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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed about friend's daughter coming along

302 replies

Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 13:36

I have a weekend in Paris booked in March with a few old uni friends. It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together.

One friend has now announced that her 18 year old daughter will be coming along. Most of us haven't seen this girl since she was about 12 and in any event this is meant to be a meet up of old friends.

I've only spoken to one other member of the group since we heard about this, and she's annoyed too.

WWBU to contact friend and try to tactfully dissuade her? I don't want to cause a row or hurt anyone's feelings.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 07/01/2020 15:15

I'd be majorly pissed off at this. Sounds like you've got it in hand, although you might have to keep peace-keeping friend on a tight leash

GoodDogBellaBoo · 07/01/2020 15:15

You need to write something to support your friend.

AlexaAmbidextra · 07/01/2020 15:15

Maybe her daughter is having a really rubbish time at the moment and your friend is trying to cheer her up and also keep an eye on her.

Well if that is the case then she can care for her daughter in her own time. She has no right to impose her DD on her friends arranged trip.

saraclara · 07/01/2020 15:17

Looking back, my mum did things like this. It wasn't fun being the daughter in the scenario and knowing full well that you were the fifth wheel.

pumpkinpie01 · 07/01/2020 15:17

I cant understand why the DD wants to go with her mum and mums old friends! Just her mum yes but not her friends too. My daughter and I get on great but she doesn't come out with me and my friends. Whatsapp message is a good one, hopefully that will get the message across.

TheNavigator · 07/01/2020 15:20

You need to support the messaging friend! Something along the lines up: 'yup, not got the energy for sight seeing these days - looking forward to the catch up later'

Oblomov20 · 07/01/2020 15:21

I wouldn't allow it. I'd just tell her why. People want to meet in the group that they know and that's how the dynamic works and no one wants someone bringing their 18-year-old daughter especially not on a trip to Paris. it's ridiculous and she might take umbrage at this and not want to go and not continue in any of your groups but if that's the case if you can't understand how this doesn't work for everybody then maybe that's best.

There is a very similar thread running with another woman who brings her 18-year-old and I've posted exactly the same on that as well.

GoldfishRampage · 07/01/2020 15:24

That would annoy me too. Is she flying? Might be tricky for her to get her daughter on the same flight?

BlaueLagune · 07/01/2020 15:25

they didn't do anything particularly exciting or anything they would be embarrassed about

I don't think I really did, but that doesn't mean I'd want a friend to invite their teenage children along (or take mine).

I understand that there might be a reason to take your child eg if she' had a bad time at school/college or a relationship break-up or illness but you would ask the group first. There might be a way to make it work, like the dd brings a friend and goes off and does things with them. But not a fait accompli.

LagunaBubbles · 07/01/2020 15:26

I actually can't believe she said to you that her DD was coming along and not asked if anyone would mind first? Seriously who does that?

Howyiz · 07/01/2020 15:27

Please add @DingDongDenny's comment so that your friend has back up and it is reinforced to cheeky friend that you won't be centering your holiday around her daughter.
This smacks of performance parenting 'look at what an amazing bond I have with my child'.

1forAll74 · 07/01/2020 15:28

I wouldn't mind this at all, Presumably this Mother has told her 18 year old daughter, what a wonderful ,friendly,and modern thinking group of friends you all are . I am sure that she won't rain on your parade, and will be able to do a few things on her own in Paris..

A bit of a sad attitude really, about a planned visit, that didn't follow the original plan.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/01/2020 15:28

At that age my DD would rather have stuck pins in her eyes than spend 24 hrs a day in the company of a load of old bats.

I wonder if she's twisted her DD's arm for some reason? Maybe wants to make sure she stays out of trouble if she has a dodgy boyfriend?

GlamGiraffe · 07/01/2020 15:29

Has there been any response to the message or comments from your other friends now @Misscromwellrocks ?

Having my grown ip child there would definitely completely change my conversation and behaviour with my girlfriends, I just wouldnt do it for that reason. I would mean my friends would also not be comfortable. With your old friends you can just let it all go and bot care with newer people, and especially with a child, its not like that at all. What was your friend thinking (or not thinking)? Is she suffering from psb syndrome still?
Whatever it is its fo unacceptable, but I really think someone needs to casually ask how she was thinking of doing things as it was going to radically alter the trip agenda.she probably hasnt even given that a thought, let alone considered how rude it is.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 15:33

I'd like to see her daughter's face if her mum tagged along with her when she was going out with her school friends.

FourDecades · 07/01/2020 15:34

That's a good message by your friend. I think I'd "back" her up by putting one myself...

Like ..."yes rather you then me, far to old to be traipsing round LOL..

Hope you can make one meal with us

Original poster

Misscromwellrocks · 07/01/2020 15:34

I've sent a message saying 'oh hope you can join us for the meal. You'll need a couple of drinks after all your sight seeing. Promise not to say anything tooo embarrassing in front of dd .'

Hoping it sounds friendly but clear.

OP posts:

KatyCarrCan · 07/01/2020 15:34

Your friend's message was perfect. Since you haven't seen the other friend for ages, presumably you're unaware if there's a reason her DD is vulnerable and she doesn't want to leave her.
But the message leaves you all free to do what you had planned and your friend and her DD can drop into an occasional meal if they want.

Oblomov20 · 07/01/2020 15:35

I don't understand why you sent that message. It says nothing at all, but appears chummy.

Oblomov20 · 07/01/2020 15:37

"We're not actually planning on doing much sight seeing since we've seen it all before, it's more a trip to finally catch up after so long, probably best if you take your DD to see the sights on a separate trip"

CrispSandwiches message was perfect.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/01/2020 15:38

One of the group has messaged back on the lines 'fair play to you having the energy for all that sightseeing. Hope you and dd enjoy it but you'll hopefully at least make our Sat night meal for a catch up,, if dd won't find our reminiscing boring or indeed embarrassing '.

That's good, let us know what her reply is

managedmis · 07/01/2020 15:38

No fucking way

Oblomov20 · 07/01/2020 15:39

"Hope none of you mind but I was hoping I could spend the time relaxing and eating, I dont have the energy for sightseeing at the moment"

then if others want they can say the same as you and if not then plus :

"How does everyone else feel about additional people coming along? I'd rather it was just us tbh, but will go with the majority."

Roussette · 07/01/2020 15:41

Didn't this friend even ASK if it's ok? If she didn't, that is so bloody rude. I wouldn't dream of carting one of my DCs along without clearing it with everybody but there is no way I would be taking a DC anyway, too much sordid history between my friends and me

I would've sent a text saying... nooooo, it's just for us, not our kids!

agonyauntie2020 · 07/01/2020 15:42

+1 for how annoying and thoughtless friend with the 18 year old is being.

Good messages from you and other friend. I bet she is way too clueless to get it. Anyone who invites DC on old pals trip and doesn't ask, just tells, has a hefty dose of oblivious in her psychological makeup.

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