Regret having children

[PumpkinP]

Does anyone else regret having children? I know it’s sounds awful and I will probably be flamed for this but I really can’t help the feeling of deep regret. I feel this way pretty much every day.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and wondered if it’s normal or if anyone else feels the same?

I'm struggling to enjoy it now xh has gone. For me the joy of parenting was in doing it together with him. Now he's gone I feel desolate tbh, don't want to stay in this situation, can't leave.

I can see why some single mums move a new man in way too soon, it's miserable in a way I hadn't realised. Maybe not for everyone, but the marriage/kids/cosy home thing was always my dream.

Without being too negative, I'd warn all women to only have dc if they think they could cope bringing them up alone.

Absolutely not, and they were bloody hard work for many years.

I have to say I like them a lot more now they are no longer dependent on

This sounds so tough op, you have my sympathy, your ex has really dumped you in it!

You say your sister is only prepared to help out in an emergency. Do you feel that you could sit her down and explain how much you're struggling to cope, and that if you don't get some help now you feel you are heading for a nervous breakdown, so this is in fact an emergency, even if it is a less conventional sort than a hospital visit.

Is the no contact with father for the children his choice, or do you not feel comfortable letting him have access? If he has totally disappeared with no clue where, is there a chance he is working abroad, would some sleuthing enable a claim for child support through that countries system (know this could be a long shot)? Are you receiving all the benefits you are entitled to?

Absolutely wouldn't have changed a thing about parenting my two boy, they were my world and I went out of my way to make their childhood magical and special.

Then their dad started abusing me, then he walked out.

Now I spend my days crying, shouting and screaming, looking at my bank balance and worrying, and hurting all over.

Next September I go back to college and start my life again. Childcare and travel costs will probably mean I don't eat so my kids can most days. They will need to be in childcare a HELL of a lot so I can study.

Why/how can men walk away so easily?

It is a taboo subject in my experience. Automatically people say, as shown on here, PND is the reason...when actually for a lot of people it is nothing of the sort. They just realise they have right royally fucked up.
There is no 'trial' or 'work experience' for being a parent. Just a lot of bullshit. Images/TV/Films/books all show parenting as rewarding, with loving families, when the reality is that for most it is grind, families actually don't like each other. Children don't like their siblings. When you actually think about it why should they? All they have in common is you!
I had 3, would I have had them if I had known what life would be like,not a chance, but each time the PND line was trotted out along with 'it will get better when' they are weaned, crawling, walking,go to play group/school, are older/teenage..etc...well nope it didn't...they are grown up and still demand time, attention and money. I was young, naïve and like most young people wanted to believe in the soft focus family. My DS was the first baby I had ever held.
These days as young people are infantilized you get them for far longer than is healthy.
I'm now in my 50s, no savings, not much pension to look forward to, will never be able to retire.
As a young naïve woman I thought having DC young would mean I could do all the things I wanted to when DC were older...travel etc..not going to happen.

I know how hard having 4DC is, I have 4 myself and raised them all with no help from family etc. I've never regretted them for a moment but it can be tough!
So sorry you are struggling with your feelings OP. Hope you can access some support.

I can imagine it’s very difficult being a lone parent of 4 children so I can’t judge your way of thinking. But if you don’t change your outlook your children may feel unloved and that you regret having them even though you don’t directly say it to them.. children feel things a lot.

I don’t regret having my baby despite it being difficult and I have a lot less freedom. I want more children.. I don’t believe that my life would have meaning if I lived it for my own enjoyment.

You sound fed up OP. Could you go back to work PT to get 'a part of you' back? Just to look at a different 4 walls a couple of days a work would help massively.

You'd get help with childcare and feel better about everything.

OP, I have known several friends and colleagues confide that, even though they love their children profoundly and would do anything for them, they would not have had children if they had realised how all-consuming it is.

And my MIL, who has 4 all now in their 50s, confided that she never would have dreamed that she'd still worry about them now they're middle-aged! She describes having a baby as "Never being free of worry for the rest of your life". She's a fantastic mum, GM and GGM, so don't feel that your feelings mean you're not a good mum.

I’m sorry to hear that you feel this way OP. Your circumstances sound incredibly hard, and I think that in the same circumstances, I might feel the same way.

As it is, I have a supportive husband and none of my children have additional needs, and I feel glad I have kids. I’m not saying this to rub it in, but just to point out that you are not unreasonable for feeling the way you do in these circumstances.

I would also suggest contacting Homestart, and perhaps speaking to your health visitor to see if they can suggest any other sources of support. With more support, you may find that your feelings change. You sound exhausted and defeated at the moment

This thread actually made me cry, it's heartbreaking to think of so many people who are struggling and the guilt of that regret probably eats away at people as much as the regret does.

I don't regret my DS, but I did throughout the first year of his life. I sobbed to DH that we'd made a mistake, I was consumed with worry and anxiety, I said I hated my baby, I wanted to kill myself it was so bad. It turns out I had crippling PND. I was signed off work for 2mths and given 6mths on Anti-Ds with 3-4weekly reviews from a wonderful and understanding GP.

I'm now a different person, I still find it hard work but that little boy is the absolute light of my life, I love him so much I adore him. I never ever regret him for a second after spending an entire year feeling like that. But I have one child OP, and a husband, and really good family.
I say this genuinely - you're amazing!!! You have FOUR children, on your own, no support, if they're fed and clean you're doing a bloody good job. Please see your GP and chat to him, whether the answer is Home Start, Gingerbread, Counselling, using a Volunteer service (ring your local Children's Services Early Help, there's tons of Volunteers who could support you), or possibly medication if it is PND. Just take each day as it comes, it's ok to regret but also it is what it is and you have the children now, so time to find a way to be happy. Wishing you luck x

Only one time in my life have I briefly regretted having my DS. He had a mental health crisis and was suicidal, I was terrified I would lose him. I briefly wished I’d never had him so that I wouldn’t have to experience the level of pain that I knew I was going to feel if he died. It didn’t happen, he’s ok now, I feel ashamed for how I felt back then.
At the moment these kids are a drain on you OP, but if you open your heart and ditch your regret, in the not too distant future, these kids will be a ray of light in your life.

Leckford, take your sanctimonious self somewhere else

I also have four children and while I certainly don’t regret having them I do regret having so many. Baby number 3 was not planned and was twins. I thought about termination but in the end I couldn’t go through with it. I adore my twins but my life would’ve manageable with just my eldest 2. My marriage is shit and I stay with him because I can’t afford to live otherwise. I tell myself it’s all temporary and just try and do my best for them, and take joy in them where I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Being a single parent of four must be unbelievably tough- no wonder life feels so shit. I hope things get better for you x

No regrets whatsoever

I reckon you’ve had a tough day and you’re extrapolating.

In a good day when all getting on - you’ll look at your brood and feel like you’d be lost with them

Op it sounds really tough for you. You do need some support as a lone parent as well as parenting techniques especially for your eldest.

It’s good that you can talk about your feelings, reach out and not feel alone.

However, your kids are here and I think it might also do you good to reach out and get specific support for some of the challenges you have.
Mumsnet is excellent for giving sound advice and for directing to real life support too.
Perhaps also to find out ways to carve out space and time for yourself too.
You and your dcs deserve to be supported and happy.

I don't personally regret having my DC. However, I agree with other posters that there is too much pressure on women to have children (or to have another child if you only have one). We as a society need to think of it as ok to make the decision to stay childless.

Some days I do, some days I dont.

Today I do and we are supposed to be TTC for number 2. I want to take a view of celibacy right now!

I love my children immensely, but yes, I do feel like I regret deciding to have children frequently. Eldest has ASD, and as she gets bigger she's stronger and more destructive with every meltdown. Youngest is very much in the terrible twos. The fallout from disruption to routine over Christmas has been horrendous.

But I also think I'd have regretted not having children.

OP you have FOUR children. I struggle with one and for the first year I massively regretted it. My life was turned upside down. The endless mental load. Working full time.

She is now 6. The light of my life. My chest aches with love for her. If anything ever happened to her...the thought and pain of it is inconceivable. In so many ways it would be easier to have never had a child.

And the logistics of one! You have four; you are amazing!!!

Agree you are amazing OP.

No I don't at all - it was the best thing I have ever done. But I have friends who do - including one who spent tens of thousands on IVF in order to get her children.
My own daughter says that she doesn't want to be a parent because she feels that society expects women to become subsumed by motherhood and that it is impossible to have a great career at the same time. (I work in a good career but am part time and she sees that as selling out whereas I see it as the best of both worlds).

Yes, I do OP. It's been the biggest overhaul of my life ever and I wish I could just go back to my old life. Sometimes I want to run away, sometimes I want to just get in my car and drive as far as possible and never come back. Often, though, there's just this gnawing sense of regret that I can never shake off. I know that life was better before and I know that for me, personally, I made the wrong choice.

Your circumstances sound really tough. . . I hope that you manage to find some respite from somewhere, but there really isn't anything to be ashamed of. You're being honest and I respect that. It's definitely more common that you might think.

My children are grown up and I am now a gran. In my day not much thought was given to having children. It was just expected that you would marry and children would follow. I have two, and though I love them dearly and are proud of them, if I had my time again I would be child free.

I have several friends in my age group who, for one reason or another, never had children. Even now I still envy them and the lifestyle and choices they have had. I am also weirdly fascinated by how they came to be childfree and why and when they made their decision.

It's very common for woman (and men) to regret having children. Far more common than you think.

Me and DH are child free by choice and I have lost count of how many times someone has said they love their children but if they could go back in time they would choose not to have any. Mainly women but quite a few men.

It's not just people with young children either. Lots of them have grown up children, even grandchildren.