To be annoyed about friend's daughter coming along

[Misscromwellrocks]

I have a weekend in Paris booked in March with a few old uni friends. It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together.

One friend has now announced that her 18 year old daughter will be coming along. Most of us haven't seen this girl since she was about 12 and in any event this is meant to be a meet up of old friends.

I've only spoken to one other member of the group since we heard about this, and she's annoyed too.

WWBU to contact friend and try to tactfully dissuade her? I don't want to cause a row or hurt anyone's feelings.

This wouldn't bother me at all, in fact I would be excited to see how she had grown up/if she was like the friend at all. If I loved my friend I would enjoy spending time with her adult daughter.
Under no circumstances would I say something, it will just hurt her.
I'm shocked by how many people would be bothered by this.

If I loved my friend I would enjoy spending time with her adult daughter

What if the daughter was just as rude and entitled as her mum?

I think I would just text friend "That sounds lovely, hope your dd enjoys sightseeing with you, let us know when you want to meet up for dinner and drinks" let it be known from the start that you are not strolling around Paris doing touristy things you have no interest in.

You’re shocked that people would be upset? When ‘It's the first time in years that we've all gone away together?’ All the others are adult women who met at university. It will totally change the dynamics. Are you someone who does this? The person who brings their toddler to a boozy adult lunch? Who brings their partner to a ‘girls’ night’?

Amazing how many people say you shouldn’t say anything as it will cause a fall out - but your friend didn’t worry about causing bad feeling when she announced this did she?

If you’re in a what’s app group I’d just call her out on it -

“Erm... friend name, I’m surprised you’ve added on your DD to the trip without asking the rest of us if that’s ok. We were looking forward to catching up as a group and having one of the children there is going to change that / we’re all leaving our dc at home so we can enjoy adult time together/ don’t feel we can let our hair down and chat freely with your DD there. If you want to do your own thing with her or she’s got her own plans that’s great but it does change what we planned if we have one of the children coming too and I don’t think it’s fair you just decided to bring her. Could you take her another time and we go back to the original plan please.”

Just ask oh are we bringing our kids along now, I thought it was a trip just for the old gang

It's fucking rude to invite another person along on a group event without asking the group. Just rude. I'd go with what Drum said. No way I'd keep quiet. In fact, if not paid to, I'd back out and say why.

She's made it awkward, not you. Do your other friends agree with you? You have to tell her. It's a different trip if she brings her daughter x

My aunt and her friends had a similar situation. They were mean how they went about it in my opinion but they all bowed out of the trip and organised another one for themselves without mum and daughter. I think you should be honest about how you feel and it changing the dynamics. If she insists you are free to cancel or rearrange another trip.

What's mean is inviting someone along to a group event and presenting it as a fait accompli. I can't abide flakey people who can't go anywhere without someone hanging off them.

One of the group has messaged back on the lines 'fair play to you having the energy for all that sightseeing. Hope you and dd enjoy it but you'll hopefully at least make our Sat night meal for a catch up,, if dd won't find our reminiscing boring or indeed embarrassing '.

Fingers crossed that will get the message across.

I hate it when people try and mix groups like this, I find then very socially unaware Exactly, your friend isn't worried about anyone else's feelings in the matter. Imagine if everyone brings a plus one?

"Hope none of you mind but I was hoping I could spend the time relaxing and eating, I dont have the energy for sightseeing at the moment" then if others want they can say the same as you and if not then they can go with friend and her dd this. I'd definitely try to talk to more of the group to see how they felt about the random coming first. I'd actually put "How does everyone else feel about additional people coming along? I'd rather it was just us tbh, but will go with the majority."

I'd be tempted not to go. I make a lot of effort to sort childcare and free time up in work.

Incredibly rude. I wonder how she’d have reacted if one of the others had done it?

@Intensicle bringing an adult daughter and bringing a toddler to a boozy lunch are two completely different things.

I wouldn't so either but because I wouldn't want my daughter hearing what I had got up to in Uni, not for a second would I think others would be upset about it and if they were I would seriously be considering what type of 'friends' I had.

I'm surprised everyone's so bothered by this.

A toddler or young child would totally change the dynamic, and would be a nightmare. But an 18 year old? No special treatment or moderation of language/topic of conversation required by that age, surely. I honestly can't see the problem. I wouldn't join them sightseeing, but I can't see why they'd want or expect you to.

As long as 18 year old is paying her own way (or Mum is paying for her) then I really can't see the problem.

Ooh that’s a good message!

That message got it across clearly. Hopefully, she will rethink the plans.

"oh ok, so you're going to sightsee with her whilst we go to X restaurant or Y market? That's a shame you won't be there, but hopefully we will still see you at hotel for breakfast anyway."

Ha, cross post. Well done that lady!

She should have checked first.

Tbf I don't necessarily think the daughter will spoil the dynamics. It's quite nice to have a young person in the mix, even when unexpected.

I think it's reasonable to reply saying the rest of you aren't that bothered about sightseeing but they should crack on and you can all meet up in the evening if they aren't too tired. The rest of the group should carry on with the activities originally planned. If the DD finds it boring she'll soon make her excuses.

Wow what a friend you have op!! Voice of you all!!

And another x post. Well done that friend!

Why not bring spouses then, mrs, I mean it's just another adult?

I have a friend whose 11 year old has felt too grown up to play with the other kids (who are 7-9) for the past two years and won't leave us alone, ever. She just sits and listens. I've spoken to my friend about it and she won't do anything. It's immensely annoying. Some people just can't see that other adults quite like alone time with grown ups.

"We're not actually planning on doing much sight seeing since we've seen it all before, it's more a trip to finally catch up after so long, probably best if you take your DD to see the sights on a separate trip"

That fits the bill perfectly I think.

Sorry cross post.

You clearly aren't the only person feeling annoyed. If your df still goes/brings her dd she knows what she's signing up for. As thick as mince.