To be annoyed about friend's daughter coming along

[Misscromwellrocks]

I have a weekend in Paris booked in March with a few old uni friends. It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together.

One friend has now announced that her 18 year old daughter will be coming along. Most of us haven't seen this girl since she was about 12 and in any event this is meant to be a meet up of old friends.

I've only spoken to one other member of the group since we heard about this, and she's annoyed too.

WWBU to contact friend and try to tactfully dissuade her? I don't want to cause a row or hurt anyone's feelings.

@MaintainTheMolehill

Bringing someone from outside of the group changes the dynamic. It's like bringing a husband or partner. If someone's 18 year old DD is there the others won't feel as free to discuss silly uni things they got up to for fear of embarrassing or boring the DD. It would be fine if they had the chance to meet up all the time - then I'm sure they'd be happy to get to know the DD, but since this is a rare catch up they want a chance to hark back to uni days and be silly without worrying about a stranger who isn't part of the group.

What a great message from your friend OP!

Nice message OP. Hopefully she takes the hint!

I think it will make things awkward and I'm glad your friend wrote such a good message to her!

Yanbu and at least one of the group agrees with you. If the friends contacts you to try and get you to agree just reiterate what’s already been said.

That was a good message, you could chime in with something like "Oh yes, rather you than me with the sightseeing. I'm looking forward to being in some snug little cafe having a good old chat with the others."

Why do people do this? It's the same when someone brings their husband along. The lack of self-awareness to just book it without even speaking to the others about it is astonishing.

if dd won't find our reminiscing boring or indeed embarrassing

And now is the time to jot down all the random boyfriend troubles, last minute assignment panics, drunken escapades and embarrassing situations your friend got into so you can drop them into conversation- has your mother ever told you about the time when you ...

I would let her bring her. Let them sight see by themselves while the group goes for a meal and drinks.

Why do people do this? It's the same when someone brings their husband along.

^This!

No way is chatting to an 18 year old the same as talking to friends from “back in the day...”. these are the people that know where the bodies are buried. So it’s a toss up between “ Remember that guy/girl/night......” or “ So how are you getting on with your A levels” 🤔 Tough choice.

I would add something in support if your friend, lighthearted but letting your other friend know you feel the same.

I would also message in support of the friend's awesome message.

@MaintainTheMolehill can you not see that your friends on such a trip would also feel uncomfortable with your daughter hearing about their past exploits or current private lives, and so it would change the entire dynamic of the planned trip?!

Clearly the OP does feel this way about her friend's DD coming along and I don't blame her, it's just rude to interrupt plans this way.

I second the idea of chipping in in support of the message your friend sent. It makes it clear the group all feel that way not just this one friend.

Your other friend's recent message surely opens the floodgates for the rest of you to add that " I also won't be sightseeing, we can hopefully meet for dinner or something though". Best to be clear ahead of the trip especially if you fear the weak link caving in!

Although be careful not to sound like you hope the daughter spends time with you lot rather than doing sightseeing with her mum!

Yep. Definitely back your friend up by saying that you're not going to be sightseeing, but intend going to markets and sitting in cafes reminiscing with the others

fair play to you having the energy for all that sightseeing. Hope you and dd enjoy it but you'll hopefully at least make our Sat night meal for a catch up,, if dd won't find our reminiscing boring or indeed embarrassing '

Love it.

I would also add to your friends excellent message

'That's a shame. It sounds like we won't be seeing much of you. I was looking forward to catching up after so long'

Also maybe drop in a little bit of blackmail if you have anything on her, like "We'll have to try and remember not to mention the time you were off your head on drugs/you had a threesome and fell out of the bed/you didn't get an essay finished in time and fake cried so the professor would give you an extension". Add LOL to the end of the message to be extra irritating. LOL

It's madness, I can't believe she'd do that without at least running it by you all first. Incredibly rude. In your situation I'd have to say something, else I'd be left feeling resentful the whole time!

Perhaps those who wouldn't mind are so open minded that they aren't bothered by friends DD hearing old stories and escapades...or they didn't do anything particularly exciting or anything they would be embarrassed about.

I won't go as far as saying they led a dull and unadventurous life, though some might.

Yes - support your friend that made the first move...
"Oh what a shame you've decided you and X want to sightsee. As most of us have done Paris before I'm looking forward to the original plan of catch up and relax over food and wine. As Y said though - hopefully you won't be rushing around all the time and can join us..."