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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about friend's daughter coming along

302 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 13:36

I have a weekend in Paris booked in March with a few old uni friends. It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together.

One friend has now announced that her 18 year old daughter will be coming along. Most of us haven't seen this girl since she was about 12 and in any event this is meant to be a meet up of old friends.

I've only spoken to one other member of the group since we heard about this, and she's annoyed too.

WWBU to contact friend and try to tactfully dissuade her? I don't want to cause a row or hurt anyone's feelings.

OP posts:
HomeMadeMadness · 07/01/2020 13:37

Without knowing your friend I wouldn't know what reaction you're likely to get. Are you sure the 18 year old is actually planning on hanging out with you guys? It seems very odd since you'll presumably be reminiscing and she'll be bored stiff. Obviously at 18 it's not a childcare issue either.

QueenofallIsee · 07/01/2020 13:39

Tell her that you’d rather not, and if she doesn’t want to come unless her DD does, then say you’ll miss her and enjoy yourself!

BlueSuffragette · 07/01/2020 13:39

Yes it completely changes the dynamics of the group. The daughter wont know what you are talking about as you reminisce. Also you may not feel comfortable talking about old times with her there. Suggest mother goes away with daughter at another time.

QueenOfTheFae · 07/01/2020 13:39

That's really annoying and completely changes the dynamic of the trip

Someone needs to gently suggest to friend that she does not bring daughter along

Original poster
Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 13:41

Yes she will definitely be hanging around with us. Mention of 'showing her all the sights' in message.

OP posts:
nomdunchien · 07/01/2020 13:41

That’s a tricky one. I think it’s really quite rude of your friend to invite her daughter along without running it past you all first. But now that she has... I don’t see how on earth you tactfully tell her you’d all rather her kid doesn’t come?! I think you might be stuck with the daughter although I think you are definitely not being unreasonable to be put out by it all

EL8888 · 07/01/2020 13:43

That’s rude. You can’t just invite an additional person without discussing it with the group. Whether it’s her daughter or not

DjMomo · 07/01/2020 13:45

If the 18-year-old wants to see Paris, her mum should take her on a separate trip.

Whynosnowyet · 07/01/2020 13:48

Is there room space? Could you go on that angle?

HomeMadeMadness · 07/01/2020 13:48

Yes she will definitely be hanging around with us. Mention of 'showing her all the sights' in message.

I would definitely gently bring it up with her. It changes the nature of the trip. I would suggest she stays on in Paris and her DD meets her there.

windycuntryside · 07/01/2020 13:48

Really don’t like this shit, lose lose for you really. If she comes along the dynamics change and if you say you would rather her daughter didn’t come she will probably be really offended.
I have a friend who always invited strays on events, so bloody irritating. Yanbu.

vacayonmymind · 07/01/2020 13:48

That would piss me right off.

Is it all paid for? If not, I’d just say sorry, let’s organise another time when we are all free to catch up without kids! If it is paid for, I’d probably bluntly say no. This is your trip too, that you have spent good money on. You should spend it with who you like.

Original poster
Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 13:49

I think she feels that because her daughter will be sharing her hotel room she'll be no trouble.
But the rest of us have been to Paris several times and really weren't anticipating a weekend of sightseeing. More eating in nice restaurants, catching up, visiting a market one of us used to work in and that sort of easy going stuff.

Also we don't know this girl and she's years younger than us.

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 07/01/2020 13:51

Maybe her daughter is having a really rubbish time at the moment and your friend is trying to cheer her up and also keep an eye on her. Other option might have been your friend cancelling instead?

CripsSandwiches · 07/01/2020 13:51

the rest of us have been to Paris several times and really weren't anticipating a weekend of sightseeing. More eating in nice restaurants, catching up, visiting a market one of us used to work in and that sort of easy going stuff.

I would just say this to her.

"We're not actually planning on doing much sight seeing since we've seen it all before, it's more a trip to finally catch up after so long, probably best if you take your DD to see the sights on a separate trip"

Dustarr73 · 07/01/2020 13:52

Well let her show her dd the sights and you and your other friends go off and do what you planned.

okiedokieme · 07/01/2020 13:53

I might take my dd in such circumstances, perhaps she is having a hard time or cannot be left, my 20 year old is hard to leave due to asd and mh

Aderyn19 · 07/01/2020 13:53

I think you have to tell her that it's not what you had planned. Maybe say that you were all intending to spend hours in restaurants rather than sightseeing, so she will end up doing things separately from the group and miss out or her DD will be bored. She might take the hint.

LoveB · 07/01/2020 13:56

I'm going to go against the grain and say YABU. It's her daughter, not a stranger. Just carry on as you would have done, if she's not enjoying herself she can always wander by herself. I can appreciate it might seem a bit strange, but just suck it up.

Whynosnowyet · 07/01/2020 13:57

Adding any family member is changing the dynamics...

HermioneKipper · 07/01/2020 13:59

I wouldn’t be happy either but such an awkward one to bring up. Mind you she has no qualms making your weekend awkward does she. I think you have to tell her

MorrisZapp · 07/01/2020 13:59

That's ridiculous. You can say politely that you hadn't planned to bring kids and that this changes what you had initially agreed to.

cstaff · 07/01/2020 14:01

I would not be happy with that OP. You can't just invite some extra randomer along on a planned holiday - I wouldn't care if it was her daughter or not. It is just not the done thing. If everybody else feels the same I think something needs to be said. Otherwise the rest of you will spend the weekend not impressed with your friend and this could then end up with a fall out which I presume you don't want to happen.

Ponoka7 · 07/01/2020 14:01

Just tell her what your intended itinerary was and that she will change the dynamics. You need to be honest.

Do you think it could be her Partner instigating this?

Leeds2 · 07/01/2020 14:03

I would be a bit annoyed, but not sure that I would have the nerve to say so!
I would however send a message saying that the rest of you will be spending time catching up, and eating/drinking, so friend will have to take her daughter sightseeing by herself.