18 and i'm 'free'

Same! However, all I ever hear other mums saying irl, is that they hate their children growing up and its going too fast!

it does not make them happy
Depends how you measure 'happy'. There is meaning and joy in life way beyond 'happy'.

Yes but there are ways of finding meaning and joy beyond having children. The trouble is that women over the centuries have been conditioned not to believe this. The myth that no one ever regrets having children is still very prevalent including on Mumsnet despite regular threads showing the contrary.

i love both of mine to death, I wouldn't be without them.

but yes, there are times when I think, could I do my life over again, I wouldn't have married their dad, and I wouldn't have had children.

I wish i'd concentrated on my career and education instead of wasting my life on an abusive relationship.. that has left me tied to a man that continues to do his best to destroy my life and happiness 3 years after I left him.

and also count down the months, years until they're 18 and i'm 'free'

Trouble is you aren't.
Next is college/uni/girlfriends/boyfriends/children.

All the time on here you see..'AIBU, mum/mil wont help'

It never ends and unless you had sense before DC you are too skint to enjoy the empty nest..

My mum sometimes says she regrets having us. If she could have her time back she wouldn't have done it. My DB has 3 kids, I'm childfree by choice. I couldn't cope with a child.

I just want to say thank you for everyone who has been so honest. I am someone who has never wanted kids, but as I move through my thirties, everyone around me seems hell bent on convincing me that I'm wrong, that my life will be meaningless without children, and that I would "never regret" becoming a parent.

Sometimes, even though I have never wanted children, or felt the slightest flicker of parental yearnings, I find myself wavering and thinking "but what if they're right, and I should have kids? No one ever regrets it, right?". Thank you so much for helping me see that, if I don't want children, I definitely shouldn't have them - it seems hard enough to be a parent when you are 100 % on board with the idea.

It's really important of course that dc never know that they're regretted, ever. I'm sure no one here would say it, though I know many people my age who were told it (seems mothers only told their girls though, have never heard of a boy being told that )

I feel for you, OP. The only reason I don't have biological children is that I had family caring responsibilities very young, and it made me realise that I did enjoy being a carer- otherwise I am sure that I would be in the same boat as you. There is so much social pressure to have children and so little social support when you actually do.

This was me 18 years ago....

And me now age 46

Forget reptilian alien hybrid royal elites, flat earthers, chemtrails.....

The biggest conspiracy is children.

No one ever says the truth, you get to a certain age and it is all 'when will you have a baby?' 'a baby or two will make you feel so complete' blar blar blar.

What isn't spoken about is the fucking hard grafting, the sleepless nights (and that goes for teens..... Oh god especially teens).

Once i had a head of flaming hair, now it is grey. Wrinkles appeared. Children turn parents into knock kneed knackard old nosebags.

Fact.

Op and others

I dont regrett having my dc, but i can say that my next life will be spent in a cave in the middle of nowhere far away from other humans (especially the children kind), a rest and retreat in solitude with just cats for company will be needed

Oh and

OP I have four kids. One has ASD and two are in SEN schools.

Are you getting DLA? Respite? Any help from school? Maybe if you had more support for your dd with her asd things would ease slightly.

I also recommend home start. They was amazing for me when my ds was diagnosed and I was pregnant with his sibling.

I don't think you can fake it if you hate being a mother. Children catch on.

I am sure my own mother never realised we saw her neck tendons clench at the thought of having to deal with us ( we called it mum's tree trunk) or noticed how different her attitude and behaviour was to everyone else but to us ..we would love it when someone called or when we had visitors as she was nice and had a nice voice.

As soon as she put down the phone or the visitor left and door closed she would revert back to being snappy and moody, so we knew her venom was reserved for us.

I frequently wish I hadn’t had my children.

I love them and care for them to the best of my ability, but I often just want them to go away. I’ve realised (too late) that, by nature, I’m a selfish and solItary creature who craves peace and quiet.

My eldest dc (who was born under difficult circumstances) is the love of my life and I really value our time together now they’ve hit the teenage years. The younger, however, seems to zap me of every ounce of joy, energy and fun I ever possessed.

I’m sad that I feel this way, but I’ve come to realise that I actually just dislike small children. I know I sound horrible, but it’s true. I hate the constant grappling, micro-managing, routines, school run, bum wiping and feeding. I hate the mundane chores and drudgery associated with parenting younger children.

We really should be living in bigger groups!

I was talking to my 80 year old Gran about this the other day. She was saying how when her DC were little all the women in the street were in and out of each others houses all day and thought nothing of feeding/changing/settling each others DC (or giving them a telling off if they needed it!) so even if you had no DH or had a DH who worked all the hours you were never really on your own. Although life in general was harder back then I wonder whether the responsibility of parenting may have felt a little less all consuming because people really did subscribe to the whole "it takes a village" idea.