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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regret having children

262 replies

PumpkinP · 07/01/2020 14:02

Does anyone else regret having children? I know it’s sounds awful and I will probably be flamed for this but I really can’t help the feeling of deep regret. I feel this way pretty much every day.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and wondered if it’s normal or if anyone else feels the same?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2020 15:50

Op, is he all four kids father? You've indicated he is, but good god, what sort of piece of shit walks out on three kids, kids he's raised from babies and never sees them again.

If he was just ones father, and he left while you were pregnant with that one, I'd understand a little more, but to walk out of three kids lives, to never see them again, not financially support is pure evil.

When you say he doesn't work or claim benefits, how does he live? Do you know where he is? Were you married?

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2020 15:50

Sorry I mean biological father.

Redwinestillfine · 07/01/2020 15:52

Have you spoken by your GP? Sounds like you need support, and definitely get onto CSA their dad needs to be contributing!

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 07/01/2020 15:56

OP, I feel you

My eldest two have a very hands on father, my youngests fucked off when I was pregnant (after spending a year controlling and manipulating me and binning my pills), doesn’t work, CMS are useless.

She was also a very hard baby. Severe reflux (so much so they checked her for pyloric stenosis), screamed the clock round and didn’t sleep for more than 2 hours at a time till she was 18 months old.

Middle child has ASD/ADHD.

I had severe PND after #3 and the only reason I didn’t kill myself is because I couldn’t stand the thought of her either being forced upon her alcoholic deadbeat Dad or going into care. I loved her but my God, I felt like I’d seriously ruined my elder children’s lives by having her.

I was also full of serious rage towards my ex who had walked away and wouldn’t even provide financially.

leckford · 07/01/2020 16:03

I never wanted kids so did not have any. We have a nice life and do what we want when we want. In the world of horse people it is very common not to have any and be quite happy with just a horse/s.

In an over populated world the planet does not need any more humans

formerbabe · 07/01/2020 16:03

Parenting is very unique in that you can hate it and regret it but walking away from it would be even worse than sticking it out.

It's a total headfuck.

Hugs to you Pumpkin...I remember you from previous threads...I'm sorry things are tough

IdblowJonSnow · 07/01/2020 16:04

4 kids and a single parent, you're an absolute fucking legend!
I have a reasonably competent DH and 2 lovely kids but regretted it at points (not now).
They are still pretty young. I hope you feel better soon. Haven't rtft hope you have some support.

Brimful · 07/01/2020 16:11

leckford that's very insensitive.

You wouldn't say 'I'm really happy with my two children my life as a mum is amazing' to someone who has just told you they're infertile, so I don't understand why anyone would post what you did.

Frenchw1fe · 07/01/2020 16:11

Good luck OP. I hope your exes willy drops off.
I'm sure your dc will grow into fine adults.

Mary1935 · 07/01/2020 16:16

Hi OP have a look at home start - they can offer support in your local area.

leckford · 07/01/2020 16:18

Because there is too much pressure on women to have children and it does not make them happy.

FaFoutis · 07/01/2020 16:19

Feelings change. Things sound very hard for you now but it won't always be this way.
Having children can be difficult and makes us vulnerable, but the regret of not having experienced it would be worse for me.

MrsBobDylan · 07/01/2020 16:26

A second vote for HomeStart - I had a lovely woman who visited for two hours every week. She looked after the kids while I made meals and attempted to reduce the paper mountain that never gets any smaller.

You've got to start being less hard on yourself op. You get zero respite from four young children and your eldest has asd. If you do one thing today please make sure it is to look at your kids and really see how you are caring for them and looking after them. The house may well be a tip, but you are there, with your kids, getting through.

It really will get easier. One of mine has asd and it can be nigh on impossible at times. The love is there but buried under all the responsibility on you.

You are good enough. You are trying to get through every day. That is enough for now.

FaFoutis · 07/01/2020 16:27

it does not make them happy
Depends how you measure 'happy'. There is meaning and joy in life way beyond 'happy'.

WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 07/01/2020 16:28

I can't answer this directly as I've chosen not to have kids.

But when I'm alone with friends who are mothers, the subject of 'don't you want kids?' comes up and I laugh and say 'no thanks!' they nod, and whisper that they love their kids dearly, bu they wish they hadn't had them. Maybe they feel that it's safe to say that to someone who's childfree by choice, they don't think I'll judge them for it. (And I don't)

Not sure quite what you can take from this, but I think you are far from alone. I think far more women feel like this than are prepared to admit it.

for you

LocalHobo · 07/01/2020 16:28

When you say he doesn't work or claim benefits, how does he live? Do you know where he is? Would it be possible for you to take the DC to him and leave them? Then he would have to step up.
Your struggles are understandable. Why the hell should you cope, he needs to be hands-on and, when the chips are down, may well do as good a job as any of us.

FrenchJunebug · 07/01/2020 16:30

sometimes.

EntropyRising · 07/01/2020 16:31

Gosh. Sorry to hear this. It will get easier, they are very young.

moonsmarshmellow · 07/01/2020 16:34

You say you’ve felt this way for a year or 2, so since the youngest came along? Have you struggled with another baby coming along when the others are getting a bit older? Perhaps you will feel the weight lift again when the youngest starts school/becomes more independent.

I find the baby and toddler stage really claustrophobic and just exhausting. Once they start school it really becomes enjoyable. To me, anyway, I know some people claim it’s the other way round but it’s the whole first three or so years that put me off having another child more than anything else.

CakeandCustard28 · 07/01/2020 16:36

My eldest has autism too OP and I felt this way a fair bit when he was younger. We had a LOT of support from CAMHS, salt, ot, etc. Which really helped and things are now much better.
Is there any way you can reach out for help? Social services do offer schemes like taking the disabled child out for a few hours once a week etc to give you respite. It’s worth looking into OP.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 07/01/2020 16:38

in the last 43 years I have never known such joy, tiredness or aching heartbreaks. I would do it again, maybe not 4. I cannot imagine life without them, now they are picking me up and supporting my troubles

AudTheDeepMinded · 07/01/2020 16:38

I quite often think of all the things I could enjoy/have if I didn't have the DC. But if I spend long periods away from them (well, more than a day and night) I get sooo bored as there are literally no demands on me and I don't know what to do with myself. I think it's a case of the grass is always greener. But as a lone parent the stress and reliance on you must be pretty hard to cope with, so I get why you would feel that way.

arisingproblems · 07/01/2020 16:39

No but I will regret it if I have want more. I've only got 1 and that's plenty enough for me

arisingproblems · 07/01/2020 16:40

Any more* not want more.

Parky04 · 07/01/2020 16:53

No regrets but I can empathise with you. My two adult sons are adamant that they will never had children I will be pleased if that turns out to be true (DW not so pleased as she wants grandchildren).

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