Regret having children

[PumpkinP]

Does anyone else regret having children? I know it’s sounds awful and I will probably be flamed for this but I really can’t help the feeling of deep regret. I feel this way pretty much every day.

I feel guilty for feeling this way and wondered if it’s normal or if anyone else feels the same?

I'm so sorry. This must be very hard, but it is definitely not uncommon. You can be a good parent, you can love your children completely, and still regret what your life has become. Being a parent is one of the few enormous life-changing decisions we can't ever undo.

And to the people focusing on the fact the OP has four children: that's really not the point. This is something people can experience with only one child as well -- as various responses to this thread have already shown. Focusing on the number of children she has is unnecessarily judgmental.

I love my DC but if I had known in advance all the things I know now, including that I would have a DC with additional needs and that having children would massively change the power dynamic in my relationship, no I would not have had children.

After the birth of my 3rd I developed PND - however it wasn't immediate. It kicked it about 18 months later, which apparently isn't unusual, because the onset can be up to 2 years. It wouldn't hurt to get it checked out.

I get you, and very well. And it's not something that's easy to speak about, as I was infertile and our 2 DDs (10 and 7) are adopted. But yes, there are times when I wonder what we were thinking about when we made the decision to adopt. Especially when DD1 has flown into one of her rages and hurled her hairbrush right across the room, kicked her iPad and broken it, tried to hit me with a rounders bat. The list goes on.

But it isn't the case that I actually wish we hadn't done it, because life pre kids wasn't quite the panacea that rose coloured specs make it appear and I really wanted DC.
Although sometimes I want to sod off to a desert island where I don't have to listen to 2 girls screaming at each other, 'It's my turn to have the TV remote', 'No, I've only had it for a little while.' My heart is at that point sinking, waiting for the inevitable shriek of, 'Muuummmyyy!'

I think having children, like a lot of choices in life, could turn out eiher to be a good idea or a not so good idea for us. And while we can think about and even investigate how it might work out, we can never be 100% certain it will turn out to be the "better" choice for us. Sometimes it won't have been. It isn't unreasonable to accept that had you known then what you know now, you would have chosen differently.

But you shouldn't beat yourself up over that (or any) decision that doesn't turn out the way you hoped - how were you to know what the future held?

Plus of course, we can't know what the path not taken would have held, either. You might have ended up hating being childless and it eating you up, imagining a rosy life with children.

If the regret is bothering you (and I'm not surprised if it is, your situation sounds utterly overwhelming) then please seek support (other posters have made suggestions for example). Your feelings are valid, but you definitely deserve help to live with the feelings more easily if they are bothering you - or help with the children so the feelings don't bother you so much.

I don’t personally regret my own children but I can understand why you might be feeling like this given your circumstances, it sounds tough.

You’ve got some nasty replies on here about you choosing this life etc, well I disagree, I’m sure you didn’t have children thinking one day you’ll be doing it alone. We want to go for a third child this year, we want another child as we think can (just) cope with 3, you make the decision based on your circumstances at the time, not with a crystal ball anticipating every possible scenario in the next 5 or 10 years. Things change and life happens, people shouldn’t be as judgy.

I’ve no useful advise but I can understand why you feel how you do, I hope things start to get a little easier as the youngest starts nursery.

I don’t regret having a child, but there are moments where the fear of it overwhelms me. The anxiety of having something so precious that you can’t fully protect hits me like a ton of bricks from time to time.

Wow some lovely kind responses on here also the predictable flaming. It must be nice to have such a perfect life that you can criticise and be vile to others who have reached out.

Not for a second. My son is now 27 and we have a great relationship. I am so pleased I had him. The best thing I ever did.

I don't regret having one but I would definitely regret having four! Even if I was well off and with another adult in my life.

I regret not starting sooner and having more children. I had a child at 26 and now 5 years later i feel too old to find another partner and have another child. I am jealous of a friend who had her first child at 16; she now has 3 children and is 35. She can work full time now the oldest child is 16/17 since they can babysit. I can only work part time and I'm on my own!

In all honesty there are days/time's when I feel that way. But I also have days where I look at them and know they're the best thing that's happened to me

I regret. Often. From time to time. I had no idea that parenting would be so hard. My mum made it look so easy. Both my ds's don't respect the effort I put in to it, my maternal duty. Shame!

I agree with @C1239 - thank you for being brave enough to post this. Having children is portrayed as THE goal in life (particularly for women) and it’s almost taboo to suggest that you regret having your children.

I’m also childfree by choice and it still amazes me now (at almost 38) how many people question that decision, how many can’t wrap their minds around the idea that gasp there’s more to life than raising babies.

A long time ago, I worked with a mother of two adult children. She knew I didn’t want kids and she took me aside one day and in confidence told me that she regretted having her children but it was so tough saying that to anybody because of how children are put on a pedestal in our society. She told me that if I truly didn’t want children I shouldn’t allow anyone to change my mind.

Her bravery stuck with me and allowed me to be who I am, accepting of the choices I’m making that are against the norm.

By coming out and saying what you have, you’ve made it just that bit easy for other women to make choices not to have children, and to help release that hold that society has on making out that if you don’t have children then you’re nothing.

I’m sorry you’re hurting though, and I hope you are able, like some others have suggested, to carve out some time to focus on you.

I think we can have all sorts of mixed feelings even at the same time- joy, love, regret, fear...it is a loss of your previous life so even grief...and then as they grow grief for who they were as well...it is so complex at times. But then on top we can feel bad for feeling certain things on top to add to it all.

The decision to have children is one you can never take back, and for that reason the enormity of it can be quite overwhelming.

Once you have a child , the worse thing in the world would be to not have them anymore. I don't know how people that lose children carry on.

I think as a man the decision starts with getting into a LTR, and the often unspoken agreement that children will at some stage follow.

Regret is a perhaps the wrong word..I'm definitely jealous of couples without kids, and even more jealous of single friends..but then they are jealous of me.

I think, with planning and the right support network the only thing you can't really do is have a lovely weeks , adult beach holiday..just relaxing , reading, eating , drinking, site seeing etc without having to entertain kids. Even if you could get away you would be worrying about what's happening at home, and obviously if I went away for a week I would miss my 8 year old terribly.

Maybe you just wish things were different now and again, rather than regret having them?

Sounds like you may have some unresolved issues following the birth of number 4. You mention feeling this way for the past two years. Perhaps have a chat with the GP and get a referral to the local IAPT service.

Caring for 4 young children alone with no support must be utterly exhausting. I don't think I could do it. Anyone who berates you for how you're feeling about parenthood under those circumstances is lacking in compassion.

I'm a good Mum, but I have to work very, very hard at it. I don't think I'm a 'natural' parent, which came as a shock to me after years of working with children and loving every minute. I knew it would be hard, of course, but I don't think anything can quite prepare you for the loss of freedom and the challenge to your sense of identity that comes with becoming a Mother. There's no 'try before you buy' with Motherhood and so much of what were told is romanticised, idealised and doesn't reflect the day to day reality. Some days are easier than others, but on the tough days I often wonder whether I'd make the same choices again if I could turn back the clock.

Some time ago I read on one of these forums that some people make the mistake of having too many children for THEM. Some should only have one, but bow to the pressure of one not really a family, you should give it a brother/sister yadayada and it ends up being really too much for them. We are all different and cope in different ways and should listen to our inner voice. Also, in your case you may want to look into PND.

I’ve got 3 DS’s 18, 16 and 14. I regret having them and constantly feel I wasn’t cut out to be a parent. Had little family support, struggled financially and life is one long compromise. I’d have retired at 50. Instead I’ll be working til I’m nearly 70.

Can you see if there is any help avaliable from your GP at all? Sometimes there may be a sort of Gingerbread style group who can be supportive ? Does you child with ASD get all the help they need ? maybe look into this kind of thing if you can .

I kind of have waves of regret occasionally, usually when I have a selfish moment and just want to do what I want to do without having to consider someone else. If I'm ill or exhausted, I'm green with envy at people who can just rest and go to bed.

But then having kids changes you as a person anyway, who knows how I or anyone else would feel if they didn't have children and were looking at it from the other side. Perhaps feeling lonely or longing for a big bustling family life.

It sounds like you have so so much on your plate and you sound really down. Things will change as they get older, no one knows how but I guess we just have to try our best to be optimistic for our own sanity.

Sorry OP that sounds incredibly hard. Is there the possibility of a residential placement for your eldest? Or respite care?

I don’t regret it no, only as I can’t imagine life without my DS now because the love I have for him is absolutely unconditional, however I get where you’re coming from and think the feelings of it are really common and need to be spoken about more! I love DS but my god I didn’t realise just quite how much my life would change and whilst I wouldn’t change it, I do crave my old life a lot, I miss the simplicity I think.

I have no kids. Time's kinda running out for me. I was abused as a kid and haven't been with a man in many years. But I think I do want kids. I never used to. I actually used to search for threads like yours about ten years ago. I get that it is hard, it does sound very hard. It's good that you are able to say it these days and I absolutely don't judge anyone who regrets having kids. Not sure what else to say. Just sorry that it is so hard for you.